Justin has destroyed Florida's inherent goodness

As you all know, Justin is hiding from me in Florida, and I have taken over. I'm sure you can already tell an increase in quality.

Unfortunately, Justin is so terrible that he has destroyed all that is good and cool and not shitty about Florida. Allow me now to malign the state in as many ways as I can over my lunch break.



Florida was founded by Spaniards. They hated it so much that they practically gave it to the US. It's our 27th state, which is just another way of saying below 50th percentile. There's a lot of people who live there, but they're all at least 60 and edging ever closer to death. The population of Florida is expected to collapse after 2015, when the final retirees die out. All that will remain is cockroaches, hillbillies, and the frozen head of Walt Disney.

A lot of people say you should go to Florida because they have beaches. Well I suppose if you like getting shot at by a bunch of white trash or snowbird guidos from Jersey (like Justin) then you should go to Florida and enjoy the beaches. I am pretty sure that the bulletproof vest is going to ruin your tan though.

Miami is awful. It is about the size of a postage stamp with no public transit but tons of 4-lane roads. Awesome city planning, dudes and dudettes.

The following people are from Florida:

Don Johnson
Eva Mendes
Ricky Martin
Janet Reno
Jose Canseco [for you gay people out there, he plays sports, and he is not hot. stop asking]
Dave Barry
Brett Ratner, director of those wretched Rush Hour films
Blake Ross, co-founder of Firefox [that is a web browser that is not Safari, again for all you homos]
Gallagher
Hulk Hogan
and both Nick and Aaron Carter

If this is not a list that will keep you from Florida, then move there already. Clearly you love mediocrity, and Justin.

PS. Kyan from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy is from there and I will be dispatching helicopters within the hour to retrieve his parents and family. Bombing commences shortly thereafter.



Effin' hot.