Thursday, April 30, 2009

Hair Today, Gone Today

In Plus One Jason's last post he mentioned that Rufus Wainwright - my singing god among men - has recently grown a beard. I can't tell you how upset this makes me. In a world where people protest things like equal gay rights or the lives of pigs, I go for something far simpler: I don't like facial hair.

Why? I just don't like it! I feel like people are hiding parts of their faces underneath it. A majority of the guys I know with facial hair actually, in my opinion, look far hotter when they are shorn. In fact, while looking at them, I can see their actual face almost through the hair - rendering the mustache or beard a costume piece they strapped on behind their head.

Granted, I have fallen for the facial hair trap a few times. I once upon a time did the Long Island D-bag chin strap. I also tried out the goatee and the goatee-with-mustache. Each one was a disaster, and after being blind to the obvious for a few months, I promptly did away with the hair and was commented for my return to normalcy.

I'm not opposed to ALL facial hair, though. I don't mind tasteful, sexy stubble. But full on beards? They look strange! I understand some people wear them to look older (because I've seen them shaven and they look positively barely-legal). But isn't there another way to look older? Bart Simpson used platform shoes and a small dog - I recommend the same here.

Even worse than the beard is the mustache. If it's connected to a trim goatee, again, I can sometimes see it as sexy. But a straight up mustache? They're as rare as hen's teeth (or hen's mustaches). I have never seen a mustache that looks right to me. Is that a me-only thing? Has anyone ever seen a respectful looking mustache on anyone under 40?

I don't expect you to keep your body so hairless that I can grease you up and bowl you down a lane to get a strike, but, really, all that facial hair is just gonna be itchy and scratchy, and it's blocking a good 25% of your beautiful face!

Instead of speaking solely for myself, I did a random Instant Message poll. And here are some answers I got in regards to my question "What do you think of facial hair?"

Plus One Alum, Shawn Hollenbach: "What do you have to hide?"

Plus One Alum, Clint Osterholz: "You know how people shave their pubic hair completely off? Well that's fucking stupid. Trimming it is fine, but shaping it or shaving it off looks retarded. Same thing's true for facial hair. If you're going to have it, fine, but your face isn't a fucking blank easel. Keep a trimmed, neat beard. I won't fuck you, but god knows some tard with a steel wool fetish might."

Future Plus One, Chris Haigy: "Um... facial hair is, like all things, fine in moderation (unless it's a mustache). Stubble is okay, as is a light beard, but when you can't see skin underneath your hair, you've gone too far. Goatees are just fine and I actually sort of like them, but if you can braid it, it's too much. We all saw what happened to SoaD.

Mutton chops should not be worn unless you're auditioning for a role on the remake of dark shadows, but sideburns look very nice and I have them. No facial hair should ever be ironic. Otherwise you're not just a hipster, you're a douchebag."

Next Week's Plus One, Rob Scheer: "I think occasionally a guy will look MUCH better with facial hair than without (e.g.: I think John Krasinski in that new movie "Away We Go" looks kind of hot with his new beard, but he looks kind of doofy on "The Office").

On the same token, sometimes it goes the opposite way -- it all depends on the type of face they have and how well the hair meshes with it. For example: when boyish twinks try to grow facial hair / goatees / beards to look more mature, it usually looks disastrous.

Not even joking -- When I first met my boyfriend (who, for the record, I think is adorable), I didn't find him the least bit attractive for the first month or so that I knew him because he had ridiculous facial hair. It wasn't until he shaved a few weeks after I met him when I realized, "hmmm. This boy's actually cute.""

Upcoming Plus One, Dan Leveille: Short hair can be sexy on the right type of person, but beards are gross. Mustaches are gross too.

Phew. Okay, so at least I'm not alone in the feeling. Keep it trim, keep it tame, and it might work. But mustaches are odd, full on beards are nesty and strange!

Why don't YOU weigh in while you're at it?



  1. Solidarity comment. I have already registered my brilliance.

  2. I find your article insulting. Do you have any idea how many lovers I've gotten simply from this mustache? Do you?

    If you were sensible of your own good, you would not wish to quit the sphere in which you have been brought up.

  3. Solidarity, my brother! Blog buddies 4eva.

  4. Tom,

    Your undeniably sexy 'stache can never be replicated. For this reason I say no one should ever be allowed to grow one again!

  5. Well, I, for one, look ridiculous without facial hair (see Labor Day '07), so I won't be caught dead without it. I'm a known fan of the Woof, but if you get a guy with a full beard and thin lips, you're screwed.

    And I have seen a good-looking young men with good-looking mustaches. I'm pretty sure they were all either black or Latin, though.

  6. I think the WORST of them all.... a NEARD (Neck-Beard)!!!