Born This Way: After-Birth

So Gaga's new music video for Born This Way has hit. And it's hit like an atom bomb dropped square in the face of everyone who watched it. The video is an epic production the likes of which I haven't seen since Michael Jackson's Black or White and Remember The Time.

And I couldn't be happier.

So many people are screaming WHAT DOES IT MEAN!? Trying to figure out Lady Gaga's iPhoto mirror effect executed on her vagina. They ponder her Jack Skellington get-up. Her possible homage to the Wicked Witch in the horrific sequel to Wizard of Oz, Return to Oz.




And I say to you people trying to understand the video: STOP IT ALREADY! Do we really need to understand it? Are we SUPPOSED to understand it? Is there an intention for something to even be understood in the video? Maybe.

But I'm more for the belief that this video is meant to mean to you whatever it ends up meaning to you. Lady Gaga hasn't hidden away a Cracker Jack prize of deep worldly secrets for you to uncover. She just made an epic, entertaining, and (in my opinion) wonderful music video.

It's fun! It's playful! And yet, still with Gaga's trademark Addams' Family kookery. But Bad Romance was serious and dark and weird. Gaga's Born This Way is a little less serious, and I love her for it. She has done the shock and awe that got her noticed. Now she can just play out her kookiness and have fun while doing it.

And I applaud her! I miss the days when MTV played music videos all day long and so, to commemorate epic releases (such as the MJ ones listed previously), music MOVIES (they were so totally movies) would premiere at the front of prime time on major national channels. That was awesome. You gathered around the TV with friends and popcorn to see what crazy scenario MJ had cooked up for this song (and staging a song that talks about talking on the telephone in ancient Egypt? Oh Michael, I love you so.)

So just watch the video kids! Watch it again and again and again. Let it sit with you as you will have it sit. And stop going so damn crazy.

Oh, and to you wee ones who have never seen two of MJ's most epic music videos, I've placed them below for your musical education.






- Justin Luke

LADY GAGA'S BORN THIS WAY VIDEO!!!

Here it is! I'm watching it right now! AAAAHHH!!!






So... what do we think, Little Monsters??

- Justin Luke

Ke$ha's New "Blow" Video is What You See Right Before You Die

Britney Spears and Lady Gaga are fighting tooth and nail for pop dominance this month. First Britney releases a single. Then Gaga releases a single. Then Britney releases a music video. So Gaga releases two music videos.

This fight will get crazier and crazier as time goes on, I guarantee it. By the end, they will each be releasing singles and ten music videos simultaneously, before going on tour together as a truce.

Now, since she's nowhere near the level where the two divas are doing battle and throwing ninja stars at each other, Ke$ha has no true competition for her throne, whatever that throne may be.

So why SHOULDN'T she make a new video for her single "Blow," where she's eating tiny hors de oeuvres with mythological unicorns? And why doesn't she babble meaningless crap at the beginning of it? And why SHOULDN'T James Van Der Beek guest star?

This is probably what heroin addicts see when they're going through rehab. Or dying. Nothing like a Mortal Kombat battle-turned furry orgy in the middle of the land of Narnia to see you to your grave.

Oh Ke$ha, whatever drugs you are on, please send some my way. On second thought, don't.

My friend, Mikey Mo, brought up the fact that snogging with a unicorn might be dangerous. My response was:

Do you disagree?

Any way, take a look at the video and let me know what YOU think of "Blow."




- Justin Luke

The Gym Can Go Suck It

Newsflash, my dear readers. Yours truly hates the gym. No, perhaps that isn't STRONG enough. I abhor it. Nay, I abominate it. I would kick it down a flight of stairs were it a sentient being that could indeed be kicked.

And this is a shitty, shitty reality. I know many people who LOVE the gym. Nothing makes them happier than pumping on some tunes and hitting the weights and cardio machines for two hours.

No pain, no gain! They scream through their protein shakes.

Lift! Lift! RAWR! They bellow as they benchpress heavier and heavier stacks of metallic poundage.

And then there's me, who can't even muster up the desire to put on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt to walk ONE BLOCK to my gym.

Why? Am I lazy? No, not really. I walk all over this city, forgoing public transportation for my own two feet. I recently began pro-wrestling lessons that meet 3 times a week for 2 and a half hours each session where I get plenty sweaty, albeit by rolling around with jacked straight guys who STILL have no idea that I'm a raging queen.

To be honest, friends, I just find the gym boring. Walking to nowhere on an elliptical. Returning to the same damn machines and exercises. It makes my skin itch. It makes my heart sink. I would rather have someone kick me in the groin for an hour, so long as I could play Playstation while they're doing this.

Also, let me put it out there: even when I was a skinny twink (many, many years ago), I did not achieve this by working out. No, I instead resorted to unabashed anorexia. It's true. I'd rather starve and contend with the rumbling in my stomach then walk across the parking lot next to my dorm to go do my gay duty in my college's well-appointed Health and Wellness Center. I just couldn't do it!

So here's me on an elliptical:

Minute One: Yes! I am into this!

Minute Five: Hey, I wonder what's on TV

Minute Eight: Fuck. Nothing on TV.

Minute Ten: Oh look! A hot guy doing squats!

Minute Twelve: Why can't I look that hot doing squats.

Minute Thirteen: Has it been forty five minutes yet?

Minute Fourteen: Fuck.

Minute Sixteen: Now it HAS to have been forty five minutes!

Minute Seventeen: FUCK ME JESUS!!

Minute Eighteen: ::silence, Justin has headed home::

This sucks two-fold because the human body has determined that the only way to stay fit and sexy is to blast your quads, bis, gluts, and pecs to oblivion in order to get that delicious curvature and tautness that so many gay men determine to be a pre-requisite to even allowing you to buy them a drink.

I'm not a FAT guy, mind you. But I'm certainly not lean or toned. This fact doesn't please me. But, goddammit, even though I'd LOVE to be able to shrug off all of my clothing and pad around Hell's Kitchen in a bikini thong and have everyone get hit by cars because they cannot take their eyes off of my bulges and curves, I just cannot go through with the work side of it. I go to the gym once and wonder when the fuck my six pack plans on showing up.

I then go out and drink to drown the sense of failure.

I wish this could change, but it is a fundamental flaw in my character. When I DO get myself to the gym, the effort isn't put into lifting or running - I have the physical capacity to do so. No, it is ALL an internal battle to not scream at the top of my lungs, fling my towel at the next muscle stud passing by, and stomp home furious that I wasted my time.

I even have a membership to New York Sports Clubs, which I bought thinking that if I spent $100 a month on a membership, that the investment would stir my loins enough to get me to the gym. Not so.

I actually get monthly cards from NYSC:

Dear Justin, thank you for sending us $100 for the hell of it. We love you. Maybe you'd like to send more next month? Here's an envelope.

I'm sure there's more I can be doing with this $100, but, hell, if I'm too stubborn to go to the gym, I figure this expenditure is self-inflicted punishment for my bullish behavior.

What about you?

How do you view the gym? Do you love it? Do you like it? Are you just amazing at overpowering your contrasting desires to do basically anything else besides lift and run in place?

Would love to hear your take.

- Justin Luke

Wanna Have Sex Tonight? This Wii Game Can Help!

Yesterday I gave my opinion on the gayest board game of all time, "Be A Broadway Star!" Check out the post, it's pretty fucking gay.

But it's one thing to roll dice and execute your best version of Jazz Hands or your best imitation of Bernadette Peters. That's all well and good.

But sometimes you're just hanging out at your one bedroom apartment in Chelsea with your 9-inch-dicked swinger boyfriend and another equally well-hung swinger couple, and all you really want to do is deep throat each other on your new sofa from CB2 before breaking out the Gun Oil water-based and burying yourselves to the hilt in each other's nether regions.

HOW DO YOU ACHIEVE SUCH A SEXY FEAT?

Alcohol can help. Drugs probably wouldn't hurt. A round of "friendly massages" or a sudden attack of "Tickle Torture" might also do the trick. But this is 2011! We're not stuck in the homo Stone Age! Luckily for us there is now a new innovative solution to slutting it up with a group of your friends.

Game publisher Ubisoft and Wii have just the thing for you and your slightly-shy but horny as all hell friends! It's a new game called We Dare (shocked they didn't name it "Wii Dare," but I digress.) The long and the short of it is: you have a whole range of mini games that basically put you in the position to make out with, spank the fuck out of, and strip down to your bare essentials with the people you're playing with.

Think of it like Mario Sex Party.

Or Wii Water Sports.

Of course you can play the game innocently... but why just press a button to spin through rings as you fly around a magical castle when your friend you want to bone can shove the Wiimote into the back of their new Armani jeans so you can SPANK the button and caress that bubble butt they've been squatting to perfection at David Barton?

I wish I could put the trailer here, but you're going to HAVE TO click this link to watch the video (Ubisoft has basically removed the video from US sites). My favorite part has to be ALL the laughing. This is SO funny! Giggling like school girls really works well as a social lubricant before you expose your six pack and pecs to your gaming partners.

Oh, and the Wii People engaging in the on-screen activities make my day too. So innocent and wide-eyed. They have no idea that their feats of digital daring are being used as an excuse for guys to whip out their genitals to receive optimal oral pleasure.

It really is something else.

I'm wondering if the game comes with a "penis periphery" to add to the Wiimote. If not, that's a total missed opportunity.

- Justin Luke

The GAYEST Board Game of All Time!

Are you gay? Are you a show queen? Are you sometimes afraid that you and your gay show queen friends aren't GAY ENOUGH?

Oh, my fiery flamy feathery friends, LOOK NO FURTHER!

Here is "Be A Broadway Star!" the board game! You cannot make this stuff up.

It looks like a fruity mix between Monopoly and Cranium, and the moment that MADE MY DAY is the boy who starts swaying his bottom boy butt in some sort of a challenge during the game. (You need to click the link above to see the video... they won't let me embed it!)

Epic! My friends! Epic! Not since "Hungry, Hungry Hippos: Top and Bottom Bareback Orgy Edition" and "Monopoly: Poppers and Pull-Out" has there been anything this gay involving dice and playing pieces.

And just think: when the game is over, you can just start shoving all the playing pieces up your ass while singing like Liza!

Get your copy today! It's more fun than making fun of the injuries to Spider-Man actors!

- Justin Luke

Be the FIRST TO KNOW When That Hot Guy is SINGLE!

I can't tell if this new app for Facebook is creepy, genius, or a little of both. Or neither. I also can't tell if I should "like" it, or caution everyone to KEEP AWAY.

It's called BREAKUP NOTIFIER. And that's exactly what it does: tells you when someone has left their relationship.

You set up a list on Facebook of all the taken dudes that you want to grab up, and then the notifier lets you know THE SECOND they are single, so you can strike while the iron is hot and they're looking for "Forget-Him Sex".

Now, one thing no one seems to be saying here: if there's a guy you REALLY want who's taken... well, then, you're probably Facebook stalking the fuck out of him already, so you WILL BE THE FIRST TO KNOW WHEN HE'S SINGLE ANYWAY.

Duh.

Now what's more important: will BREAKUP NOTIFIER notify us when someone goes from In a Relationship to "It's Complicated"? That's REALLY the time you need to be going after them. You want to hit them when they're weak and filled with doubts. You want to be jogging past their place in the morning when they leave for work in that pair of shorts that pulls at your ass just right as you bounce by. You want to be at the party where he went by himself because his current boyfriend "Just Wasn't In The Mood." That's when victory is most apparent.

If you wait til they're single, you are more than likely way too late, and probably didn't deserve the guy in the first place. Put the effort in, boys!

Of course, if you're a truly soulless asshole, you can just skip downloading BREAKUP NOTIFIER and go ahead and convince the guy you want to just cheat on his significant other. Before It's Complicated or he gets into an Open Relationship. All it takes is a few well-timed drinks and that cute skinny strap tank you bought at Uniqlo or American Apparel. Just shove your junk in his face when he's tipsy on too many Appletinis and BOOM! Now YOU'RE the BREAKUP NOTIFIER.

Huzzah.

See you in hell, you homewrecker! 

- Justin Luke

See Fergie from Black Eyed Peas... Before She Was Fergie.

The year was 1984, and things were different back then. Women got perms. And wore shoulder pads. The government wouldn't admit that AIDS and HIV existed. Nintendo had just come out. Oh, and the entire media world was dead-set on turning every last child gay.

Enter "Kids Incorporated," a show I never actually watched. It's true! I had no idea this show existed. I was too busy frying my brains watching Nickelodeon. Or being 2 years old. WHATEVER! Most of you kids weren't born for another decade after this!

Anyway.

Watch this video. Keep an eye on that lil blonde girl. Look familiar? That's Stacy Ferguson. Also known as Fergie. Seriously. You can't make this shit up.



- Justin Luke

The Day When Two Gay Boys Kissed for 33 Hours

Who doesn't enjoy watching two hot gay boys snogging? Raise your hand. Any hands? No. I didn't think so. But how many of us would ever expect that two hot gay boys kissing could win a Guinness World Record? Yeah. No hands.

Enter two friends of mine, Matty Daley and Bobby Canciello, who rocked the gay (and straight) world by bringing the World Record for Longest Continuous Kiss to the gay side of the yard. When this happened, the boys were everywhere! Stephen Colbert took a kindhearted swing at them, Perez Hilton hooted from the mountaintops, gays everywhere else ran home to masturbate.

If you don't think about the having to pee, the chapped lips, the atrophied muscles, this is a hot scenario. But let us not downplay the hard work involved. They were NOT ALLOWED TO TAKE THEIR LIPS OFF OF ONE-ANOTHER. That hurts! It's one thing to make out with a guy, and it's another thing to not be allowed to stop making out with him for 33 hours. 33 hours! I don't think there's any activity I could do for 33 straight (or in this case, gay) hours. You?

Well, now Bobby and Matty's kissin' tale is available for all to enjoy in their upcoming documentary: Our Lips Are Sealed. It's about to begin its festival run. In the meantime, be sure to watch the trailer down below.

Romeo and Juliet: Gay, Military Style!

Okay, YES I love movies with hot gay men. And YES I love hot gay men in hot army uniforms. But, dammit! I am SO over re-interpretations of Shakespeare! Seriously, we need like, a moratorium on all silly Shakespeare adaptations for about 15 years. THEN people can start performing the ACTUAL Shakespeare again.

It seems like anyone with a camera and a head wants to do a Shakespeare remake.

"It's Hamlet... but in the middle of the Vietnam War!"

"It's Two Gentlemen of Verona... in the ghetto of Baltimore!"

"It's A Winter's Tale... except they're all time-traveling space monkeys!"

Enough! Enough! Enough!

But, despite my fury... I am tempted by gayness and militaryness. Also, hey, who knows? Maybe they'll have something novel and meaningful to say about gays, love, and gays loving in the military.

So, without further ado... enjoy the trailer for YET ANOTHER Shakespearian remake: Private Romeo.




- Justin Luke

The Party Line: Britney or Gaga!?

This week, Facebook exploded. And all it took were two names: Britney Spears and Lady Gaga. The second my business partner (and creator of BoiParty.com) Alan Picus dropped our fancy promo for our Lady Gaga vs. Britney Spears party this Thursday at Splash, everyone jumped to respective sides.

The sides, as I can tell are:

1. Gaga is the best
2. Britney is the best
3. Both are awesome, must I choose?
4. Neither are good, I prefer listening to Arcade Fire or obscure indy music featuring people howling and banging on pans and flatware.

But people are getting vicious! VICIOUS I TELL YOU! And well, where do I fall? Well, fuck, I guess I go with choice 3. I will jam out to either diva on my iPod. I may prefer dancing to Britney's music at the club, but let's not forget that Britney's music is written and polished by Ivy League grads who have been trained on what notes, chords, and beats will best please our brains. Meanwhile, Gaga is a fucking talented genius who has been playing piano since she was 5, and has actually written a bunch of Britney's songs.

Plus, Gaga wrote a gay anthem... where's Britney's? Spears will sooner sing a song asking people to fuck her, or about slutty threeways before she'll give a shout out to her fruity followers. Why Brit Brit? All that's left is us... and 12-year-old girls who haven't abandoned you for Bieber.

Either way, I'd love to know where YOU fall on the Gaga/Britney divide, and I also want to make an announcement:

MTV WILL BE AT SPLASH THIS THURSDAY AT NINE THIRTY!

I'm serious. They'll be there taping fan reactions to the worldwide premiere of "Hold It Against Me". So if you want your pretty face on TV, be sure to get to Splash WAY early.


Oh, and another EXCLUSIVE HOOK-UP:

Check out the mash-up that our Lady Gaga and Britney Spears impersonators will be performing to after midnight!



  Britney Vs. Gaga 1 by joeredhead

Jackie Coxx (as Britney) and Frostie Flakes (as Gaga) will be battling it out under the watchful eyes of myself, DJ Steve Sidewalk, Austin Helms, and The A-List's TJ Kelly. So bring your signs, shirts, and fan gear. Only ONE diva can win!

Get ALL the info on the party RIGHT HERE.

- Justin Luke

Don't You Just Want to KILL Slow Sidewalk Walkers?

I don't know about you, but I'm a quick walker. In fact, the way I traverse the streets and sidewalks of New York City might be better classified as a "somewhat slow sprint."

Why? Because I've got somewhere to go! And fuck, man, it's cold and loud out there! Until the weather gets better and people stop sitting on their horns, I will forever treat my traveling outside in Manhattan as a means to an end - with the means sucking my balls backwards and the end being always too far out of my sight lines.

Well, guess what? If you're like me, and secretly steam and ponder kicking slow-walking fools in front of you on the sidewalk, you may actually suffer from a newly proven condition: SIDEWALK RAGE.

According to The Wall Street Journal:

"Researchers say the concept of "sidewalk rage" is real. One scientist has even developed a Pedestrian Aggressiveness Syndrome Scale to map out how people express their fury. At its most extreme, sidewalk rage can signal a psychiatric condition known as "intermittent explosive disorder," researchers say. On Facebook, there's a group called "I Secretly Want to Punch Slow Walking People in the Back of the Head" that boasts nearly 15,000 members."

Well of course it's fucking real! I mean, I feel it every time I get stuck behind a group of chatty Long Island girls giggling and galumping out of Penn Station. Or a bunch of tittering tourists who think the stickers on a Times Square pay phone are SO hilarious that they MUST take pictures with them. Or some purple haired octagenarian who is sighing in frustration and stopping for no apparent reason in my way.

OUT OF THE WAY FUCKERS! It's a sidewalk, not a sidestandthereandpickyourunderwearoutofyourasscrack!

Make it work!

Luckily, the WSJ article also gives us a hit list of who to be on the lookout for:

"Most people on a sidewalk are in groups, and they tend to walk side-by-side or in an outward-opening V-shape, impeding the flow of foot traffic, according to an article published recently in PLoS One, a Public Library of Science journal.  

People slow down when distracted by other activities, too. A 2006 study by the City of New York and the NYC Department of City Planning showed smokers walk 2.3% slower than the average walker's 4.27 feet per second. Tourists creep along at an 11% more-leisurely rate than the average walker, while cellphone talkers walk 1.6% slower, according to the study. Headphone wearers, by contrast, clipped along at a 9% faster rate than average."

So there you have it. Bitch slap every smoker, phone talker, and tourist you see, and maybe they'll flee from you in horror instead of taking a stroll like they're some promenading couple in the luscious gardens of Mid-Century England.

I really don't think it's me. Don't we ALL just want to get where we're going? Unless we're on a major shopping thoroughfare, or in Central Park, or by some holiday display windows, we're trying to get somewhere!

My fury at slow packs of walking slug-people is only bested by absolute biggest pet peeve of all time: people who take photos of each other all the way across a sidewalk, and take their sweet time doing it. Come on people. HOW ENTITLED DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? You are hogging up an entire 5-people's worth of space so you can get a shot of your best girlfriend looking all fake-slutty next to the Chicago the Musical posters? MOVE IT!

Man. I'm getting heated. I'm going to go for a walk to cool down.

Wait. DAMMIT!

(Special thanks to Erin for the tip on this article)

- Justin Luke

The End of Humanity: A Robot is Kicking Ass on Jeopardy

This is the sort of thing you'd have read about in a futuristic Sci-Fi novel. And yet, here we are today. Robots, formerly used for building widgets and wodgets, adequately vacuuming our floors, and trying to kill Sara Connor, are now invading our game shows, and doing a damn fine job of making our smartest humanoids look like fools.

I am speaking specifically of Watson - a giant super-computer the size of a room full of refrigerators. He comes from the nerdy, under-sexed geeks at IBM who use the few minutes they have between sweaty masturbation sessions to build computers that embarrass the rest of us with their knowledge.

Just watch the video below. That's Watson taking on Ken Jennings and Brad Rutter the man with the longest win streak on the show, and the man who has taken home the most cash from the contest. This, however, was just a dress rehearsal. Since that fated night in January, the nerds have had more time to ramp up the brains inside of Watson's sexy flat panel screen of a head. They haven't fixed his voice, though, which, every time I hear it, I am shocked that it's not issuing driving directions from a dashboard.

Anyway, this week is when you'll want to watch Jeopardy. So you can cheer for humanity. Or wonder how we've gotten to a point where a fucking tin can can answer questions as quickly as our smartest actual-people. You'll also probably be terrified by Watson's nonplussed voice. Couldn't they have thrown an emotion chip in there with all those processors? He'd be a lot more likable if he had the voice of Marilyn Monroe or Mickey Mouse. Instead we get I, Robot, who answers "Potent Potables" in a way that you may wonder if the next words out of his mouth will be "Must Slaughter Everybody."

Spooky. Fuck you robots. Go back to playing chess!



- Justin Luke

Happy Two Studs in Underwear Rolling Around in Bed Day!

The Valentine's treats just keep coming! This one comes thanks to a Facebook friend of mine, Nick.

I agree with him: this video is better than the first. We see faces. A better angle. More skin, and more wrassling! And it seems to be for the same purpose: gender equality! Why do girls get to be the only people rolling around with their hot selves on a bed? Bring in the boys!

But I guess that's up to you. Which is hotter? (Or, rather, must we choose? Both can hold a special place in our hearts!)




- Justin Luke

Happy Bouncin' Boy Butt Day!

To all of you with Valentines, and to those of you without them, I give you this gift. Two hot guys bouncing their asses for God knows what reason (when guys that look like this are doing something like that, do they even NEED a reason?)

Watch, and do what you will with it. Hell, grab a hot friend of yours and shoot a copy of the video - it'll make you an instantaneous YouTube celebrity. I guarantee it.

Now, let the booty bouncing begin.




- Justin Luke

Ecstatic Black People Holding Chocolate Hearts

Perhaps you've seen the recent blog posts featuring the silly world of Stock Photography. I'm speaking mostly of Women Laughing Alone With Salad and Happy Black Women Shopping.

Well, I'm adding my own Valentine's Day spin on this with my own post: Ecstatic Black People Holding Chocolate Hearts.

Feel free to share!

But don't fret! Asians and Senior Citizens are also happily represented...

- Justin Luke

WONDERLAND the Musical is Almost Here!

If you're a showqueen like me, you fall on one side of the fence, or the other, when it comes to Frank Wildhorn. Either you love the guy, no matter his foibles. Or you hate him because you think he's a talentless hack who just keeps getting more chances despite his idiocy.

Based on the $150 I just spent on tickets to see "Wonderland," Wildhorn's latest tuner, I'd put myself on the more optimistic side of the fence.

I'm sorry, I think Jekyll and Hyde was a spooky, gothic, great-sounding show. I even loved The Scarlet Pimpernel. Sure, the Civil War blew. And Dracula sucked (even I can admit that).

But this teaser video of WONDERLAND, complete with the song I imagine is titled "Through The Looking Glass" looks great and has that signature Wildhorn pop diva not-at-all-complex-but-completely-fucking-pleasing multi-part harmony.

Sign me up. You'll see me there. I recommend you check out the video too!




- Justin Luke

Penis Monsters, Man-Eating Beds, and Evil Lamps... Oh My!

There are so few good horror movies out there. In fact, I could list for you the best (and basically only good) horror movies ever created right now: The Exorcist. The Ring. Black Swan. Possibly Cloverfield. Yup! That's it. Everything else is stupid, not-scary, cheaply scary, or a waste of everyone's money and time.

Want an example of how BAD horror can get? Read on.

The Onion's sister publication, AV Club has just recently begun putting out a weekly video series online called Inventory. And the newest episode of the short is a doozy.

This week they sit around a table and speak rather seriously about three of the most absurd and ridiculous horror movies I've ever heard of. The accompanying video clips and explanations of everything from an evil inanimate lamp, to a bed that devours people, makes itself, and then goes back to sleep again, to cigarette-smoking Penis Monsters makes this a wonderful five minute trip for a Friday near-afternoon.

And it begs the question: why do people who suck decide to make horror movies? I feel like there are SO MANY MORE bad horror movies than there are bad versions of any genre. Basically anyone thinks they can make horror: just mix in some tits (or dude's asses), some blood, some screams, and voila! Instant Shit-O-Rama. Scary only because you realize you've wasted hours of your life that you'll never get back.

Anyway. Look at these terrible horror movies. Seriously. They are the pits. But in a hilarious way, at least.



- Justin Luke

Choose Your Own Adventure - Television Style!

A new show is about to premiere on TV, one where you'll NEVER be able to say it sucks. Because you will be the one writing it.

Sounds pretty intriguing, no? Well, I'm certainly intrigued.

Check this out:



The channel is Current TV (what channel IS that, anyway?) The show is called Bar Karma. According to its producers (and marketers):

"A TV series about a bar where lost souls can change their destiny... developed by our audience who controls their fate.  Bar Karma. World premiere Friday. February 11 at 10/9c on Current TV. 

Harnessing innovative technology from the mind of video game legend Will Wright and storytelling expertise from television hitmaker Albie Hecht, Bar Karma will revolutionize the way TV is made.  And that's by including you in the creative process. 

Utilizing Will Wright's StoryMaker Engine, you decide the creative direction for Bar Karma, the first community-developed television series. Impress the Bar Karma producers and community with your suggestions, and your name just might end up in the credits. 

Our characters may help decide the fate of others, but you decide theirs.  It's not reality television; it's real television made by real people.  Including you."

Okay. That sounds pretty awesome. Also, the tie-in with Will Wright, creator of The Sims, also known as the man who made it socially acceptable to pee on the floor when you can't get to the bathroom,  place dirty dishes on the floor when you can't find an empty surface, and dying when you're trapped between two strategically placed chairs, is genius.

It's like Sims... except the SIMS ARE REAL! It's soylent green without all the people-eating. WITHOUT ALL THE PEOPLE-EATING!

In a world where I'm forced to choose between staring at Kim Kardashian's giant ass, or listening to the giant asses that can talk on Jersey Shore, I'm happy to finally be given scripted TV with an element I can control. It's smart. It's dangerous. Let's see how it does.

Anyway, I'll be DVRing this as soon as I figure out where the fuck Current TV is. I suggest you do the same.

- Justin Luke

WICKED the Musical as an ANIMATED MOVIE?

Just do it, Wicked. Just do it.

Thank God for the Internet and creative people. Joe over at Red All Over just posted a super-fan's homemade storyboards for a pitch for an ANIMATED MOVIE of Wicked. What a spectacular idea! Why has no one thought of doing this?

Of course it's perfect - live action movie musical of Wicked might be fine... but an animated version will put Disney on notice. It has all the makings of an animated movie... and it would definitely be a first.

This also could start a new trend I'd be VERY happy to see: Broadway Musicals becoming cartoons. Of course! Such an amazing idea! I can't even begin to get into how smart this would be. If anyone knows Stephen Schwartz, make sure he gets a load of this!

No more blathering from me. Check out the storyboards!


Defying Gravity Storyboards from Heidi Jo Gilbert on Vimeo.
- Justin Luke

Make a Video of Johnny R U Queer, Win $1,000!

Not only are they hot... they also want to give you ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS.

The world is filled with wannabe YouTube stars. Crazy gays and straights who turn on their webcams or grab their Flipcams and shoot themselves doing dumb, silly, ridiculous things, all of them hoping for a shot at the spotlight of the Internet.

And usually, these people do it for FREE. The fools.

Well, I figured it was time for me to give you guys the TRUE hook-up: a way to win $1,000 for doing stupid shit on video!

Josie Cotton, a drunken woman (here shown with two guys I'd sleep with if they looked at me with even the least bit of invitation gleaming in their eyes) is offering $1,000 (and other runner-up cash prizes) to the intrepid YouTube whore who creates the MOST POPULAR video of her classic tuner, Johnny R U Queer.

Are YOU that brave soul? Are you willing to strip down to underwear, make out with hot guys, show a bit of butt crack - basically any desperate thing in order to get the MOST views? I think it's smart if you do. We're still in a recession! $1,000 is a lotta donuts (and only a few less martinis).

If so, make your sexy sultry silly video and I will help you FREE OF CHARGE to win. If I decide your video has viral potential, me, combined with BoiParty.com will MAKE SURE you win by getting you thousands of views. Just make the video and show us you got what it takes!

Here's Josie and her stunningly gorgeous male friends babbling both incoherently and adorably and explaining how the contest works. NOW GET TO WORK!




And when you're done watching that, get ALL OF THE CONTEST RULES RIGHT HERE.

You're welcome. Now go embarrass yourself and give other gay men something to masturbate to. It very well could pay your next month's rent!

- Justin Luke

Lady Gaga and Anderson Cooper: Double Gay Orgasm All the Way!

What happens when CNN's silver-haired Fox meets up with the reigning Queen of the Gays? Probably a lot! But you won't really be able to know until this coming Sunday.

Check out this tiny cocktease clip that shows us Lady Gaga trying (unsuccessfully) to take Anderson into her original NYC studio apartment. To whoever now lives in Gaga's apartment: fuck you for being a total killjoy!

And then see them squat on the apartment's stairs and riffle through a "memory box" where they find the first song Gaga ever wrote, at the age of seven: Dollar Bills.

Of course there's a lot more where this came from, but you'll have to wait til after The Grammys this Sunday, and you'll have to watch 60 Minutes.


Do many gays even watch 60 Minutes? Bet they will this week!



- Justin Luke

Winklevoss Twins v Winklevoss Twins: Which Ones are Hotter?!

Until Aaron Sorkin and David Fincher brought us The Social Network last year, you probably never heard of the Winklevoss Twins, unless, of course, you're a big fan of boys in tight rowing crew shorts and follow the appropriate blogs.

But now the Winklevi (as they are also apparently known) have been THRUST into the social spotlight! An interview series featuring the actual twins is now online. Frankly, I don't really care about what they say and who's a jerk and who's not a jerk.

I'm just wondering: who's hotter? The Winklevoss actors or the REAL DEAL?


The Real Deal



Only in Hollywood

Of course, we must be aware that The Social Network has a leg-up: all they needed was ONE smoking hot dude, and a lot of fancy computer technology to turn him into two people.

So I guess the ACTUAL question is: Who's hotter? The Winklevoss Twins or Armie Hammer times two?

I'll vote for Armie Hammer - because he makes me tingle in all of the right places, and because his parents obviously never heard of Arm and Hammer Baking Soda, or knew of it and are fucking cruel and hilarious people.

- Justin Luke

Christina Aguilera Must REALLY Hate America

Oh Say Can You... Ahh fuck! What comes next, y'all??

Oh Christina, you just can't catch a break, can you?

First your new album bombs, with its first music video being hailed as a "totally nonsensical Lady Gaga ripoff".

Then you cancel your tour because you "want to focus on your acting career" even though hushed whispers confirmed that you actually just couldn't sell enough tickets to fill the arenas you'd be performing in.

Then you release the outcome of your "acting focus" and it's Burlesque -  a pile of trash and laughable lines that threw both you AND Cher under the bus - and basically only served good by giving Dallas DuBois and Logan Hardcore-Slaughter a couple of really great scenes to lip sync to at their Fire Island pool brunch battles.

And then you went away for a while. Hid your head and tried to come up with a plan. And that plan became a SOARING rendition of our National Anthem, the Star Spangled Banner, at last night's Super Bowl.

And then you messed that up, too! Literally! You sang THE WRONG LYRICS to a song that most Americans have known since pre-school!




WHY CHRISTINA, WHY? You are doing those pipes, and that presence an IMMENSE disservice. I don't know what game of baseball YOU'RE playing, but usually this many strikes against a player results in going back to the dugout. Yet here you are, still swinging blindly, and taking out the catcher and umpire with your poorly-aimed swipes.

And before anyone starts laying into me for NOT CUTTING HER A BREAK, hear me out. YES I know it's a nervewracking experience to perform at the Super Bowl. Huge crowds. Live venue, all of that. But if you're a PERFORMER then you damn well better be prepared for this. Most people can sing the Star Spangled Banner while doing math homework or sleeping. It's THAT ingrained in our brains. What in God's name was going through her head that was enough to distract her from singing the song correctly?

Bad bad bad Christina. Lucky enough for you, most of your gay fans didn't watch the Super Bowl last night. Unlucky for you, gay bloggers like me are going to make sure they know of your flub.

The one positive thing about this? The fact that we finally have proof that NOT ALL Super Bowl performances are lip-synced with a backtrack. Thank God for that.

- Justin Luke

People Dying of AIDS is a Hilarious Joke! Everybody Laugh!

Throw this in the "Fucking Shameful and Outright Disgusting File" right next to anything the Radical Religious Right says, and the behavior of Fox News. This is a small clip from a press conference with the Reagan White House back in 1982. It boils my blood and bones to think that AIDS was ever referred to in this way (complete with laughter from the Press Corps).

Could you IMAGINE if someone made a joke about ANY disease that had killed 600 people in today's politics? They'd be forcibly removed from office and strung up in the town square.

What a horrifying time in our nation's history. People were dying from a disease they couldn't even understand, and here were a bunch of straight men in suits laughing at them like they had slipped on a banana peel.

Fuck, man. That's despicable.

- Justin Luke

Check Out Spider-Man Actor Hottie Andrew Garfield's RIDICULOUS ass!

Posts like this don't require all that much writing. All I will say is that we should force new Spider-Man Andrew Garfield to remain in his skintight spidey suit FOREVER.

Seriously! Someone get Bel Ami on the line! We've got their next Lukas Ridgeton right here!

I need a physicist or an anatomical expert to explain to me how a butt like this can exist without destroying the world and the coil of reality.

Oh, and this ass is only the cherry on the sundae, of course. Because, as far as I'm concerned, the front of Mr. Garfield is just as tantalizing.

- Justin Luke