Miserable Dogs in Delightful Halloween Costumes!

Ah Halloween, a day where we all spend a lot of money (or time) on creating an alternate persona in the hopes of getting attention, praise, or ironic laughter. Well, that candy-addled holiday is but two days away and you can already see signs of it crawling on all fours under your line of sight.

That's right: it's time for the requisite post featuring dogs in Halloween costumes. These photographs showcase both the creativity and abject cruelty of the owners of these poor beasts who have no fucking idea what is going on.

Think about it from the dog's perspective, people. They have no idea why you've jammed them in a cumbersome pile of tin foil or done up their fur in Leia-esque curls. They just want to eat, take a shit, and go hump your couch. But then again, perhaps this is a social contract between dog and owner. You give them limo service, day care, and a place where they can fart and have it be considered cute, and all you ask in return is one day a year where you can dress them up like a frankfurter with all the fixins.

Pictures below. Enjoy (judging from the faces of the pooches, you'll be the only one enjoying.)

Katy Perry's Tits Catch Fire

When I saw Katy Perry perform live on Saturday Night Live, I was irreparably damaged. I am aware of the presence of auto-tuning in today's pop divas and divos, but I didn't realize that Katy was incapable of carrying even a semblance of a tune. Hearing her passion-less, high-note-free performance of California Girls was an experience rivaled only by learning that Santa didn't exist.

But you know what? I still love Katy's albums. Sure, what I am listening to might be more cyborg than woman, but that doesn't make it any less catchy or dance-able.

Enter Katy Perry's latest music video, Firework.

My thoughts? Absolutely ridiculous and hilarious. Positively over-budgeted and super-sappy. And I love every absurd, unnecessary moment of it.

The video starts simply enough, with Katy singing to us. I thought to myself: how nice, a simple, beautiful scene of Katy in an Evita nightrobey dress singing her simple ballad.

But that ends as soon as her boobs burst into flames, shooting sparks across what looks like Russia (based on my knowledge of Russia, which comes only from James Bond movies.) This titty explosion only causes more trouble, setting off a chain reaction in humans all over the place: a bald leukemia-suffering child explodes in fireworks, a pregnant woman's womb turns into a box of lit bottle rockets, a boy who is about to be mugged is saved by cheap magic tricks including the never ending streamer and two doves.

This firework body-snatching climaxes as the whole video ends with a billion people running and dancing in a town square, their inner fireworks firing dangerously off into many directions, no doubt smashing windows, defacing public art, and burning buildings down.

It's schmaltz. It's overdone. It's overcomplicated. And yet, I love it. Because I love this song. And I love the needless special effects being used to tell us we're all special and beautiful in a way that could blow shit up if we were to gather in the village square.

One final note: straight men beware. Katy Perry's breasts are not to be trusted. Sure they may LOOK like whipped cream-topped pastries, but they are concealing WMDs beneath those cherry-seeming nipples.

You have been warned. Now watch.

Why Gays Should Not Be Allowed to Go To War

Sarah Silverman, Tom Lennon, and a bunch of other comedians I don't immediately recognize have gone ahead and cut a video with a fair number of good reasons why gays shouldn't be allowed to serve.

I am inclined to agree; the last thing we want is some gay in a tu-tu trying to cram himself in a fighter jet, or some lezbo cadet convincing a straight servicewoman to go the queer route.

I have to say, I appreciate these humorous videos. We can only scream "You're all idiots" in so many ways before the buzz is ignored for its consistency. Every once in a while, you need to throw in irony, a reversal, or logic in the guise of illogic.

Thank you comedians for making light of a very heavy situation. Perhaps it'll find its way into deaf ears.

G.A.Y.S. (Guys Against You Serving) from Thomas Lennon

Who Farted?

Fartsquare from Fartsquare on Vimeo.
I'm an over-sharer, sure. But I have happily drawn the line at FourSquare. I don't find it to be any more useful than Facebook or Twitter or any other social network. If the site and application have any notable uses that make life easier, better, or more interesting, then I have unfortunately missed that marketing message.

However, FartSquare here is something that I can happily get behind (though I'd prefer to get ahead of it and then away from it).

Plus, it'll be a lot easier to blame the blast you just passed on someone else if you can pull out a heatmap and prove it with faulty geo-location information.

Near-Extinct Bird Says "Fuck You", Carves Penises in Wood, Smells Like Burning Hair

Meet the Merkle. It's not a real bird, but it IS the focus of The Onion's latest video. In case you live in a hole under the world's largest rock, The Onion is America's first and foremost fake newspaper and news show.

I love The Onion more than I love actual onions (which, ask the guy who works at the deli where I buy lunch, I love A LOT). The fake rag always seems to be at the front of what's funny, eclipsing even The Daily Show and The Colbert Report in my opinion. They also do a wonderful job of beating a joke to death and still eliciting laughs as they go about the beating.

Take for example this video. The premise is simple: this near-extinct bird is being protected by the government, even though it is the most abhorrent thing you've ever seen. It smells like shit, it tells you to "fuck yourself" and apparently it has a swatstika on its tail.

What makes this video funny? The fact that it just keeps going. This bird just keeps getting worse as the seconds crawl on (be sure to read the little informational pop-ups).

I won't dissect the 2 and a half minutes any further. I'll just let you meet the Merkle yourself.




Bird Hunted To Near Extinction Due To Infuriating 'Fuck You' Call

You gonna eat that? Oh wait, you can't.

I am obsessed with Fast Food. Not as in I eat it a lot, often, or ever, but as in I pay a lot of attention to it and news involving it often grabs my attention faster than you can grab a McDonalds Angus Snack Wrap. My ears delight in news of a McDonalds cheeseburger that sat on a table, without rotting, for 7 years. I'll never get over how Burger King has added a breakfast scramble to their AM menu. And I am endlessly intrigued by how many ways Taco Bell can essentially re-brand, re-name, and re-sell the same combination of circus animal meat and barely-literal cheese.

So imagine my excitement today when I stumbled upon Buzz Feed, which is featuring REGIONAL FAST FOOD SPECIALTIES. These things are always a hoot. For those of you not in the know, regional specialties are odd (and often amazing) fast food offerings that you could only get if you hopped on a plane to another country. My question: why can't Americans get these foods? I blame faulty testing or knowledge of marketing segments. Sure, people eat odd crap in other countries, but this is AMERICA where we gladly support anything that is deep-fried, bacon-ensconced, and injected with cheese sauce.

Here are the foods you simply can't get here in the states. How many of them would YOU buy? I know I'd want to try at least three of them (that Pizza Hut pizza should be the standard-bearer for This Is Why You're Fat).

At McDonalds in France, you are invited to partake of the Camembert Premiere, which is chicken nuggets, minus the chicken, plus liquid cheese. I will be the first to admit that I've never had camembert, mostly because the name skeeves me out and sounds like an accountant from Lyon. But sub in cheddar cheese and you've got something I'm sure Americans would love.

And speaking of cheese, meet Burger King of Netherlands' Nacho Whopper. This belongs in America now. One: because we Americans love our chips n' cheese. Two: do the Netherlandians really have such a hardon for Mexic-esque food? I always assumed they spent their days eating nothing but chocolate and cheese wheels.

Another major loss for America, this tasty looking mega-morsel is known as the Cordon Bleu Burger, and can only be nabbed in McDonalds in, you guessed it, Poland. Wait. What? Again, I fail to understand why the Polish are so French-obsessed as to earn this burger topped with ham-stuffed fried chicken. 

I have posted about wacky asian pizza pies before. As I have never traveled abroad, I must depend on Fast Food trends to understand that Japanese love gross, sperm-looking seafood, and they REALLY love it deep fried and put on dough that would never be called pizza anywhere else. Here's an example available only at Pizza Hut in Japan. It's called the "Golden Fortune" which I think is also the name of the Chinese Food takeout place by my apartment which, unfortunately, does not serve this Frankenpizza. While I am not particularly interested in topping my pizza with shrimp, "crab sticks" fish, pineapple and/or lime, I think having a crust made entirely out of "Cheesy Dough Bites" might be a secret gift sent by God to remind us that he does indeed exist, and that he wants us to die of heart attacks so he can see and hang out with us sooner.

It's Kielbasa. On a fucking burger. It's the German version of the McRib! And it's called Das Nurenburger, which sounds like an angry band. Want it? Too bad, motherfucker. Go buy yourself a ticket to Germany and stop by a McDonalds and then you'll have what you long for. As a sidenote, I support this burger simply because it is the first Fast Food trend that makes sense. Mexican in the Netherlands? No. French in Poland? No. Kielbasa for the Germans? That I'll buy. 

And I'll leave you with this. It's not odd at all, it's just 7 whopper patties on one burger. Where can you get this? Anywhere. While our local fast food joints might not stock kielbasa or ham stuffed chicken breasts, I'm pretty sure that there is no shortage of whoppers at any Burger King. I have also highlighted this burger because it is branded with Windows 7 - which is oh-so-genius. Because we know that the majority of PC users are hefty burger-eating nerds, and the less times they need to waddle to Burger King, the more time they have to level-up their World of Warcraft characters. Also, I tend to associate those scary eating contests with the Japanese, since I think they usually win. So this works for them, too, as off-season training.

There are many other delightful country-specific treats for you to check out, and they're all over at Buzzfeed. Check 'em out. And if you ever end up abroad, pick me up one and ship it back here.

- Justin Luke

DON'T YOU DARE LEAVE ME!!!

Apparently the average Facebook user has 150 friends. I read that this morning. I'm going to go ahead and say that "average" means "not gay, in New York City, or under the age of 50" because I'm pretty sure that most people I know have just shy of 1,000 friends. I myself have 3,000 friends (I actually know probably 15-20% of those friends, but that's nightlife biz, folks!)

Now, some people are very defensive of their friends list. I've seen angry Twitter and Facebook status messages cursing the fact that their friend and follower lists have dropped a tick or two. Who left? Why did they leave? Clearly they're a cantankerous asshole who deserves anus cancer and a few family deaths. Unless, of course, they come back into the friend and follower fold in which case, could they please re-send their phone number because I dropped my phone in a toilet this Saturday.

I cannot keep track of my constantly fluctuating friends and followers. I swear the number goes up and down every hour - either because Facebook is fucking with me, or because I am actually gaining and losing friends at the same rate that someone is diagnosed with liver cancer in America. So I've basically given up. Since I only know 20% of my friends in real life, I understand if I lose some of the others - I post a lot of content, I invite people to a lot of things. I can be hella annoying like that. Call me divisive. Some people love my ADHD posting habits, the funny videos I add, etc. Others hate it. That's fine.

But the rest of you: do you wonder where your friends have gone? While Facebook tells you when a friend has added you, it keeps suspiciously silent when someone flees the coop. Until now.

Meet UnFriend Finder. It's a simple script for your browser that lets you know who unfriended you and when. I haven't used it, but it's been generating a lot of buzz, and has over 10 million users. Which is in itself a vote of confidence, no?

So go forth, friends (assuming you are still friends). Install and keep track of that Facebook friend flow. And then let me know if it's as useful as everyone says it is.


Download UnFriend Finder Now

DROID DOES: Hot Gay Man Sex

Well looky here. It seems like the mobile arms (and dicks) race has just gotten a bit hotter.

Manhunt has launched an Android app!

And I'm going to go ahead and say this announcement will be a direct donkey punch to Grindr, possibly screwing its chances for top-like dominance on the Android platform.

Let me explain:

1. Naked! Apple's infamous puritanical rules have basically forced Grindr users to censor their naughty bits and allows them to post only photos of themselves in full robes (with hoods ON!) Android, meanwhile, is a Wild Wild West of unpoliced apps. Naked photos are included in Epicurious' app next to recipe photos, just because they're allowed to do so. As people's ATT contracts begin to expire, they may choose to hop over to Android just so they can start showing off their bubble butts again.

2. Penetration (tee-hee!) Everyone knows that the Android OS is gracing the greasy screens of more handsets than Apple's iOS. Now, gays are trendy and tend to buy iPhones because fancy-pretty is better than better-worky. But if we go back to the first point, it might be argument enough for a switch to a Droid or HTC Android device.

3. Manhunt Came First: With Grindr focusing on Apple and the iPhone, they left Android bare and empty. They still haven't gotten an app up. With Manhunt's brand, and monogamous presence, it's sure to get a huge lead in downloads.

BUT there is one big difference that might help Grindr out when they DO come to Android:

1. Money Shot: Manhunt costs money - monthly membership-type money. Grindr does not. Will Android users be willing to fork over a monthly fee for the privilege of meeting a guy who lives three floors above them in their highrise? Maybe. But Manhunt should be careful.

Because this announcement may light a fire under Grindr's bottom, pushing them to launch on Android in the next few months. If they do this, keep the app and membership free, and offer all the cock 'n' butt shots that Apple users can only dream of... well... this might not be as much of a smackdown as I am thinking.

Either way, congrats to all of my Android-using gay horny brethren. As a taken man, I would feel guilty just for downloading the app. So I'll leave it to you: how does it function? Is it everything you ever dreamed of?

How Whoopi and Joy Behar Got Fox News to Give Juan Williams $2 Million Dollars

I am still blinking at the title of this blog post. It sounds ridiculous. It's the sort of statement that would come at the end of a suspense-thriller movie, accompanied by a high-speed video montage showing you how the lowly limo driver killed the butler, framed the chef, and ended up being Kaiser Soze after all.

But it's all true. Allow me to show you how a disgusting bigot (despite his minority status, yummy!) is now making $2 million dollars.

It began on The View. Bill O'Reilly, who's wildly swinging left and right to get people's attention since Glenn Beck hit Fox News and stole the leechlight, was on to discuss his new book (which is apparently 20% new content, and 80% repurposed interview transcript). In the midst of his bloviating and beet-faced bibble-babblery, he decided to drop a bomb (no pun intended) and character assassinate ALL MUSLIMS by saying they are terrorists:

It wouldn't have been such a big deal if Joy and Whoopi didn't get up and leave the stage. But they did. AND I'M GLAD THEY DID. Bill O'Reilly said a bigoted, and disgusting statement. If that were Whoopi up there saying that white people in suburbans scared her, you can bet Fox News would be up in arms and pinning her as a RACISSSST.

Note: My head could explode with the absurd hypocrisy of Fox News at every point in this twisting tale. So I will stop mentioning each instance, and you can just find them yourself. Sorta like a Where's Waldo, except Waldo is a shill for the Republican party who hates Muslims and takes advantage of poor people.

The walk-off made worldwide news because people are bored at work and have nothing to do but watch awkward altercations on YouTube while waiting for clients to get back to them about projects they don't care about. Bill O'Reilly, Whoopi, and Joy all happily answered questions and talked about how they hated one-another.

And because Bill has his own nightly show, he made sure to continue talking about how he was in the right, and the world is applauding him for speaking his mind. And one such night where he was patting himself on the back, O'Reilly welcomed Juan Williams, an NPR journalist onto the program.

Williams, who has been speaking as a guest opinion commentator had this gem to say:



That's right. Stand back, Samuel L. because Juan Williams is afraid of those MOTHERFUCKIN MUSLIMS on this MOTHERFUCKIN PLANE.

So the black hispanic civil rights journalist snidely comments that he's scared of muslims wearing their religious clothing. How would he feel if someone said "well, I'm nervous around black men in military garb standing outside of polling places." Oh wait. That's happened already. And Fox News said it. And it wasn't actually true.

Sorry. Hypocrisy.

Well, as I feel was warranted, JUAN WILLIAMS WAS FIRED. He should be. NPR is toeing a neutral line and, frankly, having a journalist on staff who appears regularly on Fox News is like having a college professor who spends his evenings smashing his head into cinder blocks for sport.

Poor NPR. They just can't cut a break. They were just under heat a week back for telling staff they are not allowed to attend the upcoming Stewart/Colbert rallies in DC (which is CLEARLY a left-leaning, liberal policy, right?)

So where does this end up? In crazy town, of course!

Juan Williams has been hired by Fox News, where he is now making $2 million dollars in a 3-year-contract. And all he had to do was insult an entire group of human beings.

Meanwhile, the right, with its newest target, is amassing its attack-tumors and flying full speed at NPR. That's right. A U.S. Senator is seeking to defund National Public Radio because it fired one person who appeared on Fox News. Separation of Church and State? I want to create an amendment forcing a separation of Fox and State.

Of course we'll all be watching how this circus sets up its tents and waiting for when they truck out the elephants and fire-blowers. Why? Because it's ridiculous. And because we're still very, very bored at work.

And now I know exactly how I can make the millions of dollars I've always wanted. I just have to sell my soul, feed the growing flames of racial intolerance and fear, and insult a group of people on the air. Maybe I'll go after Hindus... it's been a while since we've focused on them.

- J.