Monday, October 25, 2010

You gonna eat that? Oh wait, you can't.

I am obsessed with Fast Food. Not as in I eat it a lot, often, or ever, but as in I pay a lot of attention to it and news involving it often grabs my attention faster than you can grab a McDonalds Angus Snack Wrap. My ears delight in news of a McDonalds cheeseburger that sat on a table, without rotting, for 7 years. I'll never get over how Burger King has added a breakfast scramble to their AM menu. And I am endlessly intrigued by how many ways Taco Bell can essentially re-brand, re-name, and re-sell the same combination of circus animal meat and barely-literal cheese.

So imagine my excitement today when I stumbled upon Buzz Feed, which is featuring REGIONAL FAST FOOD SPECIALTIES. These things are always a hoot. For those of you not in the know, regional specialties are odd (and often amazing) fast food offerings that you could only get if you hopped on a plane to another country. My question: why can't Americans get these foods? I blame faulty testing or knowledge of marketing segments. Sure, people eat odd crap in other countries, but this is AMERICA where we gladly support anything that is deep-fried, bacon-ensconced, and injected with cheese sauce.

Here are the foods you simply can't get here in the states. How many of them would YOU buy? I know I'd want to try at least three of them (that Pizza Hut pizza should be the standard-bearer for This Is Why You're Fat).

At McDonalds in France, you are invited to partake of the Camembert Premiere, which is chicken nuggets, minus the chicken, plus liquid cheese. I will be the first to admit that I've never had camembert, mostly because the name skeeves me out and sounds like an accountant from Lyon. But sub in cheddar cheese and you've got something I'm sure Americans would love.

And speaking of cheese, meet Burger King of Netherlands' Nacho Whopper. This belongs in America now. One: because we Americans love our chips n' cheese. Two: do the Netherlandians really have such a hardon for Mexic-esque food? I always assumed they spent their days eating nothing but chocolate and cheese wheels.

Another major loss for America, this tasty looking mega-morsel is known as the Cordon Bleu Burger, and can only be nabbed in McDonalds in, you guessed it, Poland. Wait. What? Again, I fail to understand why the Polish are so French-obsessed as to earn this burger topped with ham-stuffed fried chicken. 

I have posted about wacky asian pizza pies before. As I have never traveled abroad, I must depend on Fast Food trends to understand that Japanese love gross, sperm-looking seafood, and they REALLY love it deep fried and put on dough that would never be called pizza anywhere else. Here's an example available only at Pizza Hut in Japan. It's called the "Golden Fortune" which I think is also the name of the Chinese Food takeout place by my apartment which, unfortunately, does not serve this Frankenpizza. While I am not particularly interested in topping my pizza with shrimp, "crab sticks" fish, pineapple and/or lime, I think having a crust made entirely out of "Cheesy Dough Bites" might be a secret gift sent by God to remind us that he does indeed exist, and that he wants us to die of heart attacks so he can see and hang out with us sooner.

It's Kielbasa. On a fucking burger. It's the German version of the McRib! And it's called Das Nurenburger, which sounds like an angry band. Want it? Too bad, motherfucker. Go buy yourself a ticket to Germany and stop by a McDonalds and then you'll have what you long for. As a sidenote, I support this burger simply because it is the first Fast Food trend that makes sense. Mexican in the Netherlands? No. French in Poland? No. Kielbasa for the Germans? That I'll buy. 

And I'll leave you with this. It's not odd at all, it's just 7 whopper patties on one burger. Where can you get this? Anywhere. While our local fast food joints might not stock kielbasa or ham stuffed chicken breasts, I'm pretty sure that there is no shortage of whoppers at any Burger King. I have also highlighted this burger because it is branded with Windows 7 - which is oh-so-genius. Because we know that the majority of PC users are hefty burger-eating nerds, and the less times they need to waddle to Burger King, the more time they have to level-up their World of Warcraft characters. Also, I tend to associate those scary eating contests with the Japanese, since I think they usually win. So this works for them, too, as off-season training.

There are many other delightful country-specific treats for you to check out, and they're all over at Buzzfeed. Check 'em out. And if you ever end up abroad, pick me up one and ship it back here.

- Justin Luke

1 comment:

  1. Holy crap, that is wrong, so wrong...

    Okay but the nacho whopper looks awfully good!