Why? Because I've got somewhere to go! And fuck, man, it's cold and loud out there! Until the weather gets better and people stop sitting on their horns, I will forever treat my traveling outside in Manhattan as a means to an end - with the means sucking my balls backwards and the end being always too far out of my sight lines.
Well, guess what? If you're like me, and secretly steam and ponder kicking slow-walking fools in front of you on the sidewalk, you may actually suffer from a newly proven condition: SIDEWALK RAGE.
According to The Wall Street Journal:
"Researchers say the concept of "sidewalk rage" is real. One scientist has even developed a Pedestrian Aggressiveness Syndrome Scale to map out how people express their fury. At its most extreme, sidewalk rage can signal a psychiatric condition known as "intermittent explosive disorder," researchers say. On Facebook, there's a group called "I Secretly Want to Punch Slow Walking People in the Back of the Head" that boasts nearly 15,000 members."
Well of course it's fucking real! I mean, I feel it every time I get stuck behind a group of chatty Long Island girls giggling and galumping out of Penn Station. Or a bunch of tittering tourists who think the stickers on a Times Square pay phone are SO hilarious that they MUST take pictures with them. Or some purple haired octagenarian who is sighing in frustration and stopping for no apparent reason in my way.
OUT OF THE WAY FUCKERS! It's a sidewalk, not a sidestandthereandpickyourunderwearoutofyourasscrack!
Make it work!
Luckily, the WSJ article also gives us a hit list of who to be on the lookout for:
"Most people on a sidewalk are in groups, and they tend to walk side-by-side or in an outward-opening V-shape, impeding the flow of foot traffic, according to an article published recently in PLoS One, a Public Library of Science journal.
People slow down when distracted by other activities, too. A 2006 study by the City of New York and the NYC Department of City Planning showed smokers walk 2.3% slower than the average walker's 4.27 feet per second. Tourists creep along at an 11% more-leisurely rate than the average walker, while cellphone talkers walk 1.6% slower, according to the study. Headphone wearers, by contrast, clipped along at a 9% faster rate than average."
So there you have it. Bitch slap every smoker, phone talker, and tourist you see, and maybe they'll flee from you in horror instead of taking a stroll like they're some promenading couple in the luscious gardens of Mid-Century England.
I really don't think it's me. Don't we ALL just want to get where we're going? Unless we're on a major shopping thoroughfare, or in Central Park, or by some holiday display windows, we're trying to get somewhere!
My fury at slow packs of walking slug-people is only bested by absolute biggest pet peeve of all time: people who take photos of each other all the way across a sidewalk, and take their sweet time doing it. Come on people. HOW ENTITLED DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? You are hogging up an entire 5-people's worth of space so you can get a shot of your best girlfriend looking all fake-slutty next to the Chicago the Musical posters? MOVE IT!
Man. I'm getting heated. I'm going to go for a walk to cool down.
Wait. DAMMIT!
(Special thanks to Erin for the tip on this article)
- Justin Luke
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