Friday, December 16, 2011
The Art of Breaking Up: How You Know It's Over
Over here at Justin Plus One, I've given a LOT of advice about dating, but most of it involves how to land the guy, how to keep the guy, and what to do with the guy once you get them.
But what about when it's time to ditch the guy?
Let's face it. Breaking up is as significant a part of a relationship as any other. To go into a relationship and expect it to last forever is a hopeful mentality, but it may not be completely accurate. You need to be comfortable with the notion of breaking up - because settling for something that's substandard, just because you don't want to be alone is both stupid and self-destructive.
SO I think I'm going to start a new advice series here: The Art of Breaking Up. It'll be a bunch of posts on breaking up DO's and DON'Ts. Tips I've amassed over my many years of dating, and breaking up with, guys.
Use what you will, ignore what you won't. I am merely offering this as a service!
- Justin Luke
WHEN DO YOU BREAK UP?
This is a big deal right here. Naturally, when we enter into a union with a guy, we're imagining it lasting forever. We get married on the beach, wake up every morning to breakfast in bed, and sing with cute forest creatures while we do our chores.
Of course, that doesn't always happen. So... when do you know you should break up? Here are some good reasons:
1. It's been a short time and you ALREADY have problems.
Pay close attention to this. All relationships should come with a Honeymoon period. It's where your partner is everything to you and your eyes are fluttering and you kiss and peck and Skype with each other every night. Your Facebook friends want to murder you because all you do is call each other "Kissy" on each other's walls, post pix of you kissing, and throw Hershey's Kisses at each other.
It won't last long, so enjoy it!
However, if you don't get that Honeymoon period, and are already fighting within a few days or weeks of dating... that's serious evidence that maybe this isn't what you're looking for. Everyone is entitled to a Honeymoon. If you're getting screwed in that department, take a deep breath and ask: why? If you're already incompatible and not getting along... what does the future hold?
Relationships get tougher over time, not easier. It's the physics of love. So if you're starting in a bad place... well, maybe you should go start in a different place with a different guy.
2. They don't give you what you want, even after you ask.
Do you need to be texted every day? Do you want your beau to ask you about your day? Are you expecting sex in the morning, afternoon, and night? Do they need to go out with you, or stay in with you?
You have EVERY RIGHT to have expectations of your relationship... because we go into relationships to make ourselves happier and complete ourselves. And your partner has every right to not give it to you if it isn't something they want to... because they're looking for happiness, too. That's compatibility, folks.
If you feel something is lacking, tell your partner about it. Talk to them. Don't play games. Come right out and say what you want, let him tell you what he wants, and come to a CONSENSUS (ie - you give a little, he gives a little... this can't be one-sided). If THAT happens, and your partner still doesn't fix it, it may be grounds for breaking up - you're just not compatible.
3. You catch them lying.
Lying is a BIG deal in relationships. Boyfriends need to be able to trust each other. And yes, the average human being tells up to 20 lies a day, but they tend to be white lies - lies that keep the world moving and peoples' feelings intact.
BUT if you catch your boyfriend lying to you, multiple times, it may be time to split up. But first, talk to them. Tell them that transparency is important. That you'd rather know than not know. If it continues... get outta there. You need to build trust and transparency, not walk around living in a world of doubt all the time. That's not enjoyable, and why be in something optional when you aren't enjoying it?
4. Your eyes wander TOO much
Do you find yourself wanting to bone every hot guy you pass? Well, that's still pretty natural. We're sexual beings. Seeing a gorgeous guy will almost ALWAYS grab our attention. A relationship is not a blindfold. We still have penises.
HOWEVER, if that attraction gets more tempting, if you feel like you're missing out or not living it up or just want to hop in a few more beds, it may be time to take a trip to Splitsville. Maybe you're not ready to settle down just yet.
A DISCLAIMER: this really only matters for recent relationships. I believe that all relationships should start with monogamy. At LEAST for a year. You need a baseline to start from.
If you and your partner have been together for years, and your eyes start wandering, I advocate some serious conversations. Perhaps you can open up your relationship a little bit? It's difficult, yes. It may not work, sure. But, as Dan Savage, the creator of It Gets Better has said: "Monogamy should not be the reason a perfectly good couple breaks up."
If your sex life is awesome, your relationship is awesome, and your love is strong AND all you are dealing with is a bit of excess testosterone and bonering... it may be worth talking over.
5. The sex sucks.
Let's face it! Sex is important. VERY important. And if the fornicating you're getting isn't worth the fornicating you're getting, it's time to hightail it.
Are you both stubborn tops? That's bad. Same for bottoms. Simple sexual compatibility is VERY VERY IMPORTANT. But what about when the issue is more... complex?
It's ALL about communication first. Each of us is hardwired a different way sexually. And unfortunately, we don't come with Fuck Manuals. If you want something of your partner you MUST tell them. Do you want them to slap you around? Maybe you want them to let you rim them. Maybe you wanna role play, or focus more on the nipples, or not shower after the gym.
If you know what gets you going, be sure to let THEM know, or you can't possibly hold them responsible for not meeting your needs. No one's a Sex Psychic.
And that's it for today, chaps! Let me know what you think of this. And stay tuned for more installments in The Art of Breaking Up.