Peanut Bitter

When they told me that fresh spinach was killing senior citizens, I shook my head and said that was a shame. But I never liked spinach leaves. When I heard that jalapeno peppers were being recalled, I winced and worried at the fate of my Subway sandwich lunches. But again, I persevered.

But now that they are recalling peanut butter, I just can't take it. I LOVE peanut butter. It is like manna from the heavens for me. My mom apparently ate it by the jarful when she was pregnant of me. And now I eat it by the jarful at the risk of looking like I'm pregnant.

I can eat peanut butter from a jar with a spoon. Reece's is practically a lover of mine. Butterfinger. Anything, really, that has peanut butter in it. It's the first ingredient I scan for on a dessert menu. It's the first flavor I consider at an ice cream shop(pe).

So you can imagine my dismay, nay my mortal torment over this current situation. WHAT TERRIBLE WORLD IS THIS IF THERE IS NO PEANUT BUTTER?

My god.

What will we have with jelly? MARGARINE?

Oh christ.

What will Reece's fill their cups with? NOUGAT?

I'd sooner hoover a full jar of peanut butter and accept my sticky, nutty, heavenly demise.

Dear terrorists: You can take our spinach. Our jalapeno peppers. But if you don't leave my peanut butter alone, I will go Jack Bauer on your ass and make you regret ever having fucked with me.

PS: Despite all of the peanut butter and peanut-related recalls in effect, Circus Peanuts are still on the shelves... because no one buys them any way.