Tuesday, August 16, 2011
6 Ways to NOT Be a Drunken Hot Mess at the Gay Club
You've seen them, I've seen them. Hell, let's be honest, you and I have probably BEEN them at one time or another. I'm talking specifically about That Hot Mess at the party. Standing straight up is impossible, so he's pitching back and forth as his head falls like it's suddenly filled with billiard balls. And God forbid he should try to walk... FACEPLANT! Chances are this is the same guy who will soon have his ass kicked out of the club. Don't worry, he won't go far. You'll find him puking on the sidewalk and crying right around the corner.
Now, can we please agree that this is NOT fun? Of course becoming intoxicated is fun. Hell, getting DRUNK is fun. But the fun stops when you hit this point. When everything you drank is all over your shirt, along with that slice of pizza, the fun has officially come to a stop.
And yet, despite this, I am ALWAYS encountering these hot messes at my parties. Why? Are they doing it on purpose? Are they so fucking stupid they just can't tell how much booze they're pouring down their throats? I have no answer. What I DO have are some strategies that you can pass on to them, or use them yourself.
I am very well-versed in responsible liquor consumption for one reason: I refuse to allow myself to get extremely drunk at parties. I'll get tipsy, and play it up, but that's where I stop. A good promoter can't be shit faced. He has to be ready to deal with problems, run the microphone, head up contests and giveaways, deal with issues at the door, meet and network, herd performers and go-gos and attend to VIPs. Because of that, I have developed a few guidelines that border on Science and Art.
Unless you like waking up the next morning with puke still in your nostrils and no idea who that guy is in bed next to you, perhaps you'll take them to heart and give them a shot, too!
And one last time: I'm not saying you should be sober. Fuck no. Drink up! That's how I get paid! What I am advocating for here is a TINY bit of responsibility. Knowing when to stop, so we don't have to stop you by throwing your ass out on the street.
Here we go.
1. Eat something. Gays don't eat! Gays don't eat! Shut the fuck up. You NEED to eat something. Preferably before you party. A few pieces of low-calorie bread if you're afraid of that upcoming photo shoot you have scheduled. What you need is carbs and protein. Just pretend you're building a small pillow or sponge in your tummy that will sop up the booze. An empty stomach is a dangerous thing when you're drinking because it could very well jump you from sober to trashed in just a drink or two.
2. H20 Breaks. When I drink, I play a game of tennis. It goes like this: alcohol, bottle of water, alcohol, bottle of water, alcohol, bottle of water, bottle of water, alcohol. A bartender once told me: "Getting drunk is a funny thing, you're basically dehydrating and poisoning yourself." BRING IT ON! Right? Right. Let's drink. But seriously, you need to rehydrate as you dehydrate. Imagine every cocktail drawing water out of your body, that's water you need to put back in there. Extra bonus: may help you fight off a hangover!
3. Secret Ninja Shots. I very VERY rarely take shots. Why? Because it's basically like guzzling an entire drink in one breath. Not good. Jumps you to hot mess a lot quicker. And yet, as a promoter, I am constantly being pulled into shot scenarios where someone is buying, and I better be drinking. So what do I do? Simple: I pour my shot into my drink. BOOM! You can pretend you're doing the shot and no one calls you out on it. You still get the booze so your free liquor opportunity isn't ruined. And chances are it won't ruin the taste of your drink, either.
4. Space it out. Listen, I know you're afraid we're going to run out of alcohol. DO NOT WORRY. We are fine. We have tons of bottles under the bar, and even more in storage. You don't need to keep slamming them back with such abandon. Try spacing out your drink orders. Don't order a new drink until 30 or so minutes after your last one. Or 20 minutes. Or whatever.
5. Make one night a science project. Okay, this isn't fun, I know... but it's really helpful. Choose one night sometime soon and make it your Study Night. What you're going to do is MONITOR YOURSELF as closely as you can throughout the night. You want to be conscious of your level of intoxication as you drink. This is, of course, tough, because as the drinks go down, things start to go blurry. So drink SLOW. Do your waters. And keep asking yourself: how drunk am I? This will help you to determine your LIMIT.
Thanks to a night like this, I know the following: Two and a half drinks get me tipsy. I can have another drink every forty five minutes after this and maintain my tipsiness all night. Somewhere between 3 and 4 drinks without that pacing gets me drunk. 5 drinks and more is too much. FOR ME. For every person, it's different. And it differs also based on the amount of sleep you've had, how hydrated you are, and if you ate anything that day. Also how hot it is outside. SO MANY DIFFERENT factors. Take a night and learn your body, your body will thank you later for taking the time.
6. Be happy with drunk. Seriously, folks. You need to figure out when your happy drunk ends and the horror arrives. Do you need to take yourself to, or near, that regrettable point? Or can you have an amazing night when you're tipsy? For me, all I need is a little lightness in my head. I know that the second things look start looking like photographs in my head, I'm not having fun. I know that if I can't walk without the world swinging around, then I'm no longer having fun. I also know that if I get drunk enough, I'll have to deal with the spins when I get home and try to go to sleep. Nothing, in my opinion, is worse than that. Find the point that you need to reach to have the most fun, and stick with it! No need to keep drinking. You can always have more the next morning at brunch.
Whoa, you're thinking. Wait a mo. Is a nightlife promoter telling me to maybe drink less? Sorta, kinda, and not in a judgmental way AT ALL. Remember, as a promoter, all I want is for everyone to have fun. And no one's having fun if they're also having to hold their own puke in their hands.
We can get drunk and crazy and avoid all of that... so why not do it?
<3 Justin Luke