In the vein of Atherton's overshare post, I have decided that I, too, will give you a bit more information than most of you know about me. Relax, it's not disgusting, or spooky, or creepy. It is, however, quite embarrassing to me.
I am a HUGE cry baby. There. I said it. I don't often admit it. In fact, as a broad-shouldered Capricorn with no fashion sense, people just assume I'm a brick wall of a man. One with no emotions, no feelings, anything. Luckily, this is not the case.
However, you'll be hard-pressed to find me bawling at anything that happens to me in real life. I can thank my emotion-fearing father for teaching me to swallow my feelings. For many years, in fact, my mom would say she worried I'd end up like him - swallowing my feelings until they did me in.
LUCKILY I found an easy out that lets me get my bitter tears out - media. I am able to cry my FUCKING EYES OUT like a LITTLE GIRL (or an emotionally healthy male, WHATEVES!) when watching movies, TV shows, cartoons, musicals and plays. I still have never been brought to tears by a book, but hopefully those are not far behind.
Trust me, I do it all the time. It elicits one of two reactions: either deeply touching whomever I'm with, because they see that this big lug has a huge soft spot inside of him, or deeply embarrassing my friends, who will never go with me to see Wicked again.
Here are a few of my biggest cry releasers, maybe they get you too. Or maybe I'm just a big ole baby...
This tale of a pig and his best friend the female spider gets me every time. The songs especially. And when Charlotte perishes I'm practically snivelling where I sit. This may have something to do with the fact that I was a very, very fat boy who also tried to do backflips. And maybe I'm jealous of Wilbur because at least he had a friend who called him Famous and Some Pig. I never got that. Asshole.
A Christmas Story
Now before you call me a total lamewad let me add the caveat that THIS WHOLE MOVIE doesn't make me cry (like stupid Charlotte's Web does!) No, rather, the ONLY part of this movie that makes me cry is right here (I kid you not, I audibly weeped while reviewing the clip). Why you ask? Because I've discovered that any sort of mothering or family-related trials in movies cut right to my gut.
When Ralphie loses his shit and beats the crapzo out of the stupid jerk bully it is SCARY. Then his mom comes and he breaks down. He cries.... and I'm about to cry. Time to move on!
An American Tale
Again - one song! Oh Fieval. God bless you, you little fucking adorable rodent. The tears you bring to my eyes flow so hard and fast. Who cares about AIG bonuses and the recession? You are clearly the true threat to Americans everywhere.
Oh, and PS: I did NOT cry when he went out West. Okay, I did... but only because I thought it was such a dumb place for him to go.
Oh man this thing is like a 16-hit super combo (still thinking of Atherton's overshare!) I cry so many times during this musical, you would think they have an electrode hooked up to the "visualize your family perishing before you" nodes in my brain.
When Angel and Collins sing "Cover You." When Angel dies. When Collins sings about Angel dying. When Mimi almost dies. Every. God. Damned. Time. I am done for.
Brothers and Sisters
Okay, I had to stop watching this goddamn show. Crying every Sunday night for one hour had gotten to be too much for me.
Plus, the power of actor association was so terribly potent that I found myself getting choked up watching Boniva commercials.
I know, I know. You're thinking: WTF!? And no, I didn't cry because some mystery reptilian FUCK MONSTER was destroying the city I call my home. No, in the movie there is one moment where I lost my shit - when the protagonist has to call his mother and tell him that his brother was killed by the FUCK MONSTER. And he realizes what he's saying, and I'm imagining the mother's reaction, and I'm seeing his, and I'm done for.
Note: this makes a far better story when my cousin and Plus One Alum Kristin tells guys I'm trying to pick up that I "cried during Cloverfield."
Under the Same Moon
Have you seen this movie? Well, everyone should. And not just for the brief cameo by America Ferrera. The story of this little boy who travels across the border illegally to meet up with his mother in California is not so much a movie as it is a Cry Colonic.
When I saw this movie in the theater, I cried from beginning to end (and actually, before the movie started, because they were out of popcorn and I was STARVING).
There are tons more to add to this list, I'm sure. Slumdog Millionaire got me a number of times. So did when Bill died two weeks ago in 24. So did that episode of Gossip Girl where... ahhhh I'm fucking kidding on that one.
I could go on and on, but I think I've overshared enough. Now please be nice, or I might start bawling.