Awkward Moments, Volume MCXLV

In this day and age, I think we all have moments where it feels like we’re living in a movie. But that begs the question: what genre?

I’m tempted to say horror, except if it were I’d be dead by now, ‘cause I’m not a virgin. There’s definitely a lot of drama. Some of my worst dates would suggest science fiction, whereas my relationships point more toward a war film. The only genre I can rule out with any certainty is family…unless it’s maybe the Manson family.

Overall, though, I’d have to go with romantic comedy. Surprising, right? My life is not that romantic, but when you think about it, romantic comedies are only a little bit romantic, at the end. Before that there’s usually a protagonist who goes on a lot of bad dates or doesn’t date at all, poor advice from friends, then maybe one good date with a ridiculously attractive co-star, which leads to conflict and a series of contrived mishaps meant to keep the romantic leads apart. And often a dog or an implausible bet. Plus plenty of uncomfortable situations. It’s that last one that leads me to believe I might be in the midst of a rom-com, of all things, since I tend to have those frequent awkward moments that, if YOU were watching me, you couldn’t help but laugh at. Pretty much every day.

Today’s: I was at Starbucks, per usual, working and enjoying a venti Americano. (Usually it’s iced, but it’s 60 degrees in Los Angeles today – freezing – so hot it is.) I’m acutely aware of my surroundings at all times – I’m a people-watcher. I’m always glancing up from my work to take in my surroundings. Especially when the people in my surroundings are hot. Often, I take a sip of coffee simultaneously.

Perhaps because I’m used to iced drinks with straws, or perhaps because I was just having an off-day, today I just assumed the little hole you sip out of was lined up with my mouth. But I was way off, by about 90 degrees. It wasn’t a little sip, either. I managed to pour coffee all the way down my shirt and down the side of my face. We’re talking serious wetness. It was definitely one of those awkward moments in a romantic-comedy where the protagonist sees someone they liked and makes an ass out of themselves.

Thankfully, at the moment, the current victim of people-watching did not witness the incident – nor, miraculously, did anyone else in the store. I hastily and discretely wiped off my face and shirt before anyone was the wiser and did not have to dash out of Starbucks humiliated. This is why I’m glad I’M the people watcher, and not everybody else. I’m comedy gold.

Except it didn’t lead to a date, 90 minutes of contrived situations keeping us apart, or a false happy ending. Dammit. It was a meet-cute without the meet! And therefore, I guess it wasn’t that cute, either.

Hmm. Perhaps I’m one of those indie comedies where you laugh at and simultaneously feel sorry for the pathetic main character. Yeah…that sounds about right.