Jeremy Piven Gets Plowed

If you're a Broadway gay, you're surely attending the tale of Jeremy Piven (I don't have a Sondheim-esque rhyme to match with that, sorry).

If not, here's the story in a nutshell.

1. Jeremy Piven of Entourage fame was cast as the fast-talking lawyer in Broadway's revival of David Mamet's Speed the Plow.

2. The show is lavished with spectacular reviews, including particularly glowing praise for Jeremy Piven.

3. Jeremy Piven, without warning, suddenly pulled out, citing mercury poisoning (something mostly pregnant women worry about, from eating too many california rolls.

4. Whispers among the Broadway gossip elite had a different story: Mr. Piven had been fired. For not showing up on time to shows. For not going on stage if he wasn't happy with the size of the paying audience.

5. The show's producers quickly found and named Piven's replacements: Norbert Leo Butz and then William H. Macy.

6. Insiders reported that the cast of Speed the Plow (namely Raul Esparza) had begun insulting and reaming Piven to full house audiences.

"'(Esparza) said, I'm sure you've read the headlines about the silliness in our show.' Then he said, Today was the first time I really enjoyed playing this show.' I hope you weren't expecting a big TV star." It was pretty emotional."

7. And now, Piven is being chewed out by the rest of America, for pulling out of a show due to high mercury while others report for work with an arm missing, because they need the money.

Now THIS is what I'm talking about! When drama leaves the stage and becomes its own monster. Jeremy Piven, you had the hearts and souls of Broadway behind you. You stood a chance to be a Broadway superstar.

Now everyone thinks you're a dipshit and a total coward, while others consider you an uber-diva and liar.

Sad state of affairs. Maybe you should have never left Hollywood.