Straight porn makes you gay!

Leave it to the crazy, kooky conservatives to shoot their dicks and feet off at the same time to further cement their place in our memory as a group of out-of-touch-with-reality buffoons.

I won't say much, since my Lesbian Lover, Rachel Maddow, does a plenty good job of it herself, but let me break it down for you all quick-like.

An uber conservative, a few days ago, claimed that STRAIGHT PORN MAKES YOU GAY. Yeah. So all of you breeders out there watching Debbie Does Dallas better invest in poppers, because we advanced gays (who turned quicker than you for some inexplicable reason) are coming after your sexy asses.

Straight porn makes you gay? Really? I mean, this isn't a misquote, or an artfully edited quote with ellipses and shit like that. Mr. White Bread McJesusLoverson in this video literally says that ALL PORN IS HOMOSEXUAL PORN. Even the one where penises are entering vaginas.

Now, before we jump off the deep end and call this guy insane and worthy of immediate house arrest, let's think about it. Isn't it true that everyone who watches straight porn becomes gay? I... no. Wait. No. That doesn't happen.

I mean, how do you even respond to something like this? What can you say to that? You'd probably have to resort to a similar tactic if someone came up to you and said "Rain makes people turn into packages of Oscar Mayer bologna."

Just blink, blink some more, and then throw yourself off a pier. Because not only did this man say this malarkey, he's also been quoted in theses and is thought of as a thought leader.

Good lord.