Hello Plus One Readers!
As you may have read, I spent the past 10 days away from New York on a national tour (read: vacation) with my boyfriend. This involved stopping through San Francisco, Sacramento, Napa and Sonoma, and Orlando, Florida. And what fun it was! Minus one part. One small part. One small part that makes me cry tears filled with blood and more blood.
And that was two connecting flights with American Airlines.
Listen up! I am an exclusive jetBlue customer. I LOVE these guys. Their planes are clean, there's a TV filled with reality programs jammed three inches from my face, and I can eat all the Doritos Munchie Mix bags I want without a single catty look from the Flight Attendants. Also, I love the way they demonstrate oxygen masks "falling from the ceiling" during their safety presentations.
But something went wrong. Namely: there were NO jetBlue flights between Sacramento and Orlando. No biggie! Said I. We'll just fly American Airlines with a connection at Dallas Fort Worth. What could go wrong?
Well, everything.
For one, American Airlines planes are disgusting. I think I'd have felt better in the steerage of the Titanic with drunken immigrants (did you ever see the movie? that shit looked like SO MUCH FUN). The chairs we sat in smelled musty and were crammed so close together. This is especially bad for me because God gave me the shoulders of a linebacker (alas, no other linebacker talents were granted me, thanks Holy Father). So basically I had to sit in my seat, my elbows sucked into my sides. They advertised wi-fi on the plane, but there wasn't enough room for me to sit comfortably to tick away on my computer.
And leg room? I know jetBlue only gives you a few extra inches... but ask any porn star: every inch counts. I swear to God I would have been eating my snack off of my kneecaps... that's assuming they had given me a damn snack.
Which they didn't.
Get this: on my flight, those in coach got a drink but NO snack. To get a snack, you had to be in FIRST CLASS. In other words, those idiots who paid an extra $200 were basically paying for a bag of Lay's potato chips (they didn't even have Munchies). And the free drinks were given to us by depressed looking flight attendants in uniforms that looked like they had been lining the bottom of bird cages prior to being put on.
And NO tvs! None! Not even one every few rows on the roof of the plane! Are you kidding me? And I paid MORE for this flight than I do for jetBlue? For the chance to pick my nose with my knee caps while my elbows charleyhorsed and my stomach gurgled for want of a bag of carbs?
You have to be fucking kidding me, American Airlines. How are you still in business? Why does ANYONE fly you? Frankly, I can't figure out a single damn reason, other than "Well, shit, jetBlue doesn't fly there. Guess we better fly American. Let's wrap ourselves in garbage bags and get to the airport!"
Oh, and our connecting flight was late. So late that we got to watch harried passengers sprint from the plane to find out that THEIR connecting flights had already left the terminal, and they'd be stuck in Dallas Fort Worth with the crappy BBQ joints and ten-gallon hat-shaped refrigerator magnets for many more hours.
Luckily, Joe and I were able to fly back from Orlando on jetBlue. And how sweet it was! I swear those Popcorners Pop Corn chips tasted like Manna from the heavens. Our flight attendants were energized AND some were even bang-worthy. We watched Rachel Ray cooking spaghetti like it's risotto and sipped our cranberry juices and moved our elbows with total freedom, switching leg positions when it suited us.
THAT is the way to fly. jetBlue's tag line is "HAPPY JETTING" and "YOU ABOVE ALL". I guess that makes American Airlines' taglines "SHITTY FART-FLYING" and "YOU BELOW US, SOMEWHERE NEAR WHERE WE KEEP YOUR DOGS."
- Justin Luke
Don't get me started on American Airlines.
ReplyDeleteI booked a very nicely priced trip to Japan, and two days later they had the terrible earthquake and tsunami. We were supposed to fly just 4 weeks after. Not only did American not offer a refund -- you know, since I didn't want to fly to a nation that was just hit with the worst natural disaster of the century -- but they were going to charge me $250 PER TICKET to change my flight to another destination.
I had to go through a friend who works for the government to get out the trip. But AA didn't give me a refund, I now have almost $2000 worth of "credit" on American that I must use within a year. BULL SHIT.
stop complaining fatass, it's best for everyone that people like you have to buy two seats. loose some weight or shut your bologna hole.
ReplyDeleteJon, you did a great job learning how to use the computer. I know it's hard for a retard to do anything right, but you overcame your affliction and proved your parents wrong. They should have never left you in that dumpster when you were 9.
ReplyDelete