Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Confessions of the Chaste

In my relatively few years as a gay, I've learned that we love labels. Perhaps it's our organized nature, but we just LOVE to categorize, and there's nothing we categorize more frequently or more universally than ourselves. You know it's true. There isn't a gay on this planet that doesn't know what a twink is.

But what is arguable the most important label in our little homomunity? Top and bottom, of course.
So what do you do when you can't categorize yourself?
I say that not because I feel some sense of transcendental superiority over labels. I love labels. I even have three levels of cute I assign to every guy I meet (dating cute, hookup cute, and, of course, drunk hookup cute.) Rather, I run into a technical issue.
I'm a virgin.
That's right: my cherry remains unpopped, my pecker has explored no man's dark abyss. It's not because I'm prude. Trust me, I am no prude. It's just that whoever takes my virginity will forever be known as "the guy that took my virginity" so I figure it'd be nice to have someone worth remembering.
But I digress.
The problem I have is not with my virginity itself. I have a problem with my label. Am I a top or a bottom? There was a time, when I was more *ahem* closeted, that I was sure I was a top. But the more I think about it these days, I can't seem to pin one down. I feel like I'm a versatile person, and thinking about both bottoming and topping are pleasing in their own respect.
Alas, I have literally no idea.
Now, I know it's not really that important until I actually start partaking in the dirty dirty. But it comes up in conversation, and I don't know how to respond. My height and athleticism would suggest top, but I've had many people - including my best friend's mother - say, "I think you're a bottom." I may very well be that polite, "I'll do whatever you want," top or bottom type. It would just be nice to know.
Everyone was a virgin once (with the possible exception of Brent Corrigan) so my question is this: if you are a top, or a bottom, or both, did you know before you lost your holy seal? How'd you figure it out? Or if you were wrong, what didn't you think about, or know?
I know I'll never actually know until I take the plunge, and that my knowing isn't terribly important, but humor me for a minute. I'm interested.


  1. I am also a virgin and have thought about this question. While I will admit, I am mostly a virgin, because a lack of cheery popping men (gay Men) where I live, at least that I know. I would probably have a similar reaction like you, willing to do what ever he wants, but I do know what turns me on in my fantasies and lets say...um...what I like doing with myself and that would leave me as 80% bottom, 20 top. I imagine we all know what our fantasy is before we lose our virginity, but don't know what we like until we have a wong in our butts for sure.

  2. I think this problem is compounded because it means different things in different situations. I remember the first time I heard the term "oral top", it took me a minute to figure out what that could mean - since vertical position was irrelevant, really. Sometimes I think our international brothers and sisters have things more correct to say "active" and "passive", but I digress.

    In my case, no, I didn't fully know. I was lucky that my first partner and I were young enough not to play with labels so much as each other, and we tried every configuration we could imagine until we settled into what I'll call "preferred activities".

    In my case, it truly varies by partner and situation at this point, to be honest.

  3. Ok, so this isn't relevent to the question but...I think the one thing that anyone can do to get themselves off to a bad start sexually is to assign too much importance to "my first time".

    Seriosuly, it will not be magical, it will NOT be the best you will have- odds are it will be awkward and maybe even a little "bad". You won't know this at the time, but as you become more experienced you will look back and laugh at how bad you were and (hopefully) how far you have come since then.

    So seriosuly, get over the whole virgin thing. It isn't special, and honestly it isn't a turn-on. When I hear that someone I am interested in is a virgin, my first thought is....UGH, am I really willing to do the charity work of bringing this guy up to speed? Most times the answer is yes, but only because I am a saint and I believe in giving back to my community.

    The one time a guy told me he was a virgin as we were making out (and I actually beleived him) I stopped everything and just told him, "you have placed way too much importance on this and I am not interested in trying to live up to the fantasy experience you have created."

    We are friends now, and he has since had a few partners (and we have had sex) and he confirms that his first time was nothing special or great and that it has gotten better with practice (and I can confirm that).


  4. it will NOT be the best you will have- odds are it will be awkward and maybe even a little "bad".

    Well, I wasn't gonna say it...

  5. Please guys. I'm not THAT naive. In no way or fashion do I expect my first time to be good. In fact, I expect it to be bad.
    I simply want to be able to do is look back and say, "Yeah, it wasn't great, but I had a great connection with the person I did it with." I don't think caring about the person that you lose your virginity to is too much to ask. I'll have plenty of time to be slutty once I get it over with. ;-)

  6. You honestly have no one in your life right now you care enough about to qualify?

  7. I vote that you sleep with Justin this week so we can have a side-by-side comparison of the experience. :-P

  8. thespos once again brings the genius. well done.

  9. "I vote that you sleep with Justin this week so we can have a side-by-side comparison of the experience. :-P"

    I agree. I'm sure Justin will make it memorable. I'm still waiting for the day he takes my virginity.

  10. Lukas-

    When I lost my virginity it was with someone I met off of craigslist. I had been talking to him for a few weeks via email and text before I actually took the plunge. He was/ is a few years older than me. It was the strangest experience because when I met his roommate, I was seen for the first time as this new label of being gay (I hadn't come out yet). When I had sex for the first time, the guy I was with asked me what I was and I said I didn't know. He bottomed for me and that was a whole new experience in and of itself. Two days later I went back and I bottomed for him. It hurt like hell, but after I was relaxed it was semi enjoyable. I then topped him again. The next week I moved to New York.

    When I arrived in New York, everyone assumed I was a bottom because of my body type, and while I hated other people making that decision of what I was allowed to do in bed, I was an 18 year old kid who was horny as fuck. I only topped when (again, on craigslist) I found people to bottom for me.

    Since then, I have moved away from craigslist, And whenever I meet someone new I still get the same old assumption that I am a bottom by default. I have full on not had sex with people because they cast me in this label that I don't ALWAYS fit. Yes, I bottom and I enjoy it, but I also top and enjoy it. So, to the people who claim there is no such thing as being vers, you really need to get over your own insecurities about taking the passive or "female" role in the bedroom.

    Find someone who will allow you do experiment, who will allow you to top and bottom. Please don't become one of those gays who says "I only top" or "I only bottom" because those people are just selfish. If they aren't concerned with making sure you are having as good a time as them, then they aren't worth your time.

    I am not saying that my experiences are the best, but that is my first time.