Katy Perry's Tits Catch Fire

When I saw Katy Perry perform live on Saturday Night Live, I was irreparably damaged. I am aware of the presence of auto-tuning in today's pop divas and divos, but I didn't realize that Katy was incapable of carrying even a semblance of a tune. Hearing her passion-less, high-note-free performance of California Girls was an experience rivaled only by learning that Santa didn't exist.

But you know what? I still love Katy's albums. Sure, what I am listening to might be more cyborg than woman, but that doesn't make it any less catchy or dance-able.

Enter Katy Perry's latest music video, Firework.

My thoughts? Absolutely ridiculous and hilarious. Positively over-budgeted and super-sappy. And I love every absurd, unnecessary moment of it.

The video starts simply enough, with Katy singing to us. I thought to myself: how nice, a simple, beautiful scene of Katy in an Evita nightrobey dress singing her simple ballad.

But that ends as soon as her boobs burst into flames, shooting sparks across what looks like Russia (based on my knowledge of Russia, which comes only from James Bond movies.) This titty explosion only causes more trouble, setting off a chain reaction in humans all over the place: a bald leukemia-suffering child explodes in fireworks, a pregnant woman's womb turns into a box of lit bottle rockets, a boy who is about to be mugged is saved by cheap magic tricks including the never ending streamer and two doves.

This firework body-snatching climaxes as the whole video ends with a billion people running and dancing in a town square, their inner fireworks firing dangerously off into many directions, no doubt smashing windows, defacing public art, and burning buildings down.

It's schmaltz. It's overdone. It's overcomplicated. And yet, I love it. Because I love this song. And I love the needless special effects being used to tell us we're all special and beautiful in a way that could blow shit up if we were to gather in the village square.

One final note: straight men beware. Katy Perry's breasts are not to be trusted. Sure they may LOOK like whipped cream-topped pastries, but they are concealing WMDs beneath those cherry-seeming nipples.

You have been warned. Now watch.