As some of you may know, I have been sick the past few days. My co-workers and caring friends and family members have taken this as a springboard opportunity to attack me about my party-monster style actions the past few weeks.
"Of course you're sick! You can't be out all nights of the week, til 3 in the morning, get up at 7, eat close to nothing except the lemon rinds in your madras and expect to stay healthy!"But my defense is, how am I supposed to stay in when I'm getting emails and promos and texts from Plus One Chris Ryan every day? Of COURSE I want $4 vodka crans at Rewind at Ritz! Of COURSE I want to get in for free to Campus Thursdays at Splash! Why WOULDN'T I want $5 cover for the Friday party at RUSH?
Well, today when I called to schedule an appointment with my doctor, the lady at the desk told me that I would have to wait because he was home sick with the same illness, one that is apparently plaguing all of Manhattan.
As my cousin and Plus One Alum Kristin said "New York City turns into a gigantic fucking petri dish, it's pretty goddammed disgusting."
Now I do not take being sick lightly. In fact, I get very angry. Imagine a gym teacher father yelling at his 8 year old son who can't stay balanced on his ice skates, let alone lead his ice hockey team to the county championships.
That bitter, unhappy, unfulfilled gym teacher is my brain, and that innocent, verbally abused child is my body.
I become downright militant when I'm sick, confining myself to my apartment to down gallons of orange juice and swallow zinc pills like it's my job. Every day I wake up still feeling sick is a failure. I howl like a werewolf, practically pounding at the swollen glands in my throat, threatening to rip them out if they don't go back to their normal non-swollen sizes.
Oh, and I also watch a lot of TV.
Last night I had NY 1 on, which for those of you NOT in NYC, is our local news channel. It's low budget brilliance, with awkward call-in shows, news that plays on loop throughout the evening, and apparently a morning news show where the host reads the local newspapers.
It also has a lot of infomercials. And from there, in my feverish mental oblivion, I started thinking about infomercials. They're terrible. Poorly designed. Shabbily thrown together.
The people in the grainy black and white footage have dramatic panic attacks over simple challenges like wire tangles or the presence of wire hangers.
And yet, we'll watch them any way. Why? Because they're tragically wonderful. And half the time we're watching them we're either stoned or drunk and just too lazy to turn off the TV or switch on the DVR.
With that in mind, I think I'll post some of my favorites here. I invite the rest of you to add your favorites as well.
Does anyone remember Amazing Discoveries? I used to LOVE this show. Why? Because it found a way to make infomercials that much more believable - by having a common show where the silly products could rotate through with the same host (and look at that hideous sweater!)
Of course there is everyone's recent top fave, The Snuggie:
It takes something standard and accepted, like a blanket, and makes it a challenging, unfulfilling product that should be destroyed.
Last night I caught a new one for the ShamWow:
This guy is just fantastic. He looks like Steve Buscemi and he compliments the Germans!
Another fave of mine, and my friend Paul would have to be THE MAGIC BULLET:
The charming british accent of the host almost soothes you to sleep, and chain-smoking neighbor Basil is an inspirational character.
And last night I also came across the commercial for the Obama Commemorative Plate:
I love the man who is handwriting (so old fashioned!) a letter, probably to a fellow Patriot, who then takes a break to gaze upon his Obama-emblazoned plate for the will to go on with his powerful message. Oh, and get it fast because they will DESTROY THE DYE used to make it.
Of course there are tons more where these came from, but I only have so much time to think of them and post them here. I defy you to go ahead and post others in the comments. What are YOUR favorite infomercials?