Thursday, January 13, 2011

Lollipop Twinks: Where Gay Porn Misses the Mark

Take a journey with me.

Once upon a time, there were only a few porn companies. The Bel Amis, the Hustlers and Falcons. These kings and queens of sex reigned supreme and released video tapes in boxes big enough to hold cereal that cost as much as a year's supply of Cheerios.

But then the Internet came, and the porn world exploded. Now anyone who has a Flip cam, one or more willing models, and an xTube account can create their own cash-for-cock company.

This, of course, is good for most people. No matter what gets your gob going, chances are you can find it with a quick search on Pornotube or Sexbox or FuckTruck or whatever other millions of free inappropriate YouTube ripoffs there are out there.

Love boys in socks? Check out Socks, Jocks and Cocks!

Love guys getting it on surrounded by helium-filled balloons? Check out Balloon Butt Bois!

In the mood to see two guys dressed like Judy Garland wrestling in a ring filled with Crackerjack Box toys? Then you're weird!

Yes, I'm sure we can all agree that today's state of porn is fantastic. We all get what we want, and chances are we can get it for cheap or free. Granted, the state of porn for the companies producing it is far worse - as they're all losing money and going out of business... but who cares, right? This cum ain't gonna shoot itself!

There is one thing that has come about from this porn revolution that gives me pause, however. It's one specific site: Lollipop Twinks. I won't link to it, because I don't want to get you fired. So if you want to see it, just shove that title into your Google Box.

Lollipop Twinks has a really simple conceit: it features twinks fucking each other... while inexplicably holding very large lollipops. The big sucker varieties you probably saw Shirley Temple holding and licking determinedly while singing songs in Technicolor. Now before you jump ahead to the answer section, let me clarify: the twinks don't use the lollipops for sex. No, they are engaging in standard run-of-the-mill gay porn sex. They just happen to be desperately grasping onto lollipops while this happens.

Am I missing the boat here? Has there always been an unmet need for twinks holding candy randomly while engaging in carnal acts? Maybe it's just me. Maybe people have been praying to the porn gods for videos of guys getting it on while holding Kik Kats and Butterfingers since before I was born.

I'm sorry. It just doesn't make sense, in an uncomfortable way. "BOYS WHO LOVE SUCKING ON BIG LOLLIPOPS!" screams the site. Well... okay. You would expect that "lollipops" would be a metaphor for "Big fat horsecocks." News flash: it is not. The owners of the site are literally selling their porn on the expectation that their visitors want to see boys snacking on ACTUAL lollipops while getting their butts snacked on simultaneously.

In my journey to understand Lollipop Twinks, I have come to one conclusion: the site is owned by a bunch of heterosexual businessmen somewhere in Tokyo. They also own all the karaoke bars, fishports, and a couple of sanitation companies. For the hell of it, they decided to add a gay twink porn site to their portfolio. Add your own offensive accents to this dramatization:

Man 1: Hokay, we make gay porn site?

Man 2: A-hah a-hah yes. Good money in that gay porn thing. But what do we call it?

Man 1: Americans are fat!

Man 2: Yes! And they like candy!

Man 1: Maybe we have Pocky porn site?

Man 2: No. No. Something better.

::Girl scout enters conference room::

Girl: I'm selling lollipops for my troupe. Want to buy some?

Man 1: A-hah! A-hah! Yes! Little boys and LOLLIPOPS!

And so it was. Almost guaranteed.

I cannot honestly manufacture any other explanation for Lollipop Twinks, besides out of touch, ill-informed owners who just don't get it. Maybe you have a better one? I'm open to any ideas or suggestions. I want to learn and understand.

The strangest thing is that the twinks don't seem to be wanting to hold the lollipops. They'd rather be using their hands to rub eachother's lithe bodies, jerk off one-another, and otherwise have sex with each other. No way, says the director of Lollipop Twinks. You will hold on to that ridiculously colorful piece of candy. You won't pay it any mind, or use it in any way. But so help me God, you WILL HOLD ON TO THAT MOTHERFUCKING LOLLIPOP!

It's awkward. It's strange. And on xTube, it's even odder, because Lollipop Twinks never identifies by its name on the site. No, you'll be watching two twinks getting all up ons and then suddenly BAM! Lollipop. Right in your face, carelessly hanging from one of the twink's hands. Your boner instantly deflates. FOILED BY LOLLIPOP TWINKS AGAIN!

WHY!?

Unless, of course, maybe Lollipop Twinks is making a killing in memberships. Maybe people really DO want to see Twinks having sex while trying to trivially hang on to foodstuffs. Maybe they're geniuses and the rest of us are the fools. In that case, what's next?

Bagel Bears?

Pizza Pigs?

Oreo Otters?

Flan Fairies?

Manicotti Muscle Men?

This list could go on and on. Feel free to start buying up the URLs. I wish you luck.

- Justin Luke

4 comments:

  1. OMG I WAS TOTALLY BAFFLED BY THE LOLLIPOP TWINKS TOO!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I feel like I may have actually seen one lick the lollipop once...but I could be mistaken.

    ReplyDelete
  3. New Years Resolutions, 2011

    #8 - Have sex with Twink Holding Lollypop

    ReplyDelete
  4. I actually Like the lollipop concept, their content is also of very high quality and they always have the best twinks!

    ReplyDelete