She should do standup.

Ok, So while Justin strolls down memory lane with the Hump Day Sex Poll,
I'm going to make my second post today here something of a quickie as I am still throwing together some last minute things involving my first art show tonight. More on that later.

My friend Jesse posted this video on facebook today and I couldn't resist sharing. Who the fuck knew Julia Roberts was so funny?

Watch more AOL News videos on AOL Video

I love her pottymouth!

So tonight is my first art show, and while I've sold work before on commission, this will be my first chance to sell paintings, including some very personal work. I do hope that even in this troubled economy, some rich daddy will want to buy my paintings. I'm ready to part with some of my favorite work in order to clear the way and motivate myself to create even better work to fill the space they would leave. Also.... if I sell just ONE painting tonight, I'm off to Europe. Hasta Luego, America!
(Tuition? What tuition?)

So here are the pieces that I will be showing tonight:


Awakening... oil on canvas, 30x40 (2006)


The Princes Tryptich.... 3 acrylic on wood panels (total size 36x24)
(since this photo, it's been updated slightly for the show. this was 2005)


Portrait with Squid... Oil on Canvas, 23x30 (2008)

and


Urban Orgy... Acrylic on Wood 14x18 (2008)

SO wish me luck!

Hump Day Sex Poll!

Jason, we both met on LiveJournal and, well, working with you this week has gotten me very, very nostalgic. Now with your last post about porno and Manhunt, I can't avoid but think back to a weekly post that propeled me into quasi- LiveJournal fame (or infamy).

Maybe you remember it?

I called it the HUMP DAY SEX POLL. And it was just what it sounds like. Every Wednesday I put up a question and people submitted their answers. Being it LiveJournal, there were plenty of vocal people who browbeat me for my questions or my answers. But whatever, I lived through it.

So I'm going to give it a try here (and yes, I know it's only Tuesday... deal with it!). Let's see if Blogger can muster up some interaction the likes of LiveJournal (skeptical!)

Readers - weigh in in the comment sections to the following question:

If you found out a guy you've been talking to/ hooking up with has done porn - how would you react?

I'm keeping it open ended because I don't think a set number of answers will do the trick.

So comment, won't you?!

xoJR

A Cock Pic Is Forever!

What a funny coincidence that Justin just posted about Guys with iPhones! I stumbled across the site late last night when someone in the forums over at Connexion posted a thread about it. I have to admit I was expecting hotter guys though, the website ought to be a tad bit more picky, in my opinion. I showed the thing (not mine, the website) to one of my girlfriends and her response was “Ewww haaair.” She’s such a gay man.

This (along with the VGL MASC UB2 stuff I mentioned yesterday….. and reasons of personal integrity…) is why I no longer frequent skeezy “dating” sites. Stupidity. Why is it that these men don’t seem to realize that a cock pic is forever? That, thanks to the internet, it will never go away. YEARS from now, your wife or husband or person who holds your child ransom may come across this bit of gold from your past, and they will certainly not thank you for it. Actually, the person who holds your child ransom might thank you for it.

Which brings up the subject of porn. Any excuse, really. I can’t even tell you how many guys I’ve recognized from the bar whilst having a wank. I sort of stop for a bit, thinking “don’t these guys get it?” It’s cash at the price of your social standing. Actually that depends on who you ask. There are two camps- one which says you’re trashy for having done porn, and the other that salutes you.

I remember that one of my friends a few years ago was online, hunting for some porn, and much to his dismay he came across a familiar face- not some guy from the bar but someone who we were both well acquainted with. He was the poster boy for “Twinks for Cash.” Now…. If you’re going to bestow the image of your ass getting pounded forever to the world in cyberspace, why not get paid a little more money for it and do it for a reputable company? (reputable is an interesting word here, I know).

The poor guy was mortified when our friend asked him about his past with the penis posse. He had no idea that his face was still plastered on the front page, it was just something he’d done years ago to make a little extra cash after he moved to L.A. but that’s the thing about porn.

Honestly, don’t get me wrong here. I actually commend porn models for the simple reason that it’s a dirty job but someone’s gotta do it. Without them, we’d just be left to our imaginations and how terrible would that be??

Texter/Pixers Beware!

Over the past week, I have been directed by many friends to two fantastic new web sites. Thoroughly enjoyable on two different levels, one tickles your funny bone while the other helps you better tickle... your other bone. But what these sites have also done is set up a state of fear that is far worse than any Swine Flu strain.

What you send from your phone is far more public than you would think... so be sure not to text or pix message anyone who could be a huge d-bag.

The first site is called Texts from Last Night and it is a very good reason why you should flush your cell phone down a toilet the second you get drunk at night. Because anything you text can and WILL be used against you.

This blog is what happens when Twitter and Overheard in NY get drunk and hook up together - people send text messages to be broadcast live to millions of bored 9-5ers like me.

What's funny is that I expected a lot of misspelled mumbo jumbo (read, like the drunken texts I send). What I've actually found is absolute poetic brilliance, the kind that only Captain Morgan can coax out of you. In fact, smart creative writing teachers will direct their students to this site for prompts. I feel like each of these texts is a novel waiting to happen (or at LEAST a short story)

Here are some representative samples of brilliance (please note, the number is the area code of the texter so two different numbers are an exchange):

(760): can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
(760): oh geez, wrong person.

(817): She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
(1-817): OMG. What did u say?
(817): I told her I did too.

(818): Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.

(212): dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
(1-212): idk but i think it had a face

(546): Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.

(248): is swine flu sexually transmitted?
(313): Ha no, why?
(248): sriously ive never had a hangover this bad

Needless to say, I am still waiting for when one of my legendary texts appear there. Knowing the things that I send out, it isn't a far stretch that I might ALREADY be up there.

But at least there is anonymity (most of the time) on this site. On the next site there is NO anonymity whatsoever.

This second NOT SAFE FOR WORK site is one that I will never end up on. Why? Because I don't have an iPhone (and that's the ONLY reason).

Guys with iPhones is, again, just what you would think it is. It's a site full of photos of guys holding their iPhones. Unfortunately for them, most of them are practically, or entirely naked.

Yep. This is why your mother always told you to look both ways before crossing the street, and to photoshop your face out of your full body nudes. If you don't, and your iPhone is in full view, that random you're sending cock n butt pix to could very well share your glory with the rest of the Internet. And before you ask if these people are submitting their OWN photos, I will answer you: possibly sometimes. All I know is that a blog buddy of mine found himself there, and he didn't submit the pix...

And so I'm torn. Do I condemn Texts from Last Night and Guys with iPhones? Or do I herald them? I mean, I get SUCH a kick out of the texts by day... and a LOT of use of the pix by night. But on the other hand, the art of privacy is all but obliterated. Nothing we text or pix is safe. We can't even just get drunk off our ass and send regrettable images and messages.

How do you feel about this? Yay or Nay? Good or bad? Weigh in!

Things Men Are

Hey Everyone,

I hope you all have had a good Monday, and that no one’s dying of bacon-induced fever. Justin talked to us about Swine Flu, our nation’s latest fit of paranoia. Let’s hope it goes the way of Bird Flu and West Nile and Anthrax: limited to a scattering of cases here and there but pretty much over-hyped.

Speaking of pigs, though. Let’s talk about men. In his last post… er… shameless plug for his cute friend’s one-man show, Justin discussed… his friend’s one man show. BUT the show is apparently about being a tiny top. Not down there. Down there he probably looks like King Dong. He’s tiny in the vertical way.

Actually, I have a thing about short guys. I’m not that tall myself, but there’s something about a guy my size or slightly shorter that really does it for me. The sad thing about most short guys though is that you can’t tell them they’re cute or they’ll have a conniption fit. They’re sick of being called cute, they’ve been called adorable and sweet and cute all their lives and they just want to be fucking HOT god dammit. Well you’re cute. Deal with it and shut up and kiss me.



I have another thing about the term VGL. For anyone out there who doesn’t troll around manhunt and the like and is scratching her head in confusion, that means Very Good Looking. Most of the time these people are actually just VBLs. Very Bad Liars. I don’t know about the rest of you, but In my opinion, a nice body does not a hot guy make. That’s a mere third of the equation (half of the equation if we’re just talking sex -You can guess that the other thirds are facial attractiveness and personality, and which one becomes moot for hookup candidates).

I find the level of skeez that is implied in the many abbreviations of a gay profile to be rather off-putting. Like so: “ 25y.o. VGL masc top 10.5x7c. DD free, hot, UB2.” Scuse me while I grab my trashcan and retch. It’s bad enough that you’re having anonymous sex, at least use some real English phrases in there and maybe a ruler.

I do wish I lived in NYC so that I could go see the show, though. Especially since there’s to be a (maybe cute?) deaf boy in attendance with a definitely cute interpreter. I myself am hearing impaired, though I don’t know sign language, I always feel a sort of affinity with the deaf because of my own hearing loss, but at the same time I feel a bit left out since I don’t know what they’re saying with those pretty hands.

Probably the most amazing thing I have ever seen was at karaoke (here we go again) one night, this guy gets up on stage, and he asks the drag queen hostess if she’s got a mic stand. I’m thinking, “Now there’s a diva.” Actually, he needed the mic stand so that he could “sing” the song in ASL. He was deaf. So, Belle Aire, that was the drag hostess, she became his mic stand, and led the entire bar in song. Just proof that you can do anything you damn want, you just need to figure out how.

Stealing the TOPlight

You know what? I'm not done talking about spotlight stealing yet, Jason. No - I'm just getting started. Did you know that we're not the only two gay men on this continent who enjoy the limelight? (Yeah, I knew it too... but just bear with me while I get this intro done, mmmkay?)

My blog buddy (and future Plus One, when he's done with this show!) Lucas Brooks of Top 2 Bottom blog is an actor/student and a vertically challenged top who's finally taking to the stage THIS WEEKEND to rant and air his aggressions in his one-man show, VGL 5'4" Top.

Wait, a gay top blogger who rants? Are we sure this isn't ME in the show?

Yes. Yes we are.

Because I am lucky enough to be a tall top. (Why recent "meet-ups" have thought me to be a bottom are beyond me... (even though my friend and Plus One Alum David of Manchattan's impression of me saying "Oohhhh I only drink vodka with JUICE IN IT!" may be a clue that I refuse to accept.))


Anyway.

You're going to want to go see this show. I mean, even the premise sounds interesting plus fun:

Sick and tired of short jokes and snobbery amongst the gay population, Lucas Brooks, a sexually frustrated and vertically challenged young actor is ready to fight back. Armed with only a laptop and a quick wit, our gallant hero addresses the loaded topic of sex and how it divides us, rather than unites us, in a time of need.

The plight of a short top? Imagine it! Every guy you see assumes bottom. You're a pitcher heading to the pen, only to have them throw that stupid mask and glove at you. Imagine being pigeonholed just because you're short enough to fit through a pigeonhole (what the fuck IS a pigeonhole, anyway? Is it tight at least? No? Damn.)

Oh, and Lucas is doing the show in his UNDERWEAR. (ka-chingggggg!)

Well folks, the show is this coming weekend May 1, 2009 through May 3, 2009 (with a reception at 7PM and performance at 8PM.) Tickets will net you less than a single well drink with tip (10 clams). AND none other than YOURS TRULY will be there, so come say hi!.

But wait, if my super sexy presence isn't enough to sell you the ticket, allow me to break this bit of news:

A deaf person is coming one night.

Now, if you love deaf people, this may have already sold you on the theatrical experience. If not, let me tell you WHY this is awesome: on the night that the deaf guy is there, there will have to be a translator.

And that translator is none other than CAPTAINL0VER OF YOUTUBE! You know him, the hot, usually shirtless guy who does sign language music videos to Britney Spears.


I posted about him here and here .

Of course CaptainL0ver is the cherry on TOP (ooooh unavoidable pun - damn you, English language!) of an already gay sundae (one with rainbows and unicorn eye sprinkles).

You're going to want to buy a ticket here.

Join me this weekend as we revel in Lucas' trials and tribulations, and try to get the numbers of other hot gays in the audience.

Hey, Lucas! What do you say about having stickers outside the door that say "Top" "Bottom" and "Verse" so we can pair off without fear of the Zero Hour revelation of two tops or bottoms, resulting in the night ending in a game of Parcheesi?

Hey, just an idea.

See you guys at VGL 5'4" Top!

And, if you just can't get enough of the show, check out Lucas' two-part interview "Inside a VGL 5'4" Top" (LOVE the title hahaha... every OTHER tops dream, right?)

xoJR

Pig Fuckers!

Hey Jason! Welcome aboard. Loved your first post about being a spotlight lover, I guess that admission, as well as wanting to be a Disney animator, and getting our humble beginnings on LiveJournal are just forty more things that we have in common.

But guess what? Something has been recently stealing the spotlight from us. And it's a pig. Or, at least, a disease issuing forth FROM a pig.

Okay, so can someone please tell me when Swine Flu became all the rage? I only just heard about it for the first time yesterday, from my MOTHER. We were stuffing ourselves with manicotti and meatballs at what my family lovingly referred to as "Easter III" because my Aunt has thrown two consecutive parties surrounding Easter with better food than we usually get at Easter.

My mom got worried, tried to explain that pigs were getting people sick, all while cautioning me to carry hand sanitizer, to wash my hands at every opportunity, to chop off my hands if I couldn't find a sink, but not before I chopped off my brother's hands first (she can't trust him with sharp blades) and to not lick my hands after riding the subway (silly Mom! I cut out the middle man and simply LICK THE SUBWAY!)

Anyway, it was odd that MY MOM was telling ME about a deadly flu. Usually the flow of information goes like this:

Me > My Mom > The Korean ladies who do my Mom's nails >
The People who Make Pocky and Cuttlefish Chips

How did I miss out on a possible epidemic/pandemic? It's not like I'm detached from the world! I knew Bea Arthur was dead mere minutes after she kicked the bucket! (Did the SWINES get her!?) I know about the possible Verizon/Apple deal. Between my Twitter, Facebook, and Google Reader, I have so much NEW information that I'm beginning to forget old information, like my name and the Da Vinci Code (the actual code, not the bad book/movie... that's burned into my skull forever.)

But no, no mention of Swine Flu until my Mom was on the verge of all-out panic and hard tears over ricotta cheese cake and fresh pineapple ("how do we know if a pig touched the pineapple!?")

It's not that I'm upset my Mom scooped me. She lords over her domain - which is a domain of paralyzing fear that everything in this world (imagined and real) is conspiring against her to take my brother and I away from her before she can die first and have us deliver tear-filled eulogies over her open casket.

Regardless, now Swine Flu is suddenly all the rage. Just this morning I noticed people wearing masks on the street. Others are asking if they should stay away from bacon, sausage, and bareback sex with pigs.


Apple is coming up with the iFlu - a strain of the flu that's three times more expensive and that everyone will try to steal from you on the subway. Microsoft, conversely has developed their own strain, which somehow makes you healthier (and is completely incompatible with Avian Flu 2007).

But guess what I found out? This isn't the first time we've shat our knickers about Swine Flu! Check out these fantastic vintage Swine Flu fear ads. This was back when people could say cigarettes had vitamin C, and could outright threaten your very DEMISE on television.

I especially love the eerie music and horrifying visuals of everyone perishing from the Babe Virus in their beds...



First chickens, then pigs. Bovine flu next anyone? Nah... let's be adventurous! I want to be cautioned about "Otter Flu" or "Marmoset Flu" or even "Dodo Flu"... yeah, you make sense of THAT one!

xoJR

Spotlight Love

Hi everyone,

I’m Jason, and I’ve known Justin for about five or six years now via his former blog-home, livejournal. He seems to be under the impression that I’m thoughtful and witty enough to be contributing to this new venture… but we’ve never actually met, so who knows, really.

I took a facebook test recently, and sometimes the way in which these things cut right through the b.s., down to my very soul are alarming. The test was “In your group of friends, what kind of friend are you?” or some such. I was not, as I had imagined myself to be “the parent of the group,” or “the mature one,” but in fact…. I’m the attention whore. “the performer.”

Slightly cloudy memories of singing (howling) “Out Tonight” at karaoke (or my other hit, “Summer of ’69”) seem to confirm this notion. Going further back, I remember inviting (forcing) my two girlfriends in fourth grade to come over and rehearse (for whom we were rehearsing was never quite clear) the Time Warp dance from Rocky Horror. I had gotten ahold of my mother’s vinyl record of the show after becoming obsessed with the dance at my surrogate big sis’ bat mitzvah party. 

Locked even farther away in the caverns of my memory are the home videos. Those home videos. The ones of me in a leotard (a silver leotard) and mouse ears dancing to nothing less than a Christ bloody disco remix of “Memory” from Cats. Disco AND showtunes. It was seven minutes long, my mom used to work out to it in aerobics class in the 80’s. It was my favorite fucking song, next to the ten minute version of “I Will Survive.” Which I made my other surrogate big sis play in the car on the way to karate lessons. On repeat. Sometimes interrupted by “R-E-S-P-E-C-T.”

What is it about the gay gene that stirs up this penchant for theatrics in some of us queer kids? This spotlight loving, attention craving, “watch me, look at me!” feeling that leads gay boys from all across the Midwest to my hometown of L.A. in search of superstardom? It’s responsible for half of our waitstaff at the cheesecake factory, for populating the backgrounds of T.V. and the big screen, for all shades of mediocrity… and for Chris Crocker.

Last summer I was sitting in the semi-darkness of a local mall movie theatre with my aunt, my mother, and my grandmother (the same group who took me to see The First Wives’ Club as a small gay child). We were waiting for the travesty that was the Sex and the City movie to begin. My aunt turns to me, I think some big huge washed out L.A. headshot of a richer-than-most nobody popped up on the screen and so she said “You should be an actor!” I snorted and said yes, that’s just what this city needs, another gay waiter.

No, as much as I clearly adore the stage, I have no illusions that it will return the affection. Luckily, I was born holding a crayon. I don’t have a memory far enough back during which making art was not a part of my life. At my kindergarten graduation when they asked me “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I told the roomful of parents that I was going to be an animator for Disney. Three years later my brother said the same thing and my parents had to shush me when I exclaimed “HE COPIED ME!”

So now I’m a supersenior at ArtCenter College of Design in Pasadena. Supersenior actually doesn’t mean I’m super. It means I’m taking longer than usual to get the hell out into the real world. But it’ll happen, God willing, within the year, and I’m determined to make good on my promise as a little gay kindergarten graduate to work for the mouse.

SO that’s me, basically. I hope you enjoy my company this week!

MUAH!

Meet Jason Shorr!

Aaaaand we're back! Welcome my Plus One lovers, I hope you all had a lovely weekend. The sun hit NYC hard, as did Plus One Alum Becky Bain, who's visiting from LA.

A big thank you to last week's Plus One, Shawn Hollenbach, who filled in at a moment's notice and brought us laughs and opinions with the best of my Plus One Alums.

Oh, did you miss any of last week's fun? Be sure to check out my NEW weekend post, This Just In, a run-down of the full week's posts, to see what you missed.

This week on the blog we fly to where Becky flew in from to find our next Plus One. Jason Shorr and I have been friends for years and years, yet we've never had the chance to meet. I plan to change this when I visit the Left Coast this coming July.

How is this possible?

We met in a magical place, one that I would say is slowly dying a dreadful death (though he might disagree). No it's not Manhunt or DudesNudes (and I don't think you'd find him there, even if you tried!) That place is better known as Livejournal.

After years of blogging and commenting on one-another's posts, this week Jason and I finally get to team up and blog as one! Cross-coastally. I'm looking forward to it, and I hope he is too. Stick around won't you?

My Name:
Jason Shorr

My Location:
Los Angeles, CA

My Site/ Sites:
My online portfolio

What I might post about:
Thank god it’s spring break and I’ll be up to a lot of shenanigans. I have my first art show coming up on Tuesday, and I always have fresh ammo for dating stories. Any pop culture moment that should decide to happen during my week and I’ll be on top of that too!

What I love:
Art/design, good drinks, film, reading (currently a WWII novel written virtually as it was happening, by a Jew, no less.) music! I’ll also be going to the Rufus gig that Wednesday so that may make the blog as well. I love apple gizmos, the beach and the heat now that it’s summer… and karaoke. Lots of it.

What I hate:
Hate is a strong word…. But I highly dislike slow or confused drivers, flakey people, pretentiousness… wait, why do I live in LA again? I dislike the socially inept- poor manners, no tact. I do hate it when people are overly negative and down on themselves, and make no effort towards changing.

My Last Word:
So basically, I’m an art student following my childhood dream of working for the mouse. I have a wealth of dating anecdotes that never stop flowing in (so how wealthy am I, really?). I’m a true Sagittarian, it seems- a free spirit- but someday someone’s going to be talented with a lasso, and I won’t mind.

This Just In - April 20-24

Welcome back to another segment of recently renamed "This Just In" (special thanks to blog (and real life) buddy David - owner of Manchattan for the re-brand). For those of you new to this, This Just In will fill you in on everything you may have missed this past week on Justin Plus One. Here we go!

Monday

This week I welcomed on gorgeous gay Manhattanite comedian Shawn Hollenbach. Wasting no time (and immediately impressing me) Shawn launched an all-out rant on Facebook etiquette. I followed up - not with another rant - but with my official, fawning review of 9 to 5 the Broadway musical.

Shawn, picking up on my positivity, shared with us his favorite up-and-coming actress, Monica Potter.

Tuesday

And, because I can't be positive for too long, I began Tuesday with a post on the recent fast food fracases including the Domino's ass cheese and Taco Bell four-way. This week went down in infamy when Miss California told the world that gays shouldn't marry, so Shawn weighed in on the pageant contestant.

Inspired by Shawn's upcoming Miss Fag Hag pageant, I looked into the nicknames that gay men give their ladies.

Wednesday

On Wednesday I started off the blog with a treat - hot, naked, running men in a new Nike campaign. Shawn continued with the positive vibes by telling us why he loves gay men.

Because I can't be positive for too long, and it takes me at least a day to absorb anything, I finally weighed in on Miss California by proclaiming FUCK GAY MARRIAGE. Shawn, for fear of J+1 getting too heavy shared with us some gold lame and Europop.

Thursday

Live from the office, Shawn gave some strict rules on the proper fonts to be used in the workplace. Amazed by how violent designers can get, I posted on the much maligned font, Comic Sans.

Shawn and I then participated in a bit of eExhibitionism - first with Shawn showing us some of his hilarious comedy work, and then me with some of my recent indy YouTube projects.

Friday

On the final day of Justin Plus One, Shawn kicked off the festivities with a half-review of HBO's Grey Gardens. On a ranting hump, I then yelled at HBO for not making Grey Gardens a musical.

Turning things around, I shared a bit of cheer - namely the sexy and shirtless CaptainL0ver of YouTube with his latest sign language single, If U Seek Amy.

And then, through tears and sorrow, Shawn said his goodbye.

And there you have it, lovers. Another fun-tastic week on Justin Plus One comes to a close. See you bright and early tomorrow morning with our new Plus One!

xoJR

Jerry's Final Thought...

I've had the best week with Justin! I hope one day I'm an Internet celebrity one day like his last post...sigh! Who knows what the future holds but I've learned so much about fonts, documentaries, gay marriage PSAs, naked runners, fag hags and farts!

What ever happened to Jerry Springer by the way? Thanks be to Google, I found out that his show is still running AND it's going green! WHAT? What would they do to be more green? Use the toothless fat man's rage to run the lights for the studio? The paternity tests are printed on recycled paper? Wouldn't it just be a great green effort if they just cancelled the show? What's even worse is that Jerry Springer's IMDB page is down today (Friday Evening)!

Well ladies and gentleman, it's time for me to go! If you're not doing anything this Saturday check out Closet Cases! It's hot Closet Cases, we have Diana Yanez from Logo's Outlaugh on Wisecracks and Cyndi Lauper's True Color Tour. We also have a true veteran of the mic, Mike Singer from the here! Networks' Topical and Mr. Patrick from the BBC and the Aspen Comedy Festival. Last but certainly not least, back by popular demand, Dave Rubin, creator of Hot Gay Comics on the here! Networks will share his coming out adventures!

Also if you ever want to get a drink or laugh together! Look me up at http://www.shawnhollenbach.com/ or add me on Facebook! Justin and I will probably getting hammered sometime soon so I hope to see you out!

xoxoxo

Web Celebs: SIGN me up!

Almost one month ago TO THE DAY I introduced the lot of you to CaptainL0ver, a YouTube web celeb. And you loved him. How could you not? He looks like Freddy Prinze Jr. He knows fluent sign language, which he uses while dancing SHIRTLESS to Britney Spears.

Really, it's like God, prior to creating him, went through the checklist of things that would make us fall in love with him, and checked off every box.

Well, aren't we a lucky bunch? Because CaptainL0ver has released YET ANOTHER Britney Spears sign language video. And this time he's more shirtless than ever!

And it only helps matters that he's dancing to my Slutty Spring Anthem!

S-T-A-U-N-C-H!

Okay, I need to air out a grievance (you know, also known as a rant... which I rarely, if ever do!)

Plus One Shawn's fawning review of HBO's Grey Gardens makes me happy, but it also touches a nerve deep within me. I'm sure that the movie is fabulous, and I'm sure I'll be having a Grey Gardens party at my place. (Everyone will have to come in costume - I'm going to be Brooks and my friend Todd will be coming as "Clothes in a God-Damned Machine".)

But, dammit, I'm pissed! When I first heard that HBO was doing a Grey Gardens movie I probably thought what every self-respecting (aka, shameful) Broadway queen did - HBO was going to produce a movie musical!

I mean, the pieces were in place:

1. It was just long enough after Grey Gardens left Broadway, and the tour was well underway.

2. Movie musicals are SO hot right now.

3. They were showing the past, present, and future - much like the musical did.

Imagine my horror and sadness when I saw the trailer... no singing! Or, rather, SOME singing but, dammit, it wasn't a song I had ever heard before!

But no, I paced myself. This was not necessarily the final say. To hoodwink straight people into going to see a movie where everyone goes gay and sings high notes, movie studios have been known to HIDE the fact that the show is a musical. An excellent example would be the Sweeney Todd trailer, which cobbled together ALL 2 minutes of the movie where the cast didn't sing in order to scrape by with the footage they needed:



Masterful work! Literally EVERY spoken word in the movie was used for this trailer. I can only imagine the straight football team guys (ones with no gay friends to warn them!) who came to see a bloodbath only to be bitchslapped by Sondheim's dulcet tones and complex vocal arrangements.

So yes, I decided maybe HBO was NOT so stupid as to release a Grey Gardens that was not the musical. I had seen a story like this before - where a company released what should have been a musical as a non-musical... attend the tale of Les Miserables.



Released in the height of Les Miserables-Mania, this movie was ALSO not a musical. I mean, COME ON PEOPLE! You even MENTION the "musical seen by over 40 million people." Assholes. The second I heard that there would be no bawdy renditions of Master of the House, I protested by not going. I'm sure they felt my wrath.

But turns out that my worst fears were right. This Grey Gardens is indeed NOT a musical. Why!? Why not!? Why would you tease me (and so many others) in such a way? Sad state of affairs, HONEST.

Okay, I will still watch Grey Gardens (just as I did the documentary). BUT! I'll be pausing the movie at the right spots and putting the cast recording on so my friends and I can all jump to our feet and perform the PROPER version of "Revolutionary Costume". And I know you will too ;0)

A Grey Surprise!

After watching Justin's documentaries yesterday, I thought I'd check out the first half of Grey Gardens on HBO On Demand last night. Grey Gardens premiered on HBO on Saturday 4/18 at 8p/7c. 1.77 million people tuned in... I believe #1 in house hold numbers for pay cable and #2 for Adults 18-49 in pay cable with a 66% Female skew, 33% Gays.

For those gen Yers not in musical theater who aren't in-the-know... In the 1970s, documentary film makers, Albert and David Maysles put together a film about Edith & Edith Bouvier Beale. They were related to Jackie Bouvier Kennedy Onassis. Check out the trailer below to have you catch up if you're unawares...

OK - so the HBO movie connects the lines from the 30s to 70s and gives you an idea what has happened to these poor ladies. When I first heard Drew Barrymore was going to play Little Edie - I almost lost my lunch. This gal in "50 First Dates," "Charlie's Angels," and the awful "He's Just Not That Into You," is going to play one of the most beloved women that gay men love to imitate after a few drinks at a dinner party???

To my surprise, she's pretty great. She does embody Little Edie, but still makes it her own. Her accent is just a little off sometimes, but I'll forgive her for it because she's not a gay man at a dinner party after a few drinks. Drew actually made me feel better after wasting my afternoon watching "The Duplex." Now, I've only watched the first part and I'm hoping she delivers the rest of the film. Jessica Lange is pitch perfect as Big Edie. I sort of want her to be my crazy mom out in East Hampton or maybe just my friend.

If you don't have Home Box Office, befriend someone with it or come over to my house to watch it. My roommate got it just for this documentary actually! If you're on the fence, I've put the trailer below. Love it or hate it, they'll probably both get Emmy Nods.

Video Killed the Video Star

Plus One Shawn Hollenbach's last post of video goodness inspired me to do one of my own! As you may well know, I have a new love in my life. I call him Flippy. He is my FLIP Mino HD camcorder that I bought back in November.

It's the size of a box of gum, and weighs even less - yet films in High-Def for the web. And it has a cute little switch on the side that, like a swiss army knife, triggers a little jack that hooks right into your computer for rapid upload and editing.

Loves it.

I went on a great adventure (on par, if not beyond the one Pee-Wee experienced) which I don't have the time to recount here. Needless to say it involved trekking to 13 stores in NYC, dealing with Hasidic Jews, and chasing my camera around a Pee-Wee Herman's breakfast-machine-like contraption at the store where I finally found it.

Well worth the adventure, though! Since buying my FLIP I have run around this city making videos. Some so terrible I promptly deleted them, others I have put on YouTube for the viewing pleasure of thousands.

Currently I have almost an hour of footage from the Broadway Beauty Pageant that I must upload and edit to something far shorter and more captivating in time for my first ever post as the official Broadway Correspondent over at Homo-Neurotic.com.

Here are a few of my best and most recent works, in true HD quality (so be sure to blow them up full screen and hit that "HQ" button at the bottom right of the player!)


The Dreams Come True Parade at Disney World (highlights)


Part 1 of the SpectroMagic Parade at Disney World


Part 2 of the SpectroMagic Parade (I would never leave you hanging)


My own version of Cribs - showing off my Mom's new house in Florida (with a cameo by my Mom, Stepfather and brother, Jared Zirilli!)


New Years Eve Party highlights (complete with Single Ladies Dance Break)


12 Days of Christmas Party - complete with hot gay guys making out!

Getting to know me...

Well you know know how Justin and I feel about fonts. I'd like you to get to know the other side of me, the performance side. I definitely talk in Arial in bold italics. You be the judge.

This is a highlight from my first set on the here! Networks "Hot Gay Comics" I talk about Pennsylvania, my twin brother and year book pictures.

Here is a sample of the webshow I used to do called "Busted." This is from November of last year so the celeb jokes are stale. That week I got nautical while Daniel Nardicio brings you his Celebrity Gang Bang and QBoy presents the Busted 10.

This next video is a short called "Second Guessing Grandma." It was directed by Bob Giraldi featuring Tony nominee Kathleen Chalfont written by Eddie Sarfaty. It's a great film and was so much fun to take part!

I hope you enjoy!

See You In Helvetica, Fucker!

In his last post, Plus One Shawn Hollenbach came down hard and viciously on the font Comic Sans. Already entertaining, the post only gets better when you read the comments within. Designers are weighing in, on the post, on Facebook, to me on Instant Message.

And from all of this I take the following: I absolutely LOVE designers. They get so up in arms over fonts!

Like Plus One Alum Atherton Bartelby linking to the article written by the maligned font's creator.

Or my blog buddy Kareem linking to a recent WSJ article documenting the war on Comic Sans.

Or soon to be Plus One Dan Leveille threatening murder to someone who made a joke about liking Comic Sans on his Twitter.

I mean, fonts are so important that they even made a documentary on the history of one.

I often talk to anyone with a passion and tell them that I find their fight and desire inspirational. I wish there was something in my life, or this world, that I got up in arms about.

Sadly, if there is anything that has the power to incite me, it is certainly not fonts. All I know is that I love arial and verdana. I hate Times New Roman because, to me, it looks cheap. When I choose a font, I play around and pick whatever looks best to me.

As a writer, I never really thought of fonts. It was WHAT I was saying that mattered to me. It is only now, working in a design firm, that I've learned that a font can say as much -if not more- than the words it illustrates.

(Note: I shouldn't be depended on to choose a font - I usually go for gaudy ones that look like handwriting, or American Typewriter or something equally over-dramatic.)

But, in the midst of all of this Comic Sans-bashing, future Plus One, Chris Haigy sent me an interesting defense of the font:

Comic sans is often used inappropriately, but it's not the font's fault. "Banning" comic sans is stupid and people who call for it don't understand typography. It looks fine in small amounts for non-serious things, and it was many people's first experience with non-stuffy fonts.

It shouldn't be used on the web in most places or in papers, because it's not designed to be a professional style font. The default kerning is distressing to the eyes in large amounts, so it shouldn't be used for blocks of text. But it's actually very easy to read in one or two word strings (as in a comic book speech bubble). It's overuse is lazy, but no more so than the overuse of helvetica.

Is that a good argument? I don't know! I can't even pretend to have a right to discuss fonts. As far as I'm concerned, I don't care about the font so long as you exercise good grammar and syntax.

If a sign says "We has fresh lobster's!" I don't care if the Trebuchet they employed has a serif or not, or if the letting and kerning and thising and thating is appropriate. I'm too busy busting into the restaurant to throw a hardcover copy of Eats, Shoots, and Leaves and my laptop at the head of the owner.

But again, I love it! I love listening to designers discuss fonts. I love looking at the ten-ton notebooks in the back of my office filled with fonts I've never heard of before (they have awesome names like "Fucker" and "HemingwaysShotgun"... so cool!)

So please, keep raging on about fonts! I beg of you. It's so interesting because I have no clue what you're talking about, and I actually enjoy feeling stupid :)

xoJR

Fonts in the Workplace

Good morning everyone. I've been going through my morning emails and I think companies should create rules on fonts for your company email. A note from Human Resources:

Dear Employees,

Please refrain from using all fonts except Arial, Times New Roman, Verdana and Trebuchet. Any other font will insure your termination. If you have any questions please address your supervisor.

Don't forget about the blood drive, bake sale and company yoga!

Debra McMillian
Human Resources

If you have a large script font it makes you look like you have a drawer full of cat sweaters. Especially if you have a picture in your signature. I've put an example below and have changed her name to protect her and her family from embarrassment.

Monica Potter
Supervisor, Pencil Pushing
Copy Scheduling
631-555-8882


Doesn't it look like you need to come out as a latch hook fanatic? Please don't get me started on Comic Sans Font. It is the Hep C of fonts. I feel it has caused more nausea than taxi cabs in NYC, at least for me. My boyfriend and I had a romantic HIV test in a Chelsea clinic and all the signs were degraded by Comic Sans font. THANK GOD blogger doesn't support that horrid font so that you and I won't be subject to it's awfulness! If you ever see a restaurant with a comic sans menu....RUN! It means they have no creativity and their food will be bland. If you see a sign in a furniture store with it...FLEE! They will only give you lamps with the Tasmanian Devil on it. If you see a psychic with it...DASH! They will steal your soul!

Let's Lighten it Up!

All this gay marriage talk has gotten me in the mood for a little cheesy Europop! After so much controversy - don't you ever just want to see a bizarre guy from the across the pond dressed in flashy gold lame'?

First question to pose before you watch this:

1. Is this for real? Yes.

2. Does he this he's think he's the best thing since Michael Jackson? Yes.

3. Is it a hint playing George Michael in the open? Who knows.

4. Does he realize that it's Earth Day coming up with the aerosol? Hell no!

5. Enjoy!

After seeing this, do you want to push Miss California just like that girl in the middle of the video? I want to! I need someone from Project Runway to make me one like that in silver. I'm so a silver.

I hope that put out all of our fires and relaxed us a bit. I know it did for me!

Fuck Gay "Marriage"!

All of this recent hulabaloo over gay marriage, whether it be


The Gathering Storm



or the Gay Gathering Storm

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
The Colbert Coalition's Anti-Gay Marriage Ad
colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Gay Marriage Commercial

or the GAYthering storm

A Gaythering Storm from Jane Lynch

or stupid Miss California being a dumb blonde moronic bimbo (and soon to be Fox News Correspondent!)

Has really driven me half past insane, and on the crooked road right to crazy town. Seriously? Come on people! As a recession destroys America and most of the world, we're still going nuts about two same-gendered people getting hitched? In a country where you can be married by Elvis, or live with five wives, or order a bride direct from Kryzgstan this is an issue we must deal with?

Sure, Plus One Shawn Hollenbach may be ready to laud gays and give them their due. But not even a hundred hot boy butts can cheer me up right now.

No, I think we need to go on ahead and make a move here people. I think we need to get all of our brilliant, successful, rich lawyers and lawmakers that drink the rainbow Kool-Aid and come up with something better.

Super-Marriage let's call it (and then promptly hire some gay creatives to re-brand it).

If the straights don't want us to have their marriage - then fine! Fuck their marriage! It's like a jalopy. Breaks down half the time. Probably some hideous shade of aqua for body paint. And last time I checked, I don't know any gays that would willingly set foot in a set of wheels that horrendous.

So let's go folks! Look past and around marriage! Let's create a union BETTER than marriage. One with MORE benefits. I don't know what kind, but ones that everyone would like. Like a discount card at Saks. And a bag of chips at Las Vegas. And free first-class upgrades on Virgin America.

And then let's start getting together with our partners with this new Super-Marriage.

And then let's not let the straights have our marriage. No matter how much they beg. And then let's put out Gathering Storm commercials about how straights - who ruined marriage for everyone with their lying, cheating, and Elvis priests - are trying to grab up our exclusive buy one get one deal at Audi.

Right now we're in the midst of a violent, sweaty tug of war. And if color wars at Day Camp have taught me anything, it's that - if you're not going to win, you might as well let the rope go and watch the tan team (fuck you, tan team!) fall on their asses in the mud.

And then, as they wipe the muck from their ugly clothing, we hop in our better marriage car and joyride out to Fire Island Pines (where we're given 75% discount at the outdoor Aqua gym as another better-marriage benefit).

Why Gays Are Great

Justin's post put me in such a euphoric mood with all those behinds, but after reading tons of negative posts about gays in the Miss California videos, I cain't stands no mores! Why are gays the only group where it's OK to dog on us?

Example:
Stupid video. Miss California is right! Marriage should be between a man and a woman! GOT THAT DUMB GAYS?Digusting gays. You discriminate MIss California and I'm going to discriminate you too. Wanna marry same sex? Marry a male dog or a male monkey instead. Duh.
Eloquently written by nguoicongai21

Then gays turn on each other to prove something. "I'm not like those gays." "I'm gay and most gays annoy me." "That gay issss gross." Look - we're all in this together folks. Gays are diverse. We're girls and guys. We're feminine and masculine. We're rural and urban. We're different races. We all have one thing in common, a lot of the world hates us. So I'm putting my positive spin on why everyone should love us.

Gays will help families: By gay people not over-populating the earth like Elisabeth Hasselbeck, we are doing our best to keep from over-sizing the world's classrooms. Many gays are college educated and affluent, so by not having kids it's easier to get into Harvard.

Gays aren't going to hell: Way back in the bible days, birth and survival rates were pretty low. So reproduction was essential to help build the tribes and keeping that faith based on a tithing system going. There wasn't unemployment for church employees back then. Today we can make babies faster than you can comment on this blog post.

Gays aren't gross, they're great: C'mon admit it, you're jealous. Aren't we all just a little bi? I would totally make out with Monica Potter.

Flipping gender roles keeps it interesting!: Embrace fem gays and butch lesbians. "How weird! Guys like football and girls like dresses. I'm so confused, that means it disgusts me!" We are a gradient of the most masculine men to transgender. The world can't be made up of just football stars and pageant girls.

Gays love pets...but not love pets: I see so many couples with cute little dogs, it never crosses my mind that they would sodomise it. Comparing bestiality and gays are like comparing date rape and faking an orgasm. The only thing in common is sex...and that one person involved doesn't want to be there.

I LOVE ALL YOU LGBT and Straights!

And I Ran, I Ran So Far and Gay

Okay so it's hump day and most of us aren't feeling what we're doing. Be it our boring jobs, our boring classes, or that boring 30 minutes we have to wait for our assassination target to get off his plane in Wyoming. So I'm going to give you a treat: hot naked guys.

NIKE, in an effort to keep me hard and horny at work all day has released a YouTube campaign about a new type of running - FREE RUNNING or Natural Running.

In other words, running bare ass naked (and, of course, a pair of Nikes).

The camp where this training takes place is called Bear Butte (not that kind of bear, not that kind of butt.) Now, color me cynical but I don't know if I believe this is real or not! It has the makings of a ridiculous viral ad - so I'll go with that.

Bear Butte sounds like a heavenly place to go... minus the running part. Perhaps I'll write a letter to the owners and tell them that if they drop the running thing and just have all the naked people shacked up in cabins, they'd get a lot more visitors.

Now if only the video didn't discriminate against and exclude the foot fetishist population.


Bear Butte's philosophy is:

“At Bear Butte Running Camp, we take a less-is-more approach to training. We strip away the boundaries and comforts of modern society in order to embrace the inherent benefits of natural running, and use those benefits to become faster, stronger, better athletes.

Camp attendees will receive group and individual instruction in all facets of distance training and racing, with emphasis on gradually improving performance through motivation, hard work and natural motion.

To enhance personal and athletic growth, campers must be willing to shed, at least while at Bear Butte, urban conveniences not found in the great outdoors (i.e., cellphones, television, mp3 players, shorts).”

Still, not sure I believe it exists.

Anyway! Watch the clip. PS: If you have a shoe/foot fetish... half way through the 30 second video might just knock you out. Anyway, enjoy the videos - may they get you through hump day in one piece!

Oh, and do yourself a favor - blow the video up to full size and hit the "HQ-High Quality" button in the bottom right. You won't regret it one bit.

There's the short, 30-second one:


And a longer (ha!) 2.5 minute one:

A Hag by Any Other Name...

In his last post, Plus One Shawn gave a proper brow beating to Miss California, a girl who, from the looks of it, will soon be leading Teabagging parties with Joe the Plumber and Sean Hannity across our fair (and balanced) nation.

Seriously? You're from California? Do you live in a Mormon compound? Of all the states to be from with such a disgusting opinion (screams, punches things). Any way!

What I actually gleaned from Shawn's post is his upcoming Miss Fag Hag pageant. Sure to be an evening full of glitz, glamour, and gay men, I am very much looking forward to the event. But, it got me thinking more along the lines of nomenclature.

Fag Hag, it seems, is the de facto title used on the best female friends of gay men. But there are two others that I have also heard here in New York City... allow me to dissect.

1. Fag Hag

I've heard this one since I watched Trick on VHS in my tweenage years, secretly dreaming some day I would find a loving gogo boy to be my own. The ultimate fag hag, of course, is Tori Spelling... expressly because of her in this show. This is not a bad thing, considering how she's one of the few people who made it out of this movie with their careers in tact. (Though I DO recall seeing Christian Campbell in All My Children about 6 years ago...)

Fag Hag is a BAWDY term. It practically evokes the vision of a beer wench in my head. It is hardcore, no shit-taking, and brutal. It's for kick ass chicks.

2. Fruit Fly

Unlike the first title, I've only heard this one the past few years. It is a far more gentle title for your best girl. And it's a lot nicer of a title for you, as well, you little fruit. But, perhaps, it's too gentle. Plus, flies vomit every time they light on a surface, and I sure as hell would not have a friend who did that.

If I called one of my girlfriends a fruit fly, they'd probably glare at me. A fruit fly sounds like an older aunt who stuck around with you when your parents stopped talking to you when they found out you did drag. She takes you antiquing and blushes when you talk about taking "gentleman callers" home with you.

3. FLAME DAME:

God DAMN I love this one! Brand new (as far as I can tell) I only first heard this term a few months ago. It's so hot right now. It sizzles! Yowza hachi machi and all that! First off, I am a flame! That burns with passion baby. Watch where you put your hands, or have the aloe handy.

And as for the dame part? Well god damn that's a sexy/nostalgic term for your girl, isn't it? I see one of those pulpy black and white suspense movies, and the Flame Dame is the woman with the mosquito netting flowing out from a floppy/fashionable hat, smoking a long cigarette as she hires the gumshoe for a dangerous mission.

Also, I have referred to some of my ladies as Flame Dames. And guess what? They wear it like a Vera wedding gown. They adore it.

What about you Shawn? Your amazing pageant aside, which name do you prefer?

And hey! Justin Plus One readers! Are there any that I missed?

xoJR

Mawwiage is what bwings...

Controversy!

What a Tuesday so far! First flawed fast food, then flawed pageanteers! Let's talk about Miss California 2009. This weekend this Miss USA Pageant aired on NBC. Super-blogger, pistachio clad, judge Perez Hilton asked Miss California her opinion on gay marriage.

Her response started out as she loves that in America you have a choice for same-sex marriage and OPPOSITE marriage. Is opposite marriage like in bizarro-land? Bizarro Superman and Bizarro Wonder Woman get married? Have their reception first because it's opposite?

Then she hits us with a "In my country and in my family... marriage should be between a man and a woman." I wonder if her whole staff ran off or her make-up artist dipper her lipstick in a huge vat of herpes. I'm all about being honest with your opinions, but don't shit on the folks that basically support you. Remember when Donna Summer said she didn't support the gays? BOYCOTT! You don't have to lie Miss Cali-Plastique, Perez gave a great example of dancing around the issue on Larry King, "You say, you feel the state should decide." Perez, you're my Miss California.

Well, Mzz Cali, in my country and my family, I don't think that women that look like Candice Cayne should say that they're women, they're drag queens.

Also if you want to see real girls in a pageant click here!

Four-ways, Farts, and Fast Food

If you've been watching the news lately, you've probably seen a rash of stories about things going down at various fast food restaurants around America. It's almost as if that stale fry grease and the chemicals injected into the burger patties are taking a mental toll on employees and customers alike.

First there was the Domino's Debacle, where two employees filmed themselves rubbing Domino's sandwiches on their asses, farting on pizzas, and dropping their boogers into delivery orders. While the videos have sadly been taking down, you can read about the horror here:



Personally I was excited by the prospect of Domino's employees jamming boogers and snot into their food - it'd be the first non-scientifically-engineered ingredient the pizza chain has ever used. And, I'll bet that cheesy bread is going to a freshman dorm full of stoners, and they've probably put far worse things in their mouths.

Crazy? Sure! Two bored employees had a chance to single-handedly destroy a chain overnight - the power of YouTube!

But, not to be outdone, news has just recently broken about another fast food chain coming under fire (and other things). Just a few days ago, two children who were brought to Taco Bell by their extremely corpulent parents - who no doubt wish to help them gain weight so they can pass down their clothing - walked in on a foursome between two men and two women in the bathroom...



Can you imagine THAT craigslist ad? Or was this a totally random meetup? Just two girls and two dudes so horny from eating their chalupas that they had to abscond to the bathroom?

What I like, though is that the two gay people (the Domino's employees) were the ones farting on food. While the straight folks were the one quadrupling up in a filthy MEXICAN FAST FOOD RESTAURANT BATHROOM (ew). Talk about a role reversal!

So many questions are raised when one looks at morons.

Why put videos of you doing madly illegal things on YouTube?

Why not lock the bathroom door before you have your Taco Bell tangle?

Well, one thing is for sure: if it weren't for morons, we'd have no YouTube, and I'd have no blog post topics to pen. So I guess I'm grateful.