Wednesday, September 30, 2009
I don't even know how to address the last post. The things people put in their bodies, seriously...
I like to entertain. I haven't done it in a good long while, but I love to cook for people. I also like to cook a ton of food. Generally, after I throw a party, I live off my leftovers like rats stowed away on a cross-Atlantic ship for the better part of a month. Sometimes I turn my leftovers into a delicious soup, like turkey, mashed potatoes, and stuffing into the world's best fucking soup you have ever tasted. Sometimes I just stand in front of my fridge, naked and shivering, stuffing green bean casserole into my gullet. I have no shame.
What I don't get is why your fucking dietary restrictions should in any way be my problem.
Sure, I'm a good host. I like to accommodate people. I understand if you're lactose intolerant or allergic to something, just like I'd help you up my stairs if you were in a wheelchair or lead you from the subway if you were blind. But--maybe this comes off as a bit dickish--if you voluntarily do not eat food, find your own grub. Don't lie to me and say you're allergic to meat, like one vegetarian told me. I generally put together a huge spread, and surely you can cobble together a meal that's not doused in meat juices. It isn't like I'm inviting vegans to a steak party.
I don't care if you don't have a diet because you're overweight, underweight, religious, ethical, or picky. That officially falls under the categories of both Not My Problem and Rude If You Ask. Now, sometimes a vegetarian will call ahead just to ensure that I have a full menu, and that's fine. Of course their attendance hinges on what I've prepared. That's fine. But don't expect me to kosher up the kitchen or prepare a delicate oat flour loaf because you're opposed to the wheat industry. Ain't gonna happen.
What do you think? Is it the host's responsibility to make sure that all guests are taken care of--or is there a reasonable amount of leverage there?
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
I just got back from the gym and am feeling rather healthy, so forgive me for not posting about food (which might make me hungry). Instead, I will post something that might put all who read it off of food for at least the night.
What could that be, you ask? How about a butt bomb? No I'm not making a silly elementary school doody joke, I'm talking about an Improvised Explosive Device jammed into somebody's anus, straight up the rectum.
This is the kind of thing that you see, maybe, on one of these "blank Movie" movies. But turns out it's actually happened. A man shoved a bomb up his ass in hopes of making a successful assassination:
But the al-Asiri case ended very differently from the al-Awfi case. Unlike al-Awfi, al-Asiri was not a genuine repentant — he was a human Trojan horse. After al-Asiri entered a small room to speak with Prince Mohammed, he activated a small improvised explosive device (IED) he had been carrying inside his anal cavity. The resulting explosion ripped al-Asiri to shreds but only lightly injured the shocked prince — the target of al-Asiri’s unsuccessful assassination attempt.
While the assassination proved unsuccessful, AQAP had been able to shift the operational paradigm in a manner that allowed them to achieve tactical surprise. The surprise was complete and the Saudis did not see the attack coming — the operation could have succeeded had it been better executed.
The intended victim was a Saudi Prince. The actual victim was the unsuccessful assassin, who exploded from the inside out.
And I think - why? Why would you stuff a bomb up your butt? Why not just strap it to you? Or swallow it? And then I realize: for those terrorists who aren't quite sold on the "40 virgins in the afterlife" promise, perhaps this is their last dose of pleasure before they meet their maker.
Monday, September 28, 2009
I'm going to jump straight into it: I made a food blog. I call it Le Cordon Dude, a tip of the hat to the cooking school. It's a casual food blog for people who really have no clue what they're doing in the kitchen, which I estimate comprises 95% of people under the age of 75. And that's okay. I teach really simple shit like how not to overcook chicken and how to dice an onion. Or at least it's going up. I still have content to add to the site.
One article that's up now rips Tom Colicchio a new asshole. And rightfully so--did you know he said that Julia Child isn't even a chef? I wonder where he gets off saying that, considering he's never been to cooking school and she sort of graduated from the motherfucking GRAND MASTER of them all? Not a chef my ass.
That brings me to that abomination of a cooking show, Top Chef. I watch it, but it's to stay informed. I don't necessarily agree with their take on things, and here's some reasons why.
It's just another reality show. Yes, done to death. It's a bunch of people of a given profession cutting each other's throats to get a prize. They didn't even mix up the format of the show. It's certainly more colorful than the fucking formulaic Hell's Kitchen but it's still the same basic nuts and bolts of any other show. OH BUT THEY COOK SO IT'S SPECIAL.
Tom Colicchio is on it. Yeah, okay, dude won five James Beard awards. What makes him any more qualified to be on the show and be a judge? I guess maybe Hubert Keller wasn't available or maybe Michael Chiarello stopped returning their calls. Let me tell you right now--be suspicious of anyone on a reality show who's willing to be a full-time host. Sometimes, but not always, they hide there as a sort of edification for their own ego, especially when they get to put down and criticize people who they used to be like. Tyra Banks is a good example of that.
Padma Lakshmi clearly does not eat. Look, I'm a skinny dude, but damn. If only she ate like she pretends to in that Carl's Jr. commercial. Also, surely I am not the first to notice that she seems to oscillate between being a zombie and being a flat-out bitch.
It makes cooking look hard and intimidating. This is really the core of why I hate the show. Cooking is NOT hard, and it's not intimidating. Yeah, some of the stuff they do on the show is, but that's not the way you should be cooking at home anyway. If you're honestly trying to put dinner on the table after a long day at work and you insist on making a cod ceviche appetizer with a grilled Yucatan-style sea bass with potato foam, you're a fool. Cooking has shifted from being an everyday thing to something that people rarely do for themselves, but it's not hard. Shows like this pull stunts that further nudge the concept of cooking from your grasp, and I think that sucks.
So yes, suck it, Top Chef. Suck it like a Carl's Jr. Western burger.
PS. I love how they make Tom Colicchio look taller in that photo. Man's like 5'8".
Friday, September 25, 2009
But despite the similarities, there are always some differences.
Not so with our current President. Sure he may not be able to pass a public option health care plan, but he's gotten his smile down to an EXACT science...
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Meet Tracey. Tracey graduated from Barnard College in 2006. Since then, life's been a struggle. She was living at home in Philadelphia with her mother & Nana (who also happened to be her all-time hero), until Nana--that's the grandma--passed away. Now it's just her and her mother, and no job or money.
But Tracey has a mission. She's going to pull it all together, and it all hinges on one question, can she get rid of the stereotypical black woman inside of her? Here's how she explains it in her blog:
""i'm on a quest...to be Mammy No More! for most of my life, i have fulfilled that stereotype of a big black woman who is asexual and is a yes woman and gives and gives and gives without wanting anything in return. I see a mammy as a woman who is invulnerable, never showing any sign of weakness.
i don't want to be that person any more because it has made me absolutely miserable. my own personal philosophy is to LIVE OUT LOUD! and i think blogging is a great way to do it. i want to keep myself accountable by keeping a blog and hopefully, somebody out there will keep me accountable as well."
Yes we will, Tracey. And props to you for offering an account so genuine and candid. Good luck on your journey!
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
So about three years ago, I worked at a production company in the West Village. Every week, two Jersey sisters would come into our office, meet with us one-on-one, and proceed to haphazardly pry into our lives and go on about ways we could heal ourselves. Why exactly were they there? Apparently after some magical retreat weekend, our boss had decided to hire them as our office's personal life coaches. Bleh...
I, among others, bore the impression that this was complete bullshit [note: the fact that neither of the women actually had any sort of degree didn't help] It was all quite bizarre to me, but through it, I came to learn about the mysterious world of LANDMARK FORUM.
Since that time, I have discovered, in fact, that many of my friends also have had experiences with this possible pseudo-cult, pay-for-help service. And while some express great support for the program, having reached high in the ranks, others have condemned it as a stranger-than-fiction manipulation of peoples' emotional weaknesses. I've never participated in one of their weekend retreats, meaning I'm very happy to confront it all with an open and curious mind (although, my experience thus far does sway me in one direction)
regardless, I was glad to find that the French had made a rather controversial film on it all, Voyage to the Land of the New Guru. It was nearly silenced by the Landmark group, but somehow survived the legal battles and is free to watch online.
I bet if you asked around, you too would discover that many of the people you know have encountered this organization.
Check out this insider's final perspective!
Unfortunately for us, Kirk hasn't faded into the woodwork or committed suicide like so many other of our lost childhood celebrities. No, instead he's mainlining crazy juice and has aligned himself with the Christian movement, which is seeking to rule out evolution so we can raise our progeny to be fucktards with nothing standing in the way.
Kirk recently reappeared with this cute, demonic video where he talks about a free version of Darwin's Origin of the Species that will be given out to the top 50 universities. The catch is a 50 page forward that somehow connects Hitler to evolution, and then maybe finds commonalities between that and the anal rape of three-legged puppies.
My favorite part is that Kirk evokes the coolness of Zack Morris and A.C. Slater by sitting on a chair backwards, like the cool kid in school... back in the early 90s. Someone should tell him that God didn't create chairs to be used that way, and he might as well be taking a dump on an open bible.
The scariest part is that this video almost has 100,000 views on it already. That means that there are at least 100,000 fucking morons who understand how to use a web browser. Or 100,000 smart people who are having a great laugh at Kirk's expense.
If you want to read the 50-page intro, you can download the claptrap here.
But why should I continue to take potshots at Mr. Cameron when there's this sexy foreign vixen who does a MUCH better job? Listen to her. And marvel at her pretty, curly hair.
I won't say much, since my Lesbian Lover, Rachel Maddow, does a plenty good job of it herself, but let me break it down for you all quick-like.
An uber conservative, a few days ago, claimed that STRAIGHT PORN MAKES YOU GAY. Yeah. So all of you breeders out there watching Debbie Does Dallas better invest in poppers, because we advanced gays (who turned quicker than you for some inexplicable reason) are coming after your sexy asses.
Straight porn makes you gay? Really? I mean, this isn't a misquote, or an artfully edited quote with ellipses and shit like that. Mr. White Bread McJesusLoverson in this video literally says that ALL PORN IS HOMOSEXUAL PORN. Even the one where penises are entering vaginas.
Now, before we jump off the deep end and call this guy insane and worthy of immediate house arrest, let's think about it. Isn't it true that everyone who watches straight porn becomes gay? I... no. Wait. No. That doesn't happen.
I mean, how do you even respond to something like this? What can you say to that? You'd probably have to resort to a similar tactic if someone came up to you and said "Rain makes people turn into packages of Oscar Mayer bologna."
Just blink, blink some more, and then throw yourself off a pier. Because not only did this man say this malarkey, he's also been quoted in theses and is thought of as a thought leader.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
I always figured there are enough people in the world doing the things everybody else is already doing. It’s better that a few of us make new things and then think about them. Here’s one person who’s doing just that! Meet my friend, Nathan.
"Nathan Vincent is a talented artist and peacock (see photo below) who creates thought provoking art pieces, with an underlying sense of humor. To convey his artistic message, Nathan uses techniques usually identified as feminine, such as knitting, crocheting, sewing, and applique to create objects which are typically identified with men:
a tool belt, a deer head trophy, or even a urinal. (see photo)"
Martha Stewart’s lovin’ it:http://video.google.com/videosearch?hl=en&source=hp&q=nathan%20vincent%20crochet&um=1&ie=UTF-8&sa=N&tab=wv#