Once upon a time, sex toys were severely limited if you were a top (or top-preferred). Basically you could fuck a blow up doll that looked like a kid's toy, or you could fuck a large mechanical vagina that looked disturbingly like a pencil sharpener.
Then, one day, God came down from the Heavens and gave unto us the Fleshjack (don't click that link if you're at work, boys.)
It looked like a flashlight, but, hiding beneath its innocent twisty cover was a perfectly formed midget butt or mouth (or if you were a straight guy, a vagina. Ew.) What a great toy! Of course I splurged and spent $200 on it.
Fleshjack comes with your choice of entry point, and your choice of interior: all matters of curves and bumps and ridges to take your junk to levels of pleasure it will never experience in a human cavity (I think this is fair since I've never met a man who stacks up to the dildos on sale at Christopher Street, save for the porn stars who encased their members in plaster of paris like a 2nd grader to make them).
From there, Fleshjack got REALLY popular. They were able to release new fun products. Like the IceJack, which was clear and let you see what was happening inside - something you could never do without cutting open your partner while getting it on, or doing the nasty in an x-ray machine.
Or Count Cockula, the beer can with a gentle-fanged mouth for when Vampires were all the rage and all anyone wanted was some fellatio from Edward or anyone on True Blood.
And then, most recently, a whole suite of sweets modeled after some of the biggest gay porn stars in the world.
These are all well and good... but I'm not sure how I feel about Fleshjack's latest product launch, which just came to my email. It's called Fleshjack Pure, and it might just mean that the Fleshjackers are running out of good ideas.
|Mmmmm Jelly Donut... WAIT A MINUTE!|
"Pleasure connoisseurs know that two things create the perfect Fleshjack experience: getting into the action fast, and the splendid subtleties of a well-designed, highly-stimulating inner texture. With the all-new PURE, you'll find we've delivered a truly discreet and unique Fleshjack experience. From the brand new, exhilarating inner texture; to the specially-designed and stealthy orifice that gets you to the pleasure sooner, there's never been a more PURE Fleshjack experience."
Note: Next time someone asks how that hook-up was that you went home with the night before, be sure to credit the one-night-stand with a "stealthy orifice."
In other words, they have surgically removed the butt and mouth and created a neutered hole where there was once an orifice. And it's pink.
... I don't like it! It's a very odd thing to look at. I understand there's minimal barrier to entry... but don't we want some push-back on our pushing? Otherwise it's like we're burying our man meat in a Jell-o mold or bowl of pudding. It's American Pie all over again!
And I can't get over the fact that it'll make you look like you're giving it good to a floating strawberry frosted donut. If that's where we're headed, I'll just go around the corner to Dunkin Donuts and buy one of them for 50 cents. They come with sprinkles and I can eat it when I'm done.
Also, it just feels lazy. They ripped everything off, and re-packaged it with a new name. It's almost like the butt-cheek-folding machine busted down and the lip implant robots went on strike and they were left with a bunch of Fleshjack Holes. Sex munchkins, if you will.
Maybe you feel differently... how do YOU think the Fleshjack Pure looks?
- Justin Luke