Hello Everyone! My name is Sarah Pappalardo, and I am this week's Plus One.
My favorite lesbian is Rachel Maddow.
My least favorite lesbian is Suze Orman.
Rachel is a lesbian's lesbian. She's definitely the smartest one, a pundit's pundit, and works for all the right media outlets. Suze Orman captures the hearts of Oprah and my mother.
I know Suze Orman's life story, because her informercial is on repeat whenever I visit my mother's television-infested home. Her face, with a cake of bad makeup and inch-thick eyeliner, make her look like a field hockey coach that got into the hands of a suburban cosmetology student. And I repeat: she is strongly aligned with Oprah.
Rachel, on the other hand, would probably make Oprah a little uncomfortable, because she is so much smarter than Oprah. And I'm going to take a guess that she doesn't feel the need to empower suburban moms. She likes good booze a little too much. And her glasses are too liberal.
You know what gets me the most? As soon as the inevitable recession reared its ugly head, Suze is at her laptop, somewhere between New York, San Fran or Florida, writing a book as fast as humanly possible to get as much money before her three-waves-behind feminist fans lose all hope for living. Boom! It's a New York Times Bestseller, so obviously people can still afford new books.
As if Suze was the only person who lived in a van in Berkeley in the 70's, she peddles her "I came from nothing!" story as if her honest waitress roots give her some kind of authenticity. I was a waitress. I'm miles away from authentic. I'm contemplating lipo right now, and there are people giving blowjobs for pizza outside my door. I'm just way too cool to sell common sense.