There are many body types in this world: average, slender, skinny, athletic, heavyset, toned, etc.There is one that I have always coveted: the gay oracle better known as the Swimmer's Build. You know what I'm talking about. This body type makes up half of the member photos on Connexion (btw: has anyone besides me noticed that the average height of a Connexion user is about 6'3oooo" ?).
What I love most about this body type (besides, yanno, the smooth rippling 8 pack abs, the tight, toned pecs, the perfectly hewn leg and arm muscles... oh goodness, my laptop just lifted a bit...)
ANYWAY what I love MOST about the body type is that it tells you, right in its name, just what you have to do to obtain it. And that is skydive. Psych!
Today I would call my body "athletic." Mostly because I've seen what people call "average" and, well, they're pretty goddamned fat. I have some tone to me. I look pretty good in a tight shirt. I would say I have a NICE build. But, of course, considering the type of guys I go after... well, that simply will not do.
Plus, I'm still losing the 15 pounds I put on in my last relationship (reasons to stay single, folks!)
Unfortunately, being a denizen of the Big Gay Apple, I have encountered a dilemma - pools are more rare than a drink that costs less than 7 dollars. Back in my shameful hometown of Bellmore, NY (on the shamefully Long Island that is too unoriginal to come up with a better name for itself) pools were everywhere. My cousin had one. My friends had them. There were four pools IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD.
Of course, when they were readily available, I wasn't looking for a swimmer's build. I was looking to climb to the top of the diving board, fully suited up in my noseplugs and goggles, looking like James Bond about to go deep sea diving for terrorist lairs, only to chicken out and descend in shame as friends and foes laughed at my cowardice.
And now that I am READY to get that beloved Swimmer's Frame, I find my efforts thwarted.
The other week I was SUDDENLY re-enthused to pursue my holy gay grail. And then I remembered - I live on the Upper East Side! This means two things:
1. I live in the most boring place in the world, where frat boys and trust fund teens go to die (or dine, there ARE some good brunch places - Alice's Tea Cup, I'm looking in your direction!)
2. I am RIDICULOUSLY CLOSE TO the 92nd Street Y!
So online I went, to the web site for that very Y. I began to click around and discovered the following hard-to-swallow truth: The 92nd Street Y does NOT want me to be able to take off my shirt this summer.
Why? Because it is IMPOSSIBLE to find the price for a pool membership. I looked at the site and FOUND the pool - a glorious web page where they told me all of the wonderful aspects of the pool (it has water, it is both long and wide, octagenrians aquacize in it on Thursday afternoons)
The site tells me what I can do in the pool.
It tells me where the pool is.
It tells me the kinds of memberships I can get to the pool.
And it tells me the benefits of the pool membership I want.
BUT IT WON'T TELL ME HOW MUCH I HAVE TO PAY FOR THE POOL!
Come on, Man! I clicked everywhere! And no matter where I clicked, not once did I find a price for the chance to use their water hole.
Why? Is the price so horrid that they need the ability to conference in a grief counselor when they tell me? Will uttering it aloud bring Voldemort back? Do they keep it in a treasure chest guarded by a Roc ?
It is odd that I need to say this in an economic recession but Hey! 92nd Street Y! Let me give you my money! Please! I have it here, counted out and ready to spend! Please let me give it to you!
I realize that I can call to find this information out, but I am a child of the Internet, phone calls to strangers unnerve me. Especially because there's a 3 in 5 chance that the person on the other end of the line will accidentally call me "Miss", forcing me to raise my voice an octave and call myself Justina when they take my name, to avoid an awkward situation when they discover my true gender.
Okay, of course I will call the Y. And hopefully the pool will be open for me to use it late at night. Because man, I can swim for hours. It's a wonderful experience that feels like I'm flying, except for the fact that I'm really swimming.
And, really, if I want to have a swimmer's body, I'll need to work for it. Why should obtaining said body be easy at any point of the process?
However, if my attempts are thwarted further by the Demon 92nd Street Y, I can always take classes from this vixen:
Um, you have better than a "nice" build.
ReplyDelete"Especially because there's a 3 in 5 chance that the person on the other end of the line will accidentally call me "Miss..."
I can't tell you how often this has happened to me. And your voice is deeper than mine. This makes me feel not as lame.
Well look at it this way, my dear: at least you're not emaciated, like me. I think it's actually easier to lose weight and obtain the swimmer's build than to be the one whose every personal trainer, nutritionist, and yoga instructor ever has assured him that he will always be a too-skinny little bitch. LOL?
ReplyDeleteAlso, ZOMG I hate that whole "Miss" over the phone thing, as well. I usually fly into a rage when that happens. "ATHERTON! A. THER. TON! Does that sound like a chick to you?!"
;-)
Damn...you're still on this? You were having this problem when we talked, like, 2 weeks ago.
ReplyDelete@Justin
ReplyDeleteThank you darling :) And yes, I have a deep voice - but I lift it as a courtesy on the phone so people can hear me.
Then they think I'm a chick lol.
@AB
ReplyDeleteI might rather be too effing skinny. I'd take that too haha.
Lucas,
ReplyDeleteThe problem hasn't fixed itself yet!
If all else fails, I'm sure there's a rec center with an indoor pool accessible to you. Annual memberships are $75.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, I'm allergic to water, so I'll be joining the one by my apartment with no pool for $50. It'll be nice not to have to commute solely to work out on the weekend.
Great article! There is hope – I would say that I now have the swimmers body shape.
ReplyDeleteMy catalyst was breaking up with my ex. I was fed up of seeing all these guys with amazing bodies and even though I was working out, I was nowhere near.
Firstly, I’m glad you said “I’ll need to work for it”. I knew where I wanted to get to so set myself the goal of the swimmers body shape (not a good body for swimming) and trained hard. I stuck to a “clean diet” 6 days a week. I also built up to regular weight sessions and cardio.
Secondly, I disagree that “ the body type… tells you, right in its name, just what you have to do to obtain it.” Weights are the best way to add muscle. Swimming is more for stripping fat (cardio) to reveal the muscle you created in the gym.
I used a program (www.TheSwimmersBody.com) which helped me to focus. I’m sure there are other programs out there too, you just need to think about what it is you really want to achieve, and think how much work you are willing to put in. Remember why you are doing it!
I am really happy with my body now. The program kept me focused and I get my body out at every opportunity now!
Terrific work! This is the type of information that should be shared around the web. Shame on the search engines for not positioning this post higher!
ReplyDelete