|Those things on the right are representative of the brain matter that will bubble forth from your ears.|
The site was called Fabulis, which looks and sounds more like a new hip hop artist to be adopted by Ke$ha than it does a social network, but that's fine. I figured - what the hey? And so I used the handy-dandy Facebook connect button and was done.
This caused me to blink - Fabulis didn't want any NEW info from me... they just swallowed all of my Facebook info. Okay, I thought, well... that was easy? I spent some time clicking around the site (which, I'll give it this much, is nicely designed with a clean and uncluttered layout). Problem is I could find NOTHING to do. I didn't understand why I was on this site. But there was one thing I did notice:
I kept earning FABULIS POINTS! (imagine these words yelled with sibilant consonants and a slight lisssssp by a man with a floppy hand in an ascot).
Seriously. There was nothing I could do that wouldn't earn me hundreds and hundreds of FABULIS POINTS! I sat there, not doing anything, for a minute, just to try and figure out what the points were for, or what I could do with them. Just sitting there netted me 500 additional FABULIS POINTS!
The other issue was that I literally couldn't even click around Fabulis because I kept being interrupted by pop-ups alerting me to still more influxes of FABULIS POINTS!
If FABULIS POINTS were actual currency, I'd quit my job and retire early as a fucking millionaire. Note: to date I still have NO idea what FABULIS POINTS can get me.
So, frustrated, I signed out of FABULIS and went back to Facebook - where I can actually do things like poke people and like posts and share information with friends.
That was when the emails started. I don't recall telling Fabulis they could email me, but you can bet yer boots they didn't seem to care. Suddenly I was receiving ten, twenty, THIRTY emails a day! Each one was awarding me FABULIS POINTS! and updating me on activities people were doing involving me.
Someone had commented on my check-in!
Someone had asked me a question!
Someone liked the answer I gave to that question!
Someone answered a question I asked!
This was all a bit queer, considering I HADN'T FUCKING DONE ANYTHING ON FABULIS. It was like a wild, social-media-addicted clone of me had risen up out of a test tube somewhere and was living my life on Fabulis. Next he would probably start robbing banks and getting me arrested, or using my credit cards to gamble my money away in Vegas.
Not cool. And today, I finally had enough. I have successfully unsubscribed from FABULIS email updates (yup, you guessed it, this action earned me 345 FABULIS POINTS!) I would go sign in to delete my account, but it's impossible to do anything without becoming fat and rich on FABULIS POINTS! And by the time I'm done closing out all of the pop-ups, they'll probably have made up four hundred things I didn't actually do, so they could start emailing me again about what people were doing in response to those things I didn't do.
So fuck it. If you're on Fabulis, I pity you. If you are NOT on Fabulis, I implore you DO NOT SIGN UP FOR FABULIS.
If you want to experience Fabulis, just drop me a line and I'll start sending you a thousand emails full of capitalized letters and exclamation points a day, all while getting my friends to text you every five minutes congratulating you on winning an arbitrary number of value-less crap.
While I've never loved Facebook, I must admit: compared to Fabulis, it's pretty fucking Fabulous.
- Justin Luke