Monday, April 27, 2009

Pig Fuckers!

Hey Jason! Welcome aboard. Loved your first post about being a spotlight lover, I guess that admission, as well as wanting to be a Disney animator, and getting our humble beginnings on LiveJournal are just forty more things that we have in common.

But guess what? Something has been recently stealing the spotlight from us. And it's a pig. Or, at least, a disease issuing forth FROM a pig.

Okay, so can someone please tell me when Swine Flu became all the rage? I only just heard about it for the first time yesterday, from my MOTHER. We were stuffing ourselves with manicotti and meatballs at what my family lovingly referred to as "Easter III" because my Aunt has thrown two consecutive parties surrounding Easter with better food than we usually get at Easter.

My mom got worried, tried to explain that pigs were getting people sick, all while cautioning me to carry hand sanitizer, to wash my hands at every opportunity, to chop off my hands if I couldn't find a sink, but not before I chopped off my brother's hands first (she can't trust him with sharp blades) and to not lick my hands after riding the subway (silly Mom! I cut out the middle man and simply LICK THE SUBWAY!)

Anyway, it was odd that MY MOM was telling ME about a deadly flu. Usually the flow of information goes like this:

Me > My Mom > The Korean ladies who do my Mom's nails >
The People who Make Pocky and Cuttlefish Chips

How did I miss out on a possible epidemic/pandemic? It's not like I'm detached from the world! I knew Bea Arthur was dead mere minutes after she kicked the bucket! (Did the SWINES get her!?) I know about the possible Verizon/Apple deal. Between my Twitter, Facebook, and Google Reader, I have so much NEW information that I'm beginning to forget old information, like my name and the Da Vinci Code (the actual code, not the bad book/movie... that's burned into my skull forever.)

But no, no mention of Swine Flu until my Mom was on the verge of all-out panic and hard tears over ricotta cheese cake and fresh pineapple ("how do we know if a pig touched the pineapple!?")

It's not that I'm upset my Mom scooped me. She lords over her domain - which is a domain of paralyzing fear that everything in this world (imagined and real) is conspiring against her to take my brother and I away from her before she can die first and have us deliver tear-filled eulogies over her open casket.

Regardless, now Swine Flu is suddenly all the rage. Just this morning I noticed people wearing masks on the street. Others are asking if they should stay away from bacon, sausage, and bareback sex with pigs.

Apple is coming up with the iFlu - a strain of the flu that's three times more expensive and that everyone will try to steal from you on the subway. Microsoft, conversely has developed their own strain, which somehow makes you healthier (and is completely incompatible with Avian Flu 2007).

But guess what I found out? This isn't the first time we've shat our knickers about Swine Flu! Check out these fantastic vintage Swine Flu fear ads. This was back when people could say cigarettes had vitamin C, and could outright threaten your very DEMISE on television.

I especially love the eerie music and horrifying visuals of everyone perishing from the Babe Virus in their beds...

First chickens, then pigs. Bovine flu next anyone? Nah... let's be adventurous! I want to be cautioned about "Otter Flu" or "Marmoset Flu" or even "Dodo Flu"... yeah, you make sense of THAT one!



  1. BEAR FLU!BTW, I loved this post, especially the iFlu.

  2. That would require that I touch a bear. And you know me better than that ;0)

  3. The funniest thing is that this flu has absolutely nothing to do with pigs/swine and is completely named incorrectly.

  4. HIlarious!

    and 'Bovine Flu' is much to close the Mad Cow Disease.

    I'd def go with otter or some such water mammal.

    Ooooo - Manatee Flu?