Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Gays Aren't Fab Enough for Fab.com


Remember when I wrote yesterday about how Fab.com was killing off their imitative brainchild, The Big Gay Daily Deal? I had no idea that when they kicked that failed bitch into the East River that it had the entire Fab.com website tied to it.

But this was apparently the case, because the gay social network you begrudgingly knew as Fab.com is DEAD. Gone! Kaput!

::Insert rendition of "Ding, Dong, The Witch is Dead" from The Wizard of Oz.::

I'm sorry, trusted readers, it's true! And I have to say I didn't give all of you enough credit. I would post my rants about the service and hear gays telling me "Fab is fab! It's amazing!" And I feared that you would forever be taken advantage of by this disingenuous "me-too!" rip-off site that treated you like gerbils at a food pellet machine while raping your private information so they could make good cash in advertising.

Well, turns out you're smarter than I could have even hoped! You knew Fab sucked, and you didn't use it (or didn't use it enough to justify their investment) and so Fab.com is making a complete transition to a DAILY DESIGN DEALS site.

Any gay that went to Fab.com today to get their daily serving of SPAM Fab Bits came upon this message. Of course this message is just as dishonest and ridiculous as the site that spawned it. They claim that because gays are getting more rights, there's no need for a special gay social network. Hell, there's no need to cater to gays at all, any longer! Instead Fab.com will now offer deals to STRAIGHT PEOPLE TOO!

Let's not even begin to tackle just how rude of an action it is to basically give your loyal user base (however paltry they may be) NO WARNING WHATSOEVER that you are about to shut down all of their profiles. I hope they're still letting their users collect their paid-for Big Gay Daily Deals, otherwise they may have a lawsuit on their hands. No respect there, Fab. Shows how you viewed your users...

As useless.

And since you didn't take the time to give them something new, sexy, and worthwhile, you just decided to kick them to the curb and undergo your third transformation in less than two years.

And, hey guys! We can stop all of that protesting for our rights and raising money to fight Prop 8 and fearing for our safety in neighborhoods that don't welcome gays because FAB SAYS EVERYTHING IS A-OK!

Phew. Thank God. I hate having to fight for equality. It gets in the way of my searching for Great Daily Design Deals. And hey! Fab is now giving me just that! Funny how that works out.

Please, Fab. You could have at least gone out with a dose of honesty. "Dear visitors, we're sorry for creating a shitty rip-off site that treated you as nothing better than a number on an advertising sell sheet. But guess what! You're smarter than we thought! So since we can't turn a profit on you, we're going to go and rip off a Daily Deals site... they're so hot right now. Groupon makes a lot of money, right? So maybe we can too. We're not going to add value to that either, but we're gonna have a go and hopefully make some money there, too."

This whole move reeks of the same stank that originally turned my stomach on Fab.com to begin with: they're lazy. There is PLENTY of room for a gay social network... but you have to give your visitors value and something they actually want. You can't just carbon copy what they already have, slap some rainbows, pink triangles, and unicorns on it and expect them to flock. They'll come, but they'll abandon you when they realize that you're no better than what they were using before you showed up.

So here ends my criticizing of Fab.com. I hope they make a ton of money selling designer "pencils" to soccer moms in Peoria. Hopefully they won't mind going to a website that used to cater to those "queery gays." And to the rest of you who want to make something for we gays, remember: we have classy tastes and high expectations. Don't try to dupe us. Give us something we actually want and need, and we'll treat you plenty right, and make you a ton of money.

I'd write "Rest in Peace, Fab.com" here, but I don't think the site even deserves the right to Peace. Nor does it deserve Rest. Peace out, Fab.com. Glad to see you go.

- Justin Luke

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