Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Who Here Likes Jerking Off with Sandpaper?

Anyone? What about wrapping barbed wire around your dick and using it to fuck someone in the ass?

No? Come on, someone must!

What about watching a bunch of mutilated people shitting in each other's mouths? You know, Two Near-Dead Girls, One Cup (which is their mouths).

No? Nobody?


And neither does the whole of Britain, which just banned the movie from being shown there.

But that doesn't seem to have stopped this movie from slowly crawling its way to our shores and theaters. It's the upcoming sequel to The Human Centipede.

Come on man, really? A sequel? The first movie sounded like an unhatched idea: Doctor decides to sew people together. Okay... and then what? What's the story? Do those people escape and menace the earth? Does he take them on a world freak show tour?

Nope! He just sews them together, which you see in the original trailer. You don't even have to see the movie! You got to see the one shock value piece right there at your computer for free.

Well, despite the total idiocy of this entire film, the "Second Sequence" is coming soon. And the director of the movie stars in his own trailer, speaking to us via some sort of badly illustrated ESP. The story of the second film? Well, he had nowhere to go, since the centipede was made, which we saw in the trailer... so... we take a meta step backwards and instead follow a FAN OF THE FIRST FILM who loves it so much that he decides to MAKE HIS OWN HUMAN CENTIPEDE.

Yep. You get to see the same movie again, kids! And this one is being billed as 100% Medically Inaccurate (I guess its apparent accuracy was what sold the first one to the idiots who paid good money to see it). Plus you get the barbed wire cock ring rape scene and sandpaper handjob as bonus gifts!

Listen. I love porn. Torture porn, however, I do not love whatsoever. Ick. Ow. Ew. No.

I won't be seeing this movie, friends. Also, I will not be seeing anyone who goes to see this movie. That's right. The moment you enter a theater to see The Human Centipede full sequence Part Two, we will immediately cease to be friends. And I will not even need you to tell me you saw it. I will FEEL it in my heart, soul and bones. And we will no longer be friends.

<3 JL

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