Wednesday, August 19, 2009

What, exactly, makes a Gay Wine?

Okay, we've all heard of Pink Profits, right? It's the (smart, correct) discovery that gay men buy lots and lots and lots of shit. We speak with our wallets. We spend and spend and spend. I think this is (usually) a great thing for America to have noticed - what it means is that there will be more products and services designed with we gays in mind.

But it has also given rise to an idiotic sub-consumer culture: the not-really-gay products. Take for example, this wine company called UO! I read about them this week in Springwise. When I first heard of a "wine for gay men" my ears perked up. Not because I'm gay and want to drink gay wine; but because I was curious to see what, exactly, made this a wine for gay men.

Turns out that this wine is made from extremely fruity grapes, and the ingredients help our penises grow and increase our 6-packs by at least 50%.

Actually, I'm kidding.

No, my gay brethren. This is hardly an enlightened wine. Actually, what makes it gay is that the owners of the company pasted a bunch of pictures of an ass-naked guy on the label. And then they wrote all of their descriptions to have to do with orgies and gay sex.

Take, for instance:

UO! Ánima Blanca, for example, is a Sauvignon Blanc and Verdejo blend featuring earth tones and "wisps of flowers and fruit – the perfect accompaniment to a gathering of friends on a hot day, whether the heat comes from within or without." AKA: when you're with five of your friends, and a good group cornholing in the rambles is desired... go for the Blanc.

Antinoo, meanwhile, is a Monastrell that's "young and mature, fruity, elegant, smooth….Mediterranean.... When you try it, shut your eyes and imagine that you are licking rivulets of syrup from his body." Who is he? Maybe one of the guys you triple fucked while in the rambles.

Listen, I'm as sex-minded as any other gay. Or any other guy, for that matter. But I find it moronic (and maybe a bit offensive) that a company thinks they can get my wine money because there's a guy with a bubble butt holding up the cork. Until that wine contributes 15% of their profits to fighting Prop 8, I'll stick with my box of Franzia.



  1. "whether the heat comes from within or without"

    Hm. I want to bitch slap the copywriter.

  2. goddamn, that was like reading the summary of a porn I don't want to watch.
    Also, I love you for this.