check out the first one before you give this one a read.
And remember my disclaimer: use it if you think it's good advice, and DON'T use it if you don't! These are just tips I have gathered over my many years of breaking hearts and having my heart broken.
So here we are. You have decided that it's time for your beau to go... how do you make the cut? This isn't Project Runway or ANTM, so you can't just drop a catch phrase and cut to the scene of them packing their knives in the Top Chef kitchen. It requires more work. Unpleasant work. Nay, SHITTY work. But guess what? If you are doing the breaking up, you need to expect it to be dirty. Like slitting the throat of a chicken.
Here are a few tips for when it comes to the breakup:
1. It's Never the "RIGHT" Time
Basically what I mean by this is DON'T BE A COWARD. It will never, ever be a good day to break up with someone. Just like it's never a good day to get kicked in the balls. No matter when you break up with someone, they will ALWAYS have something to say about the day you did it. He broke up with me on my birthday! On Valentine's Day! A DAY BEFORE Valentine's Day! Two weeks AFTER Valentine's Day! On the anniversary of my dog's death!
Honestly, no one ever thinks of breaking up with someone on Valentine's Day. You were probably thinking about doing it for a long-ass time and finally couldn't take it any more. Once you've decided to break up with someone, do the both of you a favor and GET IT OVER WITH.
2. Be the Asshole
If you're breaking up with someone, you are always going to be the asshole. To make it as clean as possible, it is best to take ALL of the responsibility on yourself. It's your fault. You're the dick. You thought he was the one, and then you changed your mind. You're a depraved scumbag and a liar and you're so sorry you visited this horror on him.
It DOESN'T MATTER if your soon-to-be-ex is actually the asshole (or equal parts asshole). A breakup is a tiny bit easier when you steal their thunder, admit you're a dickface, and nod silently and sullenly as they repeat to you HOW MUCH of a dickface you are.
Because, in the end, who cares if he thinks you're an asshole? You're off to get single sex tonight.
3. Do it in person (or over the phone)
Only do it over the phone if you're far, far away from each other. Otherwise - do it in person.
NEVER break up with someone via Facebook or text or smoke signal. One: because it's shitty. Two: because there is now permanent proof on a social network, or your ex's phone, that you are a cockschmuck of the highest degree. And trust me, he WILL show everyone. There goes your reputation. All because you were too afraid to confront your guy face-to-face.
Again, break ups are SUPPOSED to be hard and uncomfortable. Stop trying to make them peaceful and rosy... it won't work. You owe the dumpee AT LEAST some respect. And you need to let him express his own feelings of anger/sadness/righteousness/whatever. It's just the human thing to do.
4. Don't Say Why
When you break up with someone, their first desperate clinging maneuver is to ask you why. Let me tell you right now: no matter how logical, realistic, honest, or simple you answer is, it will never be a good enough answer. If you're firm in your decision to end this, then end it. Don't tell them why.
Or if you MUST tell them why, tell them that you just can't. That it's not what you wanted. That you're not ready for something this serious RIGHT NOW (which is key, just in case you act like an idiot and start dating someone else two days later).
But guess what? All those answers are bullshit too. Who knows why you're breaking up with him? Well, you do. And that answer may range from: I met a hotter guy to I just wanna be slutty to I can't stand how high-pitched your voice is to any old thing.
The reason doesn't matter. What matters is that it's over. Don't belabor it.
5. Plead the Fifth
Once you have broken up with your ex, it is your job to SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT HIM. Don't start walking around town saying how small his dick is or how bad the acne on his back was. That's double shitty. Remember - you already broke his heart.
I don't care WHAT your ex says about you. When you hear it second-hand, shake your head, cluck your tongue, and say something like "I feel so bad I hurt him like that, he sounds really angry. I hope he can get over it soon." Why? Because he is destroyed, and he is angry. You might be too, but, again, say nothing about him. It's time to move on.
And that's the end of another Art of Breaking Up post. Stick around for another one next week. And if you have any particular questions you want me to address - let me hear them!