Friday, September 16, 2011
I'm a Criminal!
DEAR MR. LUKE
WE ARE A DEBT COLLECTION AGENCY AND WE WILL COME AFTER YOU IF YOU WE DO NOT RECEIVE PAYMENT IMMEDIATELY AS DUE. WE ARE OBLIGED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO INFORM YOU THAT, SHOULD THIS PAYMENT NOT BE MADE...
And then blah blah blah blah blah.
How exciting! I feel like Bonnie and Clyde, rolled into one gay blogger.
Well, I thought. Isn't this strange. I found it strange because I never don't pay bills. My credit cards hate me because I don't really use them for CREDIT. I just use them for convenience. I always pay my bills early, and in full.
And how much money was this horrible thing I hadn't paid?
Forty five dollars.
Yup! That's right. FedEx went ahead and sent debt collectors after me for the sum total of $45 unpaid dollars. Clearly a debt dodging of this caliber must be dealt with using the utmost force.
And I wonder... was it really worth it, FedEx? How much did it cost you to get those mean men on the phone so they could locate me and send me this letter threatening to come after me? How much of the forty five dollars will remain?
And even funnier: how was it that the debt collectors were able to find my address and send a letter to me, and yet you obviously could not, since you to date have YET to send me a bill for whatever this was? Which is why I haven't paid it?
Next question: did the debt collectors bother to take a look at my credit? And see that, no matter what type of bills I rack up, be they in the hundreds or thousands of dollars, I always pay them in full, early, and have never incurred a penny of interest in all my life?
What, did you assume I just decided to go hog wild and IGNORE a bill for $45? Was I feeling spicy and ducking from this heinously horrifying charge?
And finally, if I did NOT pay the bill, and ignored the debt collection agency... then what? Would they have to come find me at my apartment to take back what it's worth to settle said debt? Are they going to take two DVDs from my living room? Maybe a bottle of Stoli from my kitchen? Forty packs of gum? They can take one of my sneakers, if they like.
IT'S FORTY FIVE FUCKING DOLLARS, MORONS! Why not try sending me a BILL and watch me PAY it. Have your debt collectors send my CORRECT address to you so that I can go ahead and pay the bill that you have apparently sent enough times (to what I guess is the WRONG address) to incur the summoning of a debt collector?
This is amazing. I am picturing a stubbly, overweight, cigar-chomping guy at a metal desk in a Stetson hat. He has an ulcer and an ex-wife who never stops bugging him for alimony. He sees on the top of his desk his next assignment: an almost-thirty-year old New Yorker who's hiding from paying FORTY FIVE DOLLARS. He must be dealt with.
Will he come find me? Will I try to outrun him? Where will this adventure go next? I hope it ends up with me diving off a dam into the water below as he tries to grab me, with me swimming away cackling wildly.
- Justin Luke