Open Wide and Eat My Meat!

Okay, I like cheeseburgers as much as the next guy, (assuming the next guy isn't a vegan, that is). But Burger King has just introduced a sandwich that puts the fear of a Meaty God in my very being.

Austin, I recall in one of the five THOUSAND weeks you posted here that we got into a conversation about our love of fast food. Well, I figured you'd be the first to try this thing out... and I wanna be a part of that experience.


And, because I like calling out suggestive advertising in blatant, awkward ways, I will say that Crispin Porter & Bogusky (BK's ad agency) is clearly telling men that the BK Super Seven Incher is essentially a big, fat, plump, beefy cock that their girlfriends will want to deep throat because their peckers are no doubt tiny, shriveled and possibly infertile.

"Fill your desire for something long, juicy, and flame-grilled... Yearn for more after you taste the mind-blowing burger that comes with a single beef patty, topped with American cheese, crispy onions and the A.1 Thick & Hearty Steak Sauce."

My commentary:

1. That must be ONE GAZILLION calories! Each one of them delicious, no doubt, but still...

2. That fat beef dick is so not fitting in the girl's mouth.

3. Is that a girl, or a blow-up doll? She looks dead or horrified. Clearly women cannot handle all of this manly Grade V meat.

4. The copy says single beef patty, but in the picture, it looks like there are two of them stacked up (unless the elongated beef is folded over itself).

5. I love crispy onions. Someone should tell chefs everywhere to employ them more in their cuisines.

6. I want a bite of this. Austin, perhaps when I return from LA you and I can split one with 8 of our friends, forcing us to only have to purge twice apiece to fit back into our Diesels.

7. They recommend a medium fries and soda. Come on Burger King, I realize you watched Super Size Me, but ain't nobody ordering the Giant Cock Whopper with a medium fry.

8. I'm really fucking hungry now. I'm gonna go get some lunch.

xoJR