"So in other words, it's like you never fucked at all," another friend countered.
"Exactly," the original friend said. "We're actually great friends now."
The most interesting part is that not a one of us found this odd or tried to debate the statement. We all just nodded. Four years ago was a damn long time. So of course they could be friends, despite whatever they may have done or not done so many years ago.
And I am going to have to agree. Maybe not where you are, but certainly in New York City, there seems to be a Gay Sex Statute of Limitations. A certain period of time where, once it has passed, you can basically act as though you never got naked and deep-throated each other to orgasm in the first place. Much like an outstanding bench warrant for your arrest that you duck out of the country to avoid, returning years later and no one really gives a damn.
Beyond ACTING like you never had sex, I think this goes down to a deeper, more mental and physical reaction. Think about it. If you're gay and attractive, and in New York, and single... even a few months of time may be enough. You've slept with and/or dated so many guys in that time. Each additional body stacked on top of the original body you had slept with. As they pile up, that first one (or second one, or tenth one, or whatever) gets farther and farther away. Until, finally, you've been with enough other guys and enough time has passed that it's like it never happened at all.
I think this is something that came as a result of queer evolution. A sort of protective shell, if you will. Because in New York, you are doomed to run into every guy you've fucked or dated at LEAST once a month, if not more. And if you weren't able to physically and emotionally move on from the sex you have had with people, you'd most likely be forced into a hermit-like existence for the rest of your days, or you'd have to move to another state, never to return.
For me, I think my Gay Sex Statute of Limitations is about, give or take, three months. That's assuming, of course, there were no repeats or anything. That's a little tougher. And when it comes to gay relationships, I think my statute is about 7 or 9 months. It took me that long to start talking to my ex-boyfriend of five and a half years again.
Now, since I've been with my boyfriend over 2 years, basically this means I have a sexual and relationship clean slate! I can remark that I slept with or dated this guy or that, but I'm just saying words and stating facts. I can hardly conjure up memories of what we actually did. Any feelings from those meetings are long gone. Not buried like someone who can't deal with reality, but, rather, eaten through and done. I remember THAT we did something together, but goddamn that was a long time ago, wasn't it?
Of course, this is just my personal statute of limitations. I imagine they probably vary. I have an ex that I dated for less than a year, three years ago. He still won't speak to me. I don't blame him, I callously dumped him without warning and began dating someone else almost immediately after. It's weird because I can hardly remember a single thing about the time we spent together, and still he won't talk to me when we pass on the street. Clearly his statute stretches into years.
I think this statute necessary. Especially in a hyperactive and hyper-horny city such as New York. You NEED to be able to separate and move on. It's all a part of survival here. If you haven't evolved to that point, I hope that you can sometime soon. It'll make life and going out to drink at night far, far easier. Think of my 9-month ex. How much easier would it be if he could just nod and smile at me on the street, versus gritting his teeth, looking enraged, and stomping past me while he screams profanity into his phone about how much of an asshole I was... three years ago.
At some point, we all need to let go.
What's your Gay Sex Statute of Limitations? Would love to know!
<3 JL
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