Business Trippin': Now THIS is a mall

For all the things that New York City has, here is one thing they do not: outdoor malls. Granted, you could go ahead and call SoHo, 5th Avenue, and such outdoor malls... but I wouldn't. Out here the malls are multi-tiered ice cream colored extravaganzas.

I'm such a tourist. Taking pictures of Westfield Malls. But you know what? They're pretty cool. If I'm gonna have to go to a mall, I'd much rather have them be sprawling Mexican cities of food courts and Abercrombies than the gray lifeless boxes we have in NYC.

Oh, and a note to the Hard Rock Hotel. I dig the guitar pick motif, really I do. We need to feel like rock stars and rock stars have guitars. But this steps just a bit past the cool line and into the ridiculous:

Brake fast for two

Okay, so folks have been asking…. “which does come first..the bacon or the egg??” (Remember yesterday?).. Well I thought it was obvious… The bacon… Everyone knows you can eat bacon cold…but not eggs!

Business Trippin': San Diego

Good afternoon J+1!

First off let me say a VERY Happy Birthday to my co-blogger in crime. Just remember - 61 is 16 checking itself out in a mirror. Ohhhh yeah.

Oh, and why haven't I posted all day? Because I've gone and traveled to the West Coast!

After a particularly pleasant 5 hour flight (no one sat next to me - extra leg room!) I stepped off my secret lover JetBlue and into the balmy, clear-skied, 72-degree heaven that is San Diego.


I've been here before, but only on a brief jaunt for a client at the Maritime Sheraton. Where I was held captive by a sales conference and could only gaze upon the city from across the water. Versus this time where the client has me staying at the Hard Rock Hotel San Diego, right in the heart of the city (believe me, I know, there's a sign hanging over the street that tells me so).

God stepping off the plane was like a dream. No. Really. Like a dream. To get on a plane shivering through a strategically selected light hoodie (not too strategic, it's too hot here to wear even that) and step off under a beating sun and into a cool breeze. It's like I stepped back in time. And as I did so, New York became less filthy and more architecturally intriguing.

The cab driver regaled me with stories of cloudless Christmases and the fact that he's lived here 30 years and has secured a permanent tan. He also gouged the fuck out of me in regards to cab fare. But that's fine.

Anyway - the Hard Rock Hotel! They certainly try a bit hard decor-wise. Their mission statement is to treat me like a rock star. There are guitar picks everywhere - from the book with menus to the elevator buttons. Quotes I should probably know from rock and roll songs hang from walls and ceilings.

But whatever! My room is kickass. And I have the exact same TV here in the hotel as I do at home (awww).



Meanwhile, I heartell that it is 32 degrees in NYC and a bit snowy. Unfortunate. Needless to say they'll have to send a caravan the likes of which no one has ever seen since Heart of Darkness to retrieve me from this coast. Every time I come here I simply don't want to leave. Ever.

Maybe I should take the hint and stay?

A house is not a home

We are having a house built in Florida and they sent me a picture of one of the completed rooms. Blue is a bit strong, but it is said to have a calming influence.

Happiness is a wet stepson

Today is a semi special day for all of us… sure I KNOW you are happy I’m back…..but it also is my Birthday! I turned #1 today. And while I am not quite old enough to be grumpy or continuously complaining about things, I figured if I waited that long I will have forgotten all the stuff I wanted to get off my chest.. So here goes!

Being retired is NOT the same as being out of work! Out of works folks need to schlep and help out and do all the dirty jobs around the house… Retired folks are paying their own way they can do nothing if they want!!

All baby boomers are not equal…the term was coined to recognize the ‘Post WWII baby boom’……. Which really should only include people born from 1946-1950- the kids that spent their teens in the 60’s and eventually became Hippies. The other dregs don’t count!

Speaking of Hippies…they were not anti war (how could you be growing up immediately after WWII) they were anti the Vietnam War…

Additionally Hippies were not pacifists…..and I have seen more than one short haired red necks find that out after they were knocked on their asses.

Hmmmmmmmm……geeeeze I need to take a nap!

Deadly Pop

Oh it was a different time.

Justin Timberlake had just recently shaved off his fro, and was pretending he hadn't penned a deal to leave his boyband in the dust for true fame.

Lance Bass was still "straight."

Joey Fatone was still not hosting reality show karaoke games.

And Michael Jackson was still appearing in public and sans burka every once in a while.

Yes, a different time. When Justin wore a tie-dyed sleeveless tee with a skull on it, which didn't bring sexy anywhere. When a writer penned the word "Sexetary" and got it greenlit for major broadcast. Do you remember this time? It seems like decades ago - the boy bands that are our shameful version of my parents Beatles. My slightly older friends' Depeche Modes, Smiths and Cures. My grandparents' Comos and Sinatras and King Coles.

They had icons. We had twinky, lipsynching, painfully gay corporate created musical orgies.

Sigh.

Well let's go back there any way. Depression was nowhereabouts. Dubya hadn't assfucked the planet yet. Wall Street and Main Street were getting along swimmingly.

The boys came together on MTV to sing in defense of pop music, of NSync and the boy band generation. Recently there had been murmurings, wondering when the 98 degrees and the Backstreet Boys were going to die out. Their response? "But then you got to realize what we're doin' is not a trend. We got the gift of melody, we're gonna play it to the end."

Of course that end would come a year later. How far we have come.

Looking back today, we get to witness the dramatic irony of this rousing anthem. Of Michael Jackson's odd druged facial expressions. Of N* thinking they truly would live on forever.

Don't blame the Hip-eyes

You obviously didn’t know how to play a great board game…you have to set the losing pieces on fire and plant cherry bombs under the board………

An old buddy (Billy you out there??) had one of the most Hi-Tech Virtual Reality Centers out there…and was out of business faster than Sarah Palin… So fast I never got to play with the stuff.. It was experimental, expensive and fragile, and the fee’s to play were so high it made Disney look cheap.

Arcades were some of the best places on earth……when they were dirt cheap.. I don’t think we will ever see a rebirth. I don’t think home gaming consoles will ever be replaced.

But………

As long as you have to stare at a box (even a 56 inch one) to play a game, you’re still stuck in the last century.

I'm so board!

Oh, Strategic, adult-targeted board games. How I remember you! Specifically Risk and Stratego. Which, I would imagine, were the Alpha and the Omega of boring strategy board games aimed at your generation.

For readers not familiar with these games, either you're NOT having a real, bloody, explosive battle on a field, or you're NOT employing cool bombs and weaponry to take over the world, one country at a time. You see, in a patchouli scented back office somewhere at Milton Bradley, some hippie thought that if he took all of the fun and guts out of war via these board games, perhaps the next generation would grow up to roll its eyes at global conflict and instead resort to living peaceably.

I used to play these games with my brother and a family friend. Of course, back when we played them, video games were not at their graphical high points, to be certain. Pixels and blurred colors abounded. So we didn't know what we were missing out on as we maneuvered little pegs around either a single battlefield, or the entire free world (well, not so free if you won the game). When someone stepped on a bomb, we would throw the piece in the air (improv violence, we needed it!)

I'm sorry, but I have a lot more fun today playing games like Call of Duty, where I shoot a rocket launcher and a peasant village goes into the stratosphere. Screw strategy. Who needs a strategy when you've got the bomb??

And you know what I miss? The video arcade. There used to be one in every mall, filled with bleeps and buzzes and explosions and banshee howls. You fed your dollar into the change machine, and fed The Simpsons arcade or House of the Dead or Mortal Kombat until you were broke and had to beg your mom for more money.

And then there were those SUPER arcades, like Sports Plus out east on Long Island. Gigantic edifices filled with indoor roller coasters, those VR games you speak of (skateboard on a skateboard! punch with boxing gloves! vacuum with a vacuum!) and a little area where you could get overpriced Elio's pizza. My day camp went there on a monthly basis - it was easy enough. Give the fat kids some tokens and a hot dog and they'll leave you alone so you can smoke cigarettes in the parking lot and call your girlfriend.

But those places are dead. I haven't seen an arcade in decades. Where's Laser Tag? The indoor roller coasters? All that we have remaining are a few Dave and Busters, and they have about 20 square feet of space mostly dominated by skee-ball.

Bullshit!

PS.......................

Justin,
Actually my friends and I were probably arguing if it was possible that anything could ever be better than Acapulco Gold….at the time. The original Pong arcade game was pretty lame. Didn’t come close to matching the excitement of almost any of the electro-mechanical arcade games of the time. (and it looked and felt electro-mechanical.) So Pong didn’t jar any future possibilities at all.

Another reason to overlook Pong as a precursor was the fact it was an arcade game. Refrigerator sized games were rarely thought of as a possible home entertainment.

Having said that….As I look back I do remember having as a kid, two of the attempts to change that.. A table top shooting arcade and a table top pinball machine. Both were actually quite good..nearly arcade quality..but they DID take up a table top, so the idea of a closest full of them was definitely out of the question!

But looking back a little less far…..the real seed for computer gaming back in the 70’s may very well have been what was to be the golden age of …board games. (If not in sales certainly in innovations.)

Someone….probably at Milton Bradley, realized that there was an almost totally untapped market in Baby Boomers. Record sales were sky rocketing, but there was little else to entertain them with (legally.)

So Board Game manufacturers started coming out with all manner of games aimed at an adult market. It was the origin of the plethora of military/civilization campaign games that are the top sellers of today….

Personally I always thought helmeted 3D virtual reality was going to be THE Holy Grail of gaming…still do…beyond that…the person that can imagine it…will own it!

How far we've come

Hey JesseRay,

Funny you should mention Frogger, because I spent most of my weekend playing Smackdown Vs. Raw 2009 on my Playstation 3. Seriously, we're talking, like 9 straight hours of sitting on the futon and jamming buttons.

But I must say, it's scary how far video games have come. To think that you and your friends used to gawk at Pong and think "Wow! They'll NEVER have anything more innovative than this!"

I'd like to pretend this was an issue with your generation, and that mine was far more advanced, and expected better things in due time. But that's not true. I've been through a Sega Master System, Nintendo Entertainment System, Super NES, Sega Genesis, Nintendo 64, Game Cube, PSone, PS2, and PS3 (and wii) and every time I would think "yep. this is it. never getting any better!" And then they do.

Hell, I remember thinking that portable phones and pagers were the end of the road. Then Zack Morris popped up with a cell phone bigger than a box of crackers and the world would never be the same.

But I must admit, I no longer think we've reached the end of anything. I'm waiting for my PS4 to cook me breakfast and take my future dog out for a walk. I want my cell phone to teach me how to dance (and then dance with me). And someday the apartment of tomorrow will have time travel technology and my studio on the Upper East Side can become a pied a terre in Paris with the flick of a switch.

Nice first post, by the way. Glad to see you figured out how blogger works. Did you know you can play Frogger online for free? Now you can Blog and Frog at the same time!

Me!

Hi, I’m JesseRay….another JR, not to be confused with that other fellow on here. Exactly how I got to be JesseRay is a long story (probably boring) which I might relate if I run out of semi boring things to discuss this week.

When Justin asked if I wanted to play at being a blogger, I thought he was asking me if I wanted to play Frogger! I loved that old Atari game. I got so excited I even dug out my old Atari Joystick…. AHHHHH no matter how old you get it is always a pleasure to be cranking that old joystick! Ahhhhhh.

Getting that frog across that stream…..avoiding the perpetual hazards…the commitment and energy and brain numbing time to get that stupid frog across the stream…what a joy… but why?
Why does the damn frog have to cross THAT stream??? All those hazards? The side he is already on looks exactly the same! Stay there you French fop!

It’s like- “Why did the Chicken cross the road?”… Why? I figured it out…he wanted to see if the egg got there first!

The real question for me at least, is which came first the bacon or the egg? I got that figured too!

Meet Ray

First I'd like to thank X for an awesome week of posts. He will be returning, I've already extended an invite so stay tuned.

This week's co-blogger is an extremely interesting guy. I know that first hand because he's also my stepfather. Not sure if he's ever used blogger before, so it should be a hoot to see how he does this week!

The photo he submitted with his application is of his Halloween costume... he and my mother stole the show hands down. (It probably helped that they made all partygoers with better costumes walk the plank.)

Everyone, send a welcome to Ray and get ready for another rockin' week on Justin Plus One!

My Name: Ray

My Location: Nassau, LI NY

What I might post about: The oddities of life, the life of the odd.

What I love: Free time

What I hate: Too much time

Anything else? Nope you'll read it soon enuff!

Holiday Movie Preview (just the good ones)

Ah, the holiday movie season. Quantum of Solace has officially kicked off the winter "event movie" season. Except unlike the summertime, these movies actually tend to be good.

Well, half of them.

The marketing during the holiday movie season is much like ad campaigns for anything else this time of year, attempting to make everything look luxurious or succulent. The movies during this season are gussied up like a Thanksgiving turkey, smothered with the biggest stars in the showiest roles. The art direction and costume design look positively yummy. For film lovers, these movies are meant to be devoured. Torn open like a gift on Christmas morn.

The problem being that, like the most appealing presents, sometimes the wrapping paper is the best part. Once the gift is opened, you cringe and muster a "Thanks, Grandma..." before moving onto the next. Memoirs of Geisha, anyone? Dreamgirls? No?

Here are my picks (i.e., shots in the dark) for what look like the best films this holiday season has to offer. The ones I'm most excited for. I'm leaving out those nice-looking baubles that I suspect won't live up to hype (sorry, Australia).

1) Doubt - An ironic title for perhaps the only movie on my list I'm betting on as a sure thing. There's little doubt that Doubt will be a delight for fans of smart scripts and terrific performances. Even when her filmmakers go astray, Meryl Streep never hits a false note, and this looks like the best role she's had in years. I haven't seen the play, nor do I know much about it, but the trailer is electrifying for fans of watching fine actors (Meryl Streep! Philip Seymour Hoffman! Amy Adams! Oh my!) go at it in enclosed spaces with lots of tension. Movies based on plays can be awfully awkward (Proof, The Shape of Things, to name a couple) but when they're good they are very good (Closer). The film is written and directed by the playwright, which is a very good sign, no doubt.

2) Revolutionary Road - Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio reunite to show what might have happened if Rose and Jack had married and then slowly found themselves embittered and resenting each other like all real couples do (suddenly that watery grave isn't looking so bad after all). I (intentionally) haven't seen much on this, but director Sam Mendes earned his stripes with another film about marital angst (American Beauty), and Kate Winslet has proven one of the smartest actresses in the business in her choice of films (hence an ungodly number of well-deserved nominations, and another couple this year, most likely). Nothing says holidays like beautiful people hating each other in the most dramatic of ways.

3) Milk - Tough call, because I usually end up mildly disliking Gus van Sant's films (Psycho), thinking they're overrated (Good Will Hunting), or hating them with a fiery passion (Elephant). I did not really even enjoy his segment in Paris je T'aime. But this one he actually had to put some effort into (unlike playing Kurt Cobain dress-up with Michael Pitt or following some kid around a skate park with a camera or whatever) so I'm hoping he steps it up. With these actors, the subject matter, and the degree to which the gay community got involved with the film (recreating San Francisco's Castro Street glory days) I think van Sant may actually pull it off this time. The material could not be any more topical. There are some great actors on board (Josh Brolin, James Franco, Emile Hirsch). The trailer certainly appeals. Providing van Sant doesn't get too esoteric and arty on us, this has Oscar's fingerprints all over it already (dirty!). Here's to hopin'.

4. The Wrestler - After Requiem for a Dream it would take a violent shove to get me off Darren Aronofsky's bandwagon. And I was one of the few who saw (and loved) his beautiful (but challenging) The Fountain. The Wrestler sounds like a huge departure for him - a has-been professional wrestler story isn't normally the sort of film I'd go for, but Aronofsky is a bold and imaginative filmmaker who I'm sure will do something interesting, and early word on Mickey Rourke's performance has him being nominated for and quite possibly winning the Oscar (though for now Sean Penn is the one to beat). You don't have to twist my arm to get me in the theater for this one!

5. Valkyrie - Controversial choice, I know. Many are worried that a serious-minded Tom Cruise vs. the Nazis movie will be silly. I mean, he does have an eye patch. And maybe it won't be Oscar material. But I have faith in the fascinating true story and director Bryan Singer to provide, at the very least, an entertaining escapist film amidst a season of tensely dramatic Oscar hopefuls and painful-looking family trifles (Four Christmases, Bedtime Stories, Bolt, suffocation, fiery car crash...oh, wait, for a second there I thought this was a list of terrible ways to die). Something has to be fun for the grownups (and I'm pretty sure The Day The Earth Stood Still isn't it). I guess "fun" is a relative term - I like my fun with Nazis and attempted assassination. I think it's gonna be good.

Most conspicuous absence: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. It's directed by David Fincher, helmer of my #1 film last year (Zodiac). In my mind, he's never gone wrong (well, the third Alien was a low point, but I'm not sure if that's because of Fincher or because Ripley was bald). Maybe it's just because of Brad Pitt, but I'm getting a slight Meet Joe Black vibe off this one. Long, pretty, romantic, ponderous...and perhaps kinda slow? I'm predicting that this one falls into the "okay" category, in spite of the talent attached. But stay tuned.

Miss Bright Side

The other night I saw an interesting little film that has been getting some great reviews: Happy-Go-Lucky, directed by Mike Leigh (probably best known for Secrets & Lies and more recently, Vera Drake). But this is a very different movie than either of those.

It's not ABOUT anything. The only semblance of a plot comes in the last few scenes. It's merely following a character named Poppy through her life as she learns flamenco, takes driver's ed, hangs out with her friends, teachers her young students how to make bird masks out of paper bags, and so forth. What makes it interesting is her unbelievably (yet strangely credible) sunny disposition.

Poppy is cheerful. SUPER cheerful. She agrees with basically anything anyone says. She puts a positive spin on EVERYTHING. She's always trying to make people laugh, even people who really, really don't want to laugh (this means YOU, bitchy wristband woman at the El Rey). So yes, Poppy is supremely annoying. She's fun to watch in the movie, but my friend and I both agreed we wouldn't want to hang out with her for very long in real life. It's unusual that a character who can be so likable on screen would send you running for the hills or reaching for the nearest machete (which, now that I think about it, is most likely not so near) in real life.

All this may make Happy-Go-Lucky sound like a very broad comedy, but as played by Sally Hawkins she's very convincing as an actual human being (albeit a bizarre one). It's a fearless performance - she makes you cringe in every scene by being SO peppy you just want to smack her. Only in a couple scenes does Leigh examine what's underneath Poppy's seemingly blissful exterior, but those are enough to make her come alive. Poppy's relentless optimism is eventually suggested to be a defense mechanism against the half-empty world around her - a disquieting scene with an insane homeless man shows how far she'll put herself at risk just to try to make someone else happy.

In most hands, the premise - "obnoxiously cheerful woman goes through life irritating the hell out of people" - would be met with a one-note execution that ridiculed the lead character, but Leigh grounds everything in reality and actually makes Poppy a psychologically complex character (rare in any film these days, let alone a comedy). In spite of the title, the film watches her deal with a few semi-serious issues like a child in her class experiencing domestic violence, and the rather scary obsession someone in the film develops with her (stalker!!) It's one of those films that becomes more interesting after it ends than while you're watching it, at least for the first time. Upon reflection, it may end up on my Top 10 list this year.

So for you fairly adventurous moviegoers, I suggest you check it out. It's a good film to debate with a friend afterward and find where you stand on the half-full/half-empty debate. As much as I admire Poppy for sticking to her guns and trying her damnedest to promote happiness in the world around her, I'd be too embarrassed to hang out with her in public because she's so awkward. And having a serious conversation about something that bothers me would drive me nuts since she's always looking on the bright side. It begs the question, "How happy do we really want the people around us to be? How cheerful is TOO cheerful?" (My answer: when it departs from reality.)

Though she likely won't get it, Sally Hawkins deserves some love from the Academy in nomination form. The closest comparison I have to her character and performance is Ricky Gervais in "The Office" - funny, but very uncomfortably so - but Happy-Go-Lucky is different in that it expects you to sit back and decide for yourself when - or if - you want to laugh. It's not the kind of comedy that expects you to be amused in a few key places - different people laugh in very different places. I'd like to see Leigh's script nominated too.

PUPPY POWER

Having a bad day? Is your boss a gigantic douchebag? Did your significant other have a "headache" last night? Did your parents die in a horrible wizarding battle?

I have the ultimate cure for you: PUPPIES!

SEE THE PUPPIES

Specifically, 6 Shiba Inu puppies on a live web cam feed. I received this link from my ex Paul today and have resolved to keep a browser tab open at all times on the PuppyCam. When things begin to go wrong, I will click and gaze upon absolute adorableness.

What's hilarious? This is a viral sensation! They are averaging at least 25,000 viewers at any given time (more still as this continues to go round the web.) How will I explain this to clients that spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on trying to get something to go viral. "Yeah, I'm sorry Mr. Thadsternowitz, turns out all you needed was a box full of puppies and a webcam."

Whatever, fuck them. I've got puppies, and that's all I need.

SEE THE PUPPIES

Oh, and far be it from me to accept these puppies without querying. I was so jaded, I was actually waiting for 2 Girls 1 Cup to suddenly pop up on the screen. Or for the puppies to explode in blood and guts, or suddenly start singing the Oscar Mayer weiner song. I watched their leg twitches for signs that this was a looping video trick.

But I did some creative googling and found out that this is in fact legit. I also found out more about the puppies:

Tune in daily to see the cutest Shiba Inu pups... EVER! 

The six Shiba Inu pups (3 boys and 3 girls) turned 5 weeks old on November 11th. This is the first litter from their mom, Kika.

Girls:
- Autumn (Purple collar) - 3 lbs 5.8 oz (as of Nov 11th)
- Ayumi (Yellow collar) - 3 lbs 3.4 oz (as of Nov 11th)
- Amaya (Red collar) - 3 lbs 6.6 oz (as of Nov 11th)

Boys:
- Aki (Green collar) - 4 lbs 0.4 oz (as of Nov 11th)
- Akoni (Black collar) - 3 lbs 12.6 oz (as of Nov 11th)
- Ando (Blue collar) - 4 lbs 1.2 oz (as of Nov 11th)

Men are from Mars, Cheating assholes are from Second Life

It is a widely known fact that men cannot keep their dicks in their pants. A new fact? They can't keep their avatars dicks in their digital pants, either. The UK's Times reports on a REAL divorce based on a SECOND LIFE infidelity.

I can understand divorce based on real infidelity. Hell, I can understand hurt feelings from digital infidelity, assuming it involved web camming and photo sharing. But really? These people never exchanged a photo or message outside of Second Life.

Other funny facts: The story involves the hiring of a Second Live Private Investigator. The wife discovered the infidelity after a nap whereupon she returned to her computer to find her husband's burly digital double on a couch with a pixel prostitute.

I mean, I'll admit, I'd ask for a divorce too. But on the grounds that my loser partner would rather spend his time getting his rocks off in a virtual world.

I wonder if the ex hubby regrets this now. If a divorce was in the cards, he might as well have diddled in the real world and received the same comeuppance. That's how I'd do it. Go whole hog or get a salad to go.

Morning Politics

I just made the cut off by 30 minutes.

What amazes me is how ANGRY the right wingers are about President-Elect Obama. They are ALREADY attacking him, as their own lame-duck President goes about doing nothing but bloviating.

I've already addressed the hateful and racist comments that Fox News allows on their comment boards.

And then the Huffington Post did a quick, last ditch article trying to neuter the initial criticism.

But I have to say, I enjoy this particular bit of radical right creativity that I received this morning from my fiscally conservative, socially moderate Republican uncle. It's cute, and it makes me feel victorious!



I don't know about you, but I want to be in that car. Hopefully they picked me up an iced caramel macchiatto.

Cereal Killers

In a world of branding and advertising, where we spend weeks if not months figuring out the names, colors, messaging, and voice of every brand on the market, why is it that Kashi seems to be living in a hole all by themselves?

Today, a co-worker came in with a sample of a new Kashi cereal. I don't mind Kashi, to be honest. Sure it's a little bland and sometimes it tastes like you're chewing big chunks of sawdust, but it's not the most horrifying thing I've ever eaten.

But man, they do NOT understand product naming.

What in God's name is this? Good Friends? The name of the cereal, and the odd, multi-ethnic box models make me feel like Sweeney Todd has expanded his offerings to include breakfast.

But that's not it. This past week I discussed the brilliance of white chocolate. As I am often informed, there is no cacao in white chocolate. Therefore, it is not chocolate. But guess what? It's called white chocolate! It had me fooled! They could have called it "white sweet creamy blocks" but some brilliant Mad Men style guy swirled his old fashioned and said "fuck it! let's name it white chocolate". And it worked.

Kashi doesn't bother with renaming things. They look at an ingredient and that's what it is. My example? Fiber twigs. There is nothing attractive about this name. But, sure enough, on the box, there it is "fiber twigs". Twigs come from trees. Fiber makes you poop. The name makes me think of dropping a deuce in the woods. Aside from connotations, "fiber twigs" SOUNDS unattractive. It makes me think of rickets. Or some other horrible malady ("We're sorry Miss Johnson, but little Timmy has Fiber Twigs").

But I digress. The sample of Kashi I received today is called "Vive" (life! live!) And I thought, okay. That works. These guys finally have the idea! Good for them! But no, I gave them too much credit. Beneath "VIVE!" lie the large, very readable words

Probiotic Digestive Wellness Cereal

God dammit, Kashi! What the fuck is wrong with you!? I can't even begin to break down what these words make me envision. Suffice it to say I see some sort of Terminator-type creature. And digestive wellness? Way to suck any sense of fun out of breakfast. No thanks, I'll go for the box with that sassy frog on it.

Idiots.

Single Features

Two movies I highly recommend: The Diving Bell and the Butterfly and Mysterious Skin. Each was my #2 film of its respective year.

A double feature I DON'T recommend? The Diving Bell and the Butterfly and Mysterious Skin.

Because after watching the true story of a man who gets completely paralyzed by a stroke, then goes through intensive physical therapy just to move his head and tongue, only to die of pneumonia, the only thing that can make you even MORE depressed is following it with a film about two eight year old boys who are raped several times by their Little League coach and experience irreversible emotional damage. It's a double feature intended only for the very suicidal...and me, I suppose, since this is what I chose to watch last night.

Then I got very quiet and had to go to bed.

If you haven't seen either one of these films, I must insist that you watch them.

But NOT together.

Imperfect Blendship

When did it become okay for our friends to Spam us?

I remember email chain letters, which have been around about as long as email itself. I remember pretty much instantly discrediting anyone who ever sent me a chain letter as a rational human being. It was always some cute story about a puppy or an old person, or perhaps something about Jesus. I don't know. I deleted them without looking, at the risk of missing out on true love or having 5 years of bad luck or whatever. Considering that I DO have rather bad luck and have totally missed the true love boat, maybe I should have passed them on, but I never did. Why? Because it's fucking ANNOYING.

It's been awhile since I got a chain letter, but what with the uproar over Prop 8 in California, my attention has been called to a similar problem. Fucking group messages. The bane of my existence. Anyone on Facebook, Myspace, or wherever has the ability to message ten, 40, 400 people all at once. And in a group of 400, how many people really don't want to hear whatever you have to say? Um, probably 400.

I can see why the "Group Message" feature was created. If God appears to you via burning bush and tells you to get word out that the apocalypse is nigh, it's a lot easier than messaging everyone individually. Maybe you've gotten engaged (not you, California gays!), or you're having a baby (not you, Arkansas gays!). Or maybe you just made out with Jake Gyllenhaal. But beyond any of these very valid excuses to message everyone you've ever met and tell them the good (or apocalyptic) news, there are precious few reasons to bother me. Constantly.

From my calculations, there have been about 90 protests and rallies in support of gay marriage since Prop 8 passed. (And to think I was looking forward to election day mainly so that I could stop getting emails about "No on 8" fundraisers. Silly me.) For each of these 90 protests I've gotten about 90 emails, which equals, um...a hell of a lot of emails and Facebook messages. It's gotten to the point where I just delete them without even looking at where, when, or who. At this point I'm more likely to show up to a protest carrying a sign that read: "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP INVITING ME TO THESE!!"

And no, I really don't want to get into any sort of debate about how important it is to show support, protest, be heard, equal rights, yada yada. This isn't just about the whole Prop 8 business, but about the mostly worthless communication we have with people nowadays. It's customary to add pretty much everyone you've ever met as a "friend," but often these are people you never see or hear from...unless they Spam you. It's somewhat rude to delete somebody as a friend, but my God, does meeting you ONCE doom me to forever receive invitations to your shows, your topical thoughts on recent battles for equality, and daily "lil' green patch" requests? If I wanted a fucking green patch, I'd have accepted it by now! I don't even know what that is! But by clicking "No" for the last 100 days in a row, I have clearly signaled that I don't want any part of it!

I have rarely - if ever - sent a mass message, and if I ever do you can bet it'll be something pretty fucking important. And I'll do it once, and then leave you alone. It's like no one uses any discretion at all anymore. Just because you HAVE my phone number doesn't mean I want to receive text messages from you telling me what to petition. If I never hear from you otherwise, I definitely don't want to hear from you when you want me to vote you onto "The Real World," vote for your friend on some modeling website, join you at a political rally, or come to your show. You have the right to badger me with this stuff if and only if we're actual friends. I mean the real kind, who hang out and stuff. Otherwise, fuck off. Before I send out a group message to EVERYONE I'VE EVER MET saying just that.

Thanks to the world wide web, the word "friend" has become a misnomer. Friends don't pester you like "friends" do. Real friends use discretion, and don't harass you about things you're not interested in. It seems like the more "friends" we accumulate, the easier it is for our real friends to acquire those quotation marks by "keeping in touch" with pokes, mass messages, IMs, impersonal texts - none of which really add up to friendship. Maybe the world was a better place when, if we didn't call or see our friends, they disappeared into a black hole and we lost track of them. Maybe the ability to communicate with so many people at once is costing us our ability to TALK to them. Y'know, individually. One-on-one. Face time.

Or maybe this is just what I get for never passing on those chain letters...

Awkward Moments Volume MCXLVI

This "Awkward Moments" is brought to you by the humorless. You know, those people who can't even laugh at an uncomfortable situation in order to make you feel better about it, but rather retain their perpetual scowl even at the most hilarious of times.

The other night I went to see Lykke Li at the El Rey on Wilshire. I was excited, in a good mood, and well, I’d just had a cocktail. I was also chewing gum. This unpleasant older woman at the door checked my ID, and then said, “Theater rules do not permit gum. Please dispose of it.” (Yeah, she said it like that. I think she was a robot.) Then she held out a long, thin strip of paper.

So naturally, I took out my gum and put it on the strip of paper. I thought, “What service! They have little strips of paper for all the people who come to the door chewing gum!” Except then my gum rolled off the paper onto the ground.

We both looked down at it. Her already unpleasant face, which resembled a scowly frown naturally, somehow became even more menacing. She looked PISSED. “This is a wristband,” she said. I looked at her blankly. So she added, “It goes around your wrist.”

“Well, you held it out after you said ‘please dispose your gum,’ so yeah, I kinda thought, uh...” I tried to explain. But her expression did not lighten up any. She showed no signs of understanding how one might confuse this situation. And so I stopped talking, let her put the wristband on me, picked up the gum, and threw it away, sans convenient piece of paper. The bitch didn’t crack a smile. I’m pretty sure she was physically incapable of doing such.

But seriously. If someone says, “Dispose of your gum” and then holds out a strip of paper, what would YOU do? I bet nine out of ten of you would put your gum in it! This can’t be the only time this has happened to her, what with that robotic delivery of the "No gum" rule.

I was totally amused by the situation, if slightly embarrassed. Most people would laugh. She didn’t. Not even close. Must be a tough life, being a gum Nazi robot.

Kiss your productivity goodbye!

Do you remember Snood? I believe this bare-bones game is the cause for the majority of college dropouts between 2003 and 2006. My friends would spend hours at their computers, not writing papers due the next morning, but hurling primary colored blobs at other blobs. Snood brought insomnia, it brought distraction, it brought blood rain.

Well now I've discovered Vectorpark, a web site of slick, well-designed, and painfully simple flash games. This is bad. This is beyond bad. It is terrible. I had to force myself to close the browser, or I would have spent the next 5 hours playing their game "levers".

It's so simple! It's so cool! It's SO. DISTRACTING.

And I figured, well - what the hell? Why not share my distraction with the rest of the world?

Check out Vectorpark... but be forewarned: you won't get anything else done today.

Morning Politics

When I stepped off the 4 train this morning I noticed a lot more armed soldiers than usual. Yes, I am near Ground Zero, so the presence of dogs and guns is nothing new. But today, of all days, everything seemed a lot more guarded.

"What's going on here today?" A man I passed asked his corner coffee guy.

"The President is coming today."

"Really? Jesus Christ, can't he leave us alone?"

I hear you, business man. I hear you.

Dubya needs to sit in the White House and start repealing all of those orders that Obama plans to get rid of. Not come down here to Wall Street and address our ailing stock market. Granted, if the market was trading on Bush's popularity rating, they'd be doing a BIT better, but the last thing we need is a failure addressing a failure. What will that inspire?

Go home Georgie. Duck out in Texas and keep a smile on your face as we begin to fix this country you pissed on for 8 years.

Cute Boy, Huge Dork

Would I throw this blonde fella out of bed? No, more likely I'd throw him into it. Until he split into four guys and started doing this a capella business. Then I'd kindly ask him to stop (he's too cute to kick out of bed!)

And what a voice. I'll bet George Lucas is wiping tears from his eyes... as he phones his lawyers and writes up a copyright infringement suit.

Listen Up!

Hey kids, do you like music? If so, have I got a treat for you!

Three treats, actually, so don't go spoiling your supper.

Here are three musical acts you should check out:

1) LYKKE LI is kind of a big deal right now, but when I mention her, most people still haven’t heard of her. (I’ve been into her months, but then, I AM a trendsetter.) So if you haven’t yet, catch up! She’s a little Swedish tart with a pretty original sound: most of her songs are sort of sassy and downbeat at the same time, but certainly not a downer.

For the emo crybaby in you, I highly recommend the beautiful “Tonight.” If you want something a little more upbeat, “I’m Good, I’m Gone” (and the slightly dancier Black Kids remix of same) is tough to beat. The lesser-known “Breaking It Up” is right up there too.

2) For those of you who are too cool for school and have known about Lykke Li for ages, well, you probably have heard of anyone else I’d suggest too. So for the rest of you, check out the UK export THE FRIENDLY FIRES. I saw them open for Lykke Li – if you ever get a chance to see them live, definitely do it, because after seeing them perform you’ll never hear their music the same way again. The lead singer has stage presence to spare.

The self-titled album is comparatively tame, but quite good. A couple singles are only just getting airplay on indie stations, so jump on the bandwagon now. I honestly have a hard time recommending a single single, since they’re all equally terrific. There’s not a misstep on the album. Honestly. But if I have to choose: “Ex Lover.” And “On Board.” Oh, and “Photobooth.” And, uh…all the others. Seriously, just get the album.

3) And now, for something completely different! Well, kind of different. PENDULUM! This is more aggressive, more electronic music that may remind of the Prodigy or the Crystal Method, except more verse-chorus/vocal-centric. It provided the perfect high-energy soundtrack for when I was dressing for Halloween – it’s got that fun, dark, kinda spooky sound.

Again, the whole album is good, because I don’t endorse one-hit wonders, but I recommend “The Other Side” and “Propane Nightmares” to get you started on your journey down the tunnel of Pendulum love.

I don’t get super excited about too many new artists, but these three are well worth checking out. So go do. And let me know what you think!

Keith Olbermann on Gay Marriage

I haven't even had the chance to see this video yet (it's been KA-RAY-ZEE here at work today). But:

a) It features Keith Olbermann, who is hilarious, brilliant and just a bit condescending.

b) It's about gay marriage which, while I am not particularly interested in participation, I believe everyone deserves the right to make that choice.

So watch it. Be moved. Laugh (maybe? I'm sure he cracks a joke or two). And pass it around.

Two Parents, One Cup.

Well, I finally did it.

I had “the Talk” with my parents.

(No…not that one.)

The “Politics ‘08” talk. An unnecessary but strangely compelling evil. The "Two Girls, One Cup" of parental chit-chats. You know you SHOULDN'T click on it. No good can come of it. You are better off without knowing. But yet you can't help yourself.

(Aside: actually, I never watched that video. I was one of the early people to receive a link to it, before it was common knowledge what was in the video. But my instincts told me I didn't want to see it. "What is it?" I asked the intern who had sent it to me. "Just click it," she said. Which affirmed it. "No, not until you tell me what it is." So she told me. "Yeeeeah I don't think I'm gonna watch that..." I said, and I never did, even as in the next few days the video went crazy Ebola viral. See, in some respects, I actually know what's good for me.)

But not in the “who did you vote for?” discussion that I’ve been afraid to bring up with my parents, because I already knew the answer. I held off until after the election because I knew I’d be slightly less outraged by the results if Obama had already won. (But only slightly.) It's a good thing I did.

My parents aren’t super-conservative, but they are Republican. This is mainly because they own a small business, and not because they are evangelical Christian white Supremacists. My dad is an atheist actually, but he doesn’t really care about the rest of the world or, you know, the planet at large. Definitely not green. My parents recently took a cruise around the East Coast of the United States and Canada, which stopped near New York City. Neither of my parents have ever seen Manhattan, but rather than explore what is considered pretty much the most famous and exciting city in the world – and certainly in our country – they decided to just go home. I’m used to my parents keeping their world view sort of – how should I say – limited, but I really had to bite my tongue when I heard that one. It’s one thing to never GO to New York (bad enough, right?) – but to already BE there, and not even take a day trip into Manhattan? Unthinkable.

Yes, my parents are amongst the majority in this country who voted for Bush TWICE (well, four times if you count his father). And thus I know better than to ever talk to them about politics, because I’m not going to change their minds, and I’ll only get frustrated.

This year, I had to ask, though. I held out a little hope that they might have voted for Obama. He’s so charismatic! And McCain is so…NOT charismatic. I could see my mom liking Obama, the handsome well-spoken family man. I could sort of see her, at least, getting swept up in the wave of optimism and change his campaign sent over this country like a tsunami (I say tsunami because it really only reached the coasts, leaving the heartland unaffected). (I was pretty sure my dad would do no such thing.) I have to wonder how all those who voted for Bush and now hate him are justifying the vote for McCain. Haven’t you people seen that your votes are WRONG?? Were the last 8 years not proof enough? Ah well…bygones.

Alas, no. I asked my mother if she has "any thoughts on the election,” which was a less accusatory way of saying, “YOU VOTED FOR MCCAIN, DIDN’T YOU, YOU FOOLISH GIRL??” Her reply surprised me...

...But not in a pleasant way. “I voted Republican - even though I can’t stand John McCain.”

Now I had fully prepared myself to hear that both of my parents had voted this way – they’ve never NOT voted Republican – but to hear that she voted for someone she “can’t stand”?! Oh, the ire! She went on: “In a way, I’m glad Obama won, because I really like him…” She said it’s the first time in her life she’s ever been tempted to vote for a Democrat. That she think he’ll do good things for this country, and that she’s afraid he’ll be shot and hope they have extra security for him. And his daughters are cute. And she is worried about the business taxes. And therein lies the rub. See, in the political world of my parents, as far as I can tell, taxes on businesses are the ONLY thing that matters. If Hitler was resurrected and ran for office with the platform that he was turning Yellowstone into a concentration camp, they’d probably vote for him as long as it made financial sense.

They hadn’t heard about Proposition 8 either, so the hysteria we’ve been experiencing in Los Angeles – and most gay people in the country have been keeping tabs on – is apparently not as pervasive and widespread as I thought.

On the plus side, at least she’s happy Obama won. Hopefully, a lot of Republican voters secretly feel that way. Once everyone calms down, I think most will find that they like him as a President. (I guess it’s a little early to call it, since at this point, anything could happen once he’s in office. Maybe we’ll all hate him. But I’m thinking positive.)

My parents are good people, and pretty open-minded about most things. They typify the average American, in both good and bad ways. I can’t be angry with them about their political ideas, even if they do irritate me. I should know better than to ever ask who they voted for again.

Except in 2012, assuming that Obama does a bang-up job as POTUS, I’m going to have to ask. Because by then maybe they’ll have changed their minds.

You say Tivo, I say DVR

Last night X lamented the evil brilliance of his Tivo, which willy-nilly skips over his recordings, sometimes specially selecting the shows he most wants to see.

I have the opposite problem, but maintain the same belief: My DVR is set on driving me insane.

I don't ask much of my television recording technology. I just want a fresh, witty, farcical Daily Show and Colbert Report to hunker down with every night after a long and arduous day of work. Is that too much to ask? I guess so.

I set the DVR to "Record New Episodes Only". This is especially important because I only have so much recording space on my DVR, and rarely get to watch TV during the week. Also, Comedy Central knows Stewart and Colbert are pretty much the only consistently good things going for them.

My DVR knows this, knows my demands, and yet works overtime to drive me to tears.

You see, despite specifically requesting NEW EPISODES ONLY, I come home to find 5 Colberts and 5 Stewarts sitting in my queue. That's one hour of necessary television, and four hours of horrifyingly similar re-runs. It's like walking in to my apartment to find John and Stephen cracking jokes amid four semi-retarded, unoriginal clones, delivering jokes I've already heard.

First off, it takes an ungodly amount of time to delete these clones. I have to highlight them, click my delete button on the remote four or five times until the box reponds, confirm the delete (another five angry clicks) and then, finally, one is deleted. And then there's seven more to go.

What's worse? Since my DVR is always dangling precariously close to the 100% recorded limit, these extra episodes are often recorded at the expense of other shows I haven't watched. I switch on the television only to discover that the 3-week-old episode of House I SWORE I would watch is now gone, disappeared into the ether. And he made out with Cutty last time I watched! What happens next!? Will he remain curmudgeonly?? I have no way of knowing.

So, X, I ask you - which is worse? WHICH IS WORSE?

Goddammit Time Warner, get your DVR shit together. Don't give us a "record new epidodes only" option if the box is going to disregard it. You might as well add a "dispense one million dollars in hundred dollar bills" and "cook white chocolate chip pumpkin cookies" to the menu, as they would provide the exact same level of disappointment.

Nearer My Cookie To Thee

The PUMPKIN WHITE CHOCOLATE CHIP HEAVEN MORE SEX YUM FREEDOM GIMME LOVE COOKIES entry did exactly what I expected it to - it caused a stir and made everyone terribly envious of me for having so many cookies all to myself. (Well, I gave away two of them, but only in exchange for sex.)

(I'll leave it up to you to decide if I'm kidding.)

I was going to post a picture of the cookies, but then I realized no photograph could ever capture the texture. The smell. And the exquisite taste. Of. The cookies. Because I know you're all picturing a little round piece of pumpkin heaven in your mind's eye, and it trumps any actual photographic evidence of cookie perfection I could provide. The human imagination is a powerful thing. It's sort of like how everyone was super excited for GODZILLA before it came out, but once we actually saw him and how ugly and lamely iguana-like he looked, we were all grateful Spielberg decided to have the T-Rex go to San Diego and steal G's thunder after all.

So here is a picture of where the cookies once lived, before they took up residence in my belly. Today is a day to remember said cookies and commemorate them for what they gave us: a few brief seconds of bliss. It's the end of an era.

Whoops, did I say "us" up there? I meant me. Only me. For I alone know God. And He is a Pumpkin White Chocolate Chip Cookie.

Mmm...I think I'll go buy more. ALL of them. And start a cult. I will be Cookie God, and you shall be my followers, begging me for crumbs.

Oh dear, I'm about to get really fat, aren't I?

Awkward Moments, Volume MCXLV

In this day and age, I think we all have moments where it feels like we’re living in a movie. But that begs the question: what genre?

I’m tempted to say horror, except if it were I’d be dead by now, ‘cause I’m not a virgin. There’s definitely a lot of drama. Some of my worst dates would suggest science fiction, whereas my relationships point more toward a war film. The only genre I can rule out with any certainty is family…unless it’s maybe the Manson family.

Overall, though, I’d have to go with romantic comedy. Surprising, right? My life is not that romantic, but when you think about it, romantic comedies are only a little bit romantic, at the end. Before that there’s usually a protagonist who goes on a lot of bad dates or doesn’t date at all, poor advice from friends, then maybe one good date with a ridiculously attractive co-star, which leads to conflict and a series of contrived mishaps meant to keep the romantic leads apart. And often a dog or an implausible bet. Plus plenty of uncomfortable situations. It’s that last one that leads me to believe I might be in the midst of a rom-com, of all things, since I tend to have those frequent awkward moments that, if YOU were watching me, you couldn’t help but laugh at. Pretty much every day.

Today’s: I was at Starbucks, per usual, working and enjoying a venti Americano. (Usually it’s iced, but it’s 60 degrees in Los Angeles today – freezing – so hot it is.) I’m acutely aware of my surroundings at all times – I’m a people-watcher. I’m always glancing up from my work to take in my surroundings. Especially when the people in my surroundings are hot. Often, I take a sip of coffee simultaneously.

Perhaps because I’m used to iced drinks with straws, or perhaps because I was just having an off-day, today I just assumed the little hole you sip out of was lined up with my mouth. But I was way off, by about 90 degrees. It wasn’t a little sip, either. I managed to pour coffee all the way down my shirt and down the side of my face. We’re talking serious wetness. It was definitely one of those awkward moments in a romantic-comedy where the protagonist sees someone they liked and makes an ass out of themselves.

Thankfully, at the moment, the current victim of people-watching did not witness the incident – nor, miraculously, did anyone else in the store. I hastily and discretely wiped off my face and shirt before anyone was the wiser and did not have to dash out of Starbucks humiliated. This is why I’m glad I’M the people watcher, and not everybody else. I’m comedy gold.

Except it didn’t lead to a date, 90 minutes of contrived situations keeping us apart, or a false happy ending. Dammit. It was a meet-cute without the meet! And therefore, I guess it wasn’t that cute, either.

Hmm. Perhaps I’m one of those indie comedies where you laugh at and simultaneously feel sorry for the pathetic main character. Yeah…that sounds about right.

Alexander's Nocturne

Justin was right about the whole nocturnal thing! For some of you, it's already Wednesday, whereas I am about to go out and celebrate Veteran's Day by getting good and smashed, like veterans do. What a bad guest blogger I am. The entries won't always come in a night-owl chunk, though.

Does anyone else think it’s weird that Christian Bale is both Bruce Wayne/Batman AND John Connor in the upcoming Terminator film? Greedy much, CB? Let someone else be a superhero! One franchise per brooding indie actor-cum-action star from now, k, Hollywood?

That actually has almost nothing to do with what I’m about to say, but it kinda bugs. What I really want to talk about is REAL machines taking over our future.

Namely, my Tivo. I think it’s getting smarter.

Seriously. It keeps coming up with ways to outsmart me. Sometimes it decides to take the week off from recording ANY shoes, like it did last week. Other times, it randomly selects just one show to skip out on. Yet it somehow KNOWS to choose only the one I want to watch the most. Sometimes it records the wrong channel, sometimes it records just black, but never on the same show and never all at the same time. Tivo knows that with all the crazy wires that took me 3 hours to properly set up when I first got it, I won’t go messing around with it in any serious way, because it’s too hard and confusing. Tivo knows I will let it get away with anything, and that I cannot live without it.

Tivo is my master. And I think it’s starting to figure it out. Sometimes when I’m watching it, I see that little red eye that means it’s recording another show, and I have to wonder…is IT watching ME, too?

The devils I know and don't know

This week, something I know everything about mixed with something I know very little about. You see, The Simpsons appeared in Harper's Bazaar, appearing alongside fashion gods that I know only because my cousin talks about the unbelievable prices of their handbags and doggie sweaters.

But maybe I'll learn a bit about fashion now that Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie are involved. I also want to learn about the stock market, so maybe the yellow family should go there next.

Click on the images to view the full-sized versions.

Oh, and WTF with that crazy ass ACTUAL outfit ensemble thing at the bottom? It's like a sexy, portable gallows. Outfit presentations like that almost ensure that I will never, ever understand fashion, forcing me to continue to buy outfits right off the mannequins at Express and Gap.

Oh well.

Morning Politics

With the election over, I am promising myself to wean off of the political posts. Looking back over the past few weeks, I might as well have been a political blogger. I got caught up in Obama fever and didn't have the right dosage of cowbell to cure my ailment.

So, from today I am pledging to only post political commentary first thing in the morning, when the rest of you are too tired to give a shit, and just wasting time before you dive into your email in boxes.

Oh, and I'll try to keep it lighthearted and funny. Yet still potent. Like today's link, which is from Bill Maher, where he lays into Republicans and tells them what they are not allowed to do for the next four years.

Call Me....I'll Be Around.

Normally I am quite the wordsmith. I don't post pictures or videos, because I am lazy, and hate having to watch things online. There is nothing worse than when someone IMs me a video and I have to stop everything I'm doing to click on the link and watch it, and usually not enjoy it much.

But sometimes, when I'm blue, and it feels like all is lost and there is no hope in the world, and nobody can be trusted, I remember that there is one person I can always count on: Rick Astley. And so I've decided that now is a good opportunity to share him with you. He is there for ALL of us.

It doesn't matter how bad a mood you're in. It doesn't matter if you've just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's, if your Grandma had a heart attack while backing out of the driveway, died, and backed over your pregnant puppy in the process, or if there is a sudden rise of neo Nazis who begin a new Holocaust - unless that Holocaust includes the destruction of all Rick Astley music videos to make the world pure. Then we're doomed.

Because unless that happens, I can always count on this video to entertain me in ways that few things can. Seriously, every single second of it is wonderful. ("Never Gonna Give You Up" is pretty amazing, too - if only for the one singular dance move that Rick has mastered, the arm-shaking thing. It LOOKS easy, but it's hard to perfect. This video is the more traditionally kitschy of the two, more cheesy than godawful - but just when you think you're over it, the bartender starts doing backflips.) I know, I'm hardly the first person to call out the over-the-top 80's ridiculousness of Rick Astley, but for any of you who haven't seen it - or have forgotten - it is the perfect antidote to...well, anything. Whenever you need somebody...


*


woh woh woh!

Legalize Gay Marriage the Obama Way

An excellent article on using Barack's election strategy to legalize gay marriage.

I already agree with the first point: the use of violence and anger. Really? We know violence achieves nothing. If it did, we'd own Iraq and al qaeda would be all but a fart in the wind.

Chill back on the violence. Organize. Fund raise. And do it the Barack Obama way!

I don't think I'm ready for this cookie

A few notes:

1. I am often derided for enjoying white chocolate. "It's not even chocolate!" I hear yelled from the gaping maws of chocoholic friends. Am I to not enjoy creamy, delicious white chocolate just because someone was smart enough to market white, nondescript sweet cream in an intelligent way?

2. I love pumpkin EVERYTHING. Muffins. Cookies. Donuts. Rapists. But I hate pumpkins. Have you ever gotten a whiff of a pumpkin when it's cut open? It smells like hobo vomit mixed with a freshly poured Tequila Sunrise. How, one wonders, does pumpkin taste so goddammed good when the source is so schnasty? Well, I counter: how is it that carrot cake tastes so delicious when a carrot itself is relatively flavorless, if not bitter?

Much like how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop... the world may never know.

3. I am extremely jealous that you have these cookies. In fact, I'll bet I couldn't even find them if I tried. Here in New York City, where real estate is both scarce and scarily unaffordable, our supermarkets take a hit. We go shopping in spaces smaller than a broom closet. I didn't realize what this meant until one day when my cousin and I scoured the entire island of Manhattan to find blueberry pancake-wrapped sausages from Jimmy Dean. Nowhere to be found. In the great war of space versus product, Jimmy got porked. Same goes for frozen meals or pretty much anything else. There's a good chance we won't find them unless we head out of the city.

But now, just because that sounds so delicious... i might go looking for them anyway.

Are You Gonna Catch What I'm Pitchin'?

Snack foods aside, most of what I'll be writing about will probably pertain to the daily life of being a screenwriter in Los Angeles, not so much because it's interesting, but it is my life and therefore the majority of what I have to write about.

So for now, I am about off to a pitch meeting, which is where I take someone else's idea, add my own ideas, and hope that they hire me to write the screenplay. It results either in me making money and not being put out on the streets, or me returning home in tears and desperately searching Craigslist for a Normal People Job.

Since this is the third (and presumably final) meeting, I stand a fairly good chance of it working out in my favor. But since it's Hollywood, imminent doom is always a distinct possibility. So wish me luck.

A Delicious Introduction.

Ordinarily I’d like to start off my blogging with some intelligent discourse about politics, or an amusing aside about the entertainment industry. But instead, it’s going to be cookies. White chocolate chip cookies, to be more specific. There are very few things in the world I enjoy more than white chocolate chips. Except, possibly, things that are pumpkin-flavored. That is why I am delighted to report that I purchased a package of PUMPKIN WHITE CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES last night.

Are you still with me? I only ask because I’m afraid that some of my dear readers may have had an aneurism when they saw such delicious words like PUMPKIN WHITE CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES strung together without any less appetizing words like GARBAGE, YUCK, or SARAH PALIN breaking up the wonderfulness. I’ve eaten six of these cookies in the last 24 hours, and only thing stronger than my urge to purge is my longing for more of the mind-blowing, mouth-watering heaven that is – say it with me, now – PUMPKIN WHITE CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES.

The only rival to PUMPKIN WHITE CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES I have ever encountered before is on the menu of the swank Beverly Hills eatery Kate Mantilini – CANDY BAR ICE CREAM PIE. It sounds like sweet-tooth Tourette’s, doesn’t it? It should be illegal to put so many scrumptious things together in just one tasty morsel, because if all the delectable things in the world are right here in this cookie, then there is nothing left for the rest of the world. It is a monopoly of yumminess that should be outlawed, and yet, I am oh so glad that it isn’t.

I’m not normally even a huge fan of the cookie. They’re a bit dry and crumbly for my taste. Give me a tiramisu any day. (But preferably Tuesday, because of the alliteration.) However, may I also report that these PUMPKIN WHITE CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES are no ordinary cookie, but rather, an atypically fluffy variety of cookie? They have a consistency more akin to a muffin than your usual hard, flat, dry cookie. The only thing that could possibly be better than a PUMPKIN WHITE CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE is one that is soft and fluffy like a muffin. Like, seriously, if you offered me one million dollars in exchange for never having had these cookies, I’d pause and think about it. I mean, I’d take the million bucks for sure – I’m not an idiot – but I’d at least think it over first. And that says something.

There are many reasons to envy me, but right now, the main reason is that I still have two PUMPKIN WHITE CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES left.

But not for long…

Obama Losers and Gay Racehorses

Two great videos from The Onion News Network.

The first: a fate I'm glad I avoided: Post-Obama zombies. With him elected, what will they do next!?


Obama Win Causes Obsessive Supporters To Realize How Empty Their Lives Are


The second: The first gay racehorse to compete - an expose. My favorite part? "No, I'm concerned about the other horses. They have to eat with him. What if they get horse AIDS?"


First Openly Gay Racehorse To Compete Sunday

I do, I do in the sky

Okay, so you're gay. And you want to get married. Unfortunately, that's not on the menu if you live in California or Florida or some other state. And that sucks.

But can the government stop you from getting married ABOVE California?

It's worth a try, and Marriage in the Sky has the giant crane contraption to help you out. You and your wedding party can take to the sky, arrive by helicopter for a grand entrance, and even bungee jump after taking your vows (if you end up regretting your choice of spouse, the death-do-us-part can happen RIGHT after you swear to it.)

I say the next phase of California gay marriage protests should involve a week's worth of sky marriages followed by the happily married homos sky diving into the middle of heterosexual weddings. We'll show them how destructive gay marriages can be.

Meet X

This week's co-blogger on Justin Plus One comes from a different coast and, consequently, different time zone. That means more nocturnal posts from La La Land - an excellent way to worsen your insomnia - and helping this blog become a site that never sleeps.

For those of you coming in from the West Coast, send some California love to our darling X.

Welcome aboard, X!



My Name: X. Alexander

My Location: Los Angeles

My Sites: MySpace , LiveJournal

What I might post about: Film, music, celebrities, writing, everyday life annoyances, Los Angeles ridiculousness, random observations of people, Starbucks (I am there daily so…)

What I love: Movies, coffee, good times with good people, drinking, inappropriate sexual witticism, attention, people-watching, more attention on top of the aforementioned attention, complaining about getting too much attention, still more attention, TV

What I hate: Mediocre movies, bad coffee, bad times with bad people, not drinking…

The last word: I’m a single Republican alien. Not really. But I guess I would mention that I am a screenwriter and plug my piece in the book Love West Hollywood: Reflection of Los Angeles. Because, oh yeah, I forgot to say I enjoy bragging in “What I love.”

Kill the Lights

NEW BRITNEY TRACK LEAKED

"Kill the Lights"

download it

"is that money in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"

Brunch

Brunch is...one of my favorite things about New York. I think that there should be a brunch society. A brunch umbrella organization. Something to unite all of the brunch-goers in the city so we have a resource to match up our brunch needs with brunch locales.

Thoughts?

Today I am going to Petit Abielle

AHHHH! EWWWWW! OMG!!!

Holy FUCKING shit!

Do you see this? I can't tell if I want to be sick or cry.

I think Homer Simpson put it best: "These aliens make me want to VOMIT in TERROR!"

A spider that large. A bird that large. If I ever saw a spider this size I'd probably just kill myself.

Apparently this photo has made the viral rounds on the Web this week... and apparently it's REAL.

If it were fake, I'd get over it.

Now I'll never go to Australia. Ever.

THIS amazing image of a mammoth spider devouring a bird was taken in the backyard of a property near Cairns.

The photo, believed to have been taken earlier this week, shows the spider clenching its legs around a lifeless bird trapped in a web at a property near Atherton, west of Cairns.

Joel Shakespeare, the head spider keeper at NSW's Australian Reptile Park, has told ninemsn the spider was a golden orb weaver.

"Normally they prey on large insects, it's unusual to see one eating a bird," he said.

Mr Shakepeare said he had seen Golden Orb Weaver spiders as big as a human hand but the northern species in tropical areas were known to grow larger.

See it for yourself.

Obama Don't Quit!

It's been not two days since he won and Obama is kicking ass already!

Today he held his first press conference with a cadre of smart, rich people flanking him. This is his economic transition team. Wow. He even has a cute little podium that says "President-Elect".

Did Bush ever do that? I was an angry college kid and didn't care to pay attention.

Even better? There is a new official government web site for the office of the President-Elect: Change.gov.

AMAZING!

You keep it up, Obama! Talk about taking off with a bang. He is a new President for a new era.

<3

OBAMA'S DENIM

if there's one thing i LOVE, it is a great pair of jeans (i'm partial to COH):

http://nymag.com/daily/fashion/2008/10/barack_obama_upgrades_his_mom.html

Obama gets this. Yet another reason why he is great.

Obviously Straight Traits

In Broken Heart's Club, the characters ramble on about Obviously Gay Traits. One would consider these to be a love of men, the desire to have sex with men, and the fact that they aren't attracted to women. But what they mean is a love of Barbara Streisand. Or ballet. Or musicals.

Any way. I have the opposite - Obviously Straight Traits. These are parts of me that often earn threats on my gay card from friends. One such trait is an odd love of professional wrestling. And not for the sweaty bodies. But for the fake violence. The sheer phony bloodsport.

Maybe this would better be considered an Obviously Hillbilly Trait, as the collective sum of teeth among audience members at a wrestling event is somewhere around 30.

Not only do I love wrestling. I also love wrestling video games. Namely, THQ's WWE Smackdown Versus Raw series. I have been buying these games annually since college. I dropped over 3,000 bucks on a TV and a PS3 the day I heard Smackdown was jumping platforms.

Well, this Sunday, the newest version of Smackdown V. Raw is coming out. And I am so excited I could die.



Good luck getting me out of the apartment for the next month!!

Pet peeve #157 - iPhone SMS shortcomings

Ok I probably don't have 157 pet peeves, but can I get a shout out from all iPhone owners (myself included) who love their phone but thinks it SUCKS that they can't forward texts or receive multimedia messages!?

still a celebrity

I LOVE this picture, which was in the NY Times, but is reminiscent of something you'd see in USWeekly. That's why I always loved the commentary about Obama being a celebrity, because I love celebrities! Were it not for the giant Suburbans likely full of Secret Service agents parked in the foreground, this pic could be of Britney or Jennifer Anniston or George Clooney. But it's our president. And he's awesome.

HBO goes Aussie

It seems like the HBO Sunday lineup is about to get better. First we have the blood-bathed, sexy plasma-sucking adventures of the vamps in True Blood (LOVE). But then we have the stupid douchebags of Entourage (HATE!).

But now we have an extremely sharp, very acidic, particularly cruel Australian transport, Summer Heights High.

I have a friend who works in HBO and he confided in me months ago that "if there's anything to watch on here this year, it's this show."

Summer Heights High is a mockumentary series that follows public school kids (including special ed kids played by actual special ed kids). Most of the teachers are played by the series' writer, and the jokes are apparently harsh, shocking and, well, fucking hilarious.

It starts this Sunday at 10:30 and you can bet I'll be there watching.

For some reason, HBO seems to be laying off the marketing of the show (the web site has NO pages and just one video!) But there is plenty of info to whet your appetite over at ABC Australia.