Sex is hot. Who here doesn't love sex?
::crickets::
Okay, so besides the crickets, everyone here loves sex. How could you not? It's fun. It's relaxing. It's hot and sweaty and crazy and makes for great next-day brunch discussion fodder. And sex seems easy enough, right? Especially of the gay variety. Take one part dick, one part boy butt, combine and shake vigorously until a fine white foam emerges (well, if it's foam you should maybe make a clinic stop after finishing this post).
But no, friends! Plain sex is BOOOOORING. Just shoving parts of me in parts of you can be so uninspired, despite all the possible positions, locations, and added members to our fuck-y foray. Straight-up gay sex is the equivalent of a plain donut. And last time I checked the trays at my local Dunkin, that always seems to be the one that nobody bought. Well, that or the blueberry one. No one seems to like those either.
And so were born fetishes - little flavorful additions. Sexual sprinkles, frosting, and fillings for the plain jane borezo gay fuck donut. And I don't mind fetishes, friends. I support them, so long as both parties are equally compliant (also, both should be pliant as well to make the sex even better, fetish or not). I stopped by a foot party last night and it seemed like a good deal to me - you pay, get a free drink, and guys rub your feet and massage you for free. That's at least twenty dollars less than going to some salon where a woman who speaks anything but English rubs your toesies with a mask on her face that makes you feel like you're a walking carrier of Avian Flu.
But I digress. While I am accepting of ALL fetishes/Sex Donut Sprinkes, there are some that I just do not understand. Here are 5 of them...
5. Balloons and Sex.
My experience with the Balloon fetish was an interesting one. I had found a video on Xtube featuring a sexy coupling of muscled, hairless jocks. They were in a cabin and going at it from the first second of play. I was getting into it, building my way up, when suddenly BOOM! Balloons! Where did they come from? They weren't there before! But suddenly they were surrounded by a dozen multicolored balloons, which they jammed between their sweaty bodies. Had a clown snuck into the cabin and left his stash? Surely he'd be pissed when he came back from the bathroom to discover what they'd done to his party props. And the outcome of the balloon action was even stranger: big floaty blobs of color squeaking and flying in all directions. They would take breaks from blowing each other to BLOW BALLOONS. I have two things I don't understand about Balloon Nut Busting: what's so hot about doing it, and what's so hot about watching it?
4. Furries
If this hadn't happened after the popular series Twilight came out, at least there'd be a reason I could have to justify the popularity of Furries. But no, apparently men have been dressing up like The Fantastic Mister Fox since the dawn of time. The long noses. The furry costumes. Big fat dicks hanging out of fluffy white rabbit tummies. WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING HERE? A furry sex scene is like a porn directed by David Lynch. What is working for the Furries? Why do they suit up to do something normally done while naked? If the memo was ever sent to me, it clearly got eaten by a werewolf.
3. Farting.
I didn't know this was a fetish until I saw that Lucas Entertainment released a full video titled "FARTS!" (Note: you have graduated to fetish status if a porn company produces a full film featuring you.) The back cover copy, which I cannot cut and paste here because I am at my job, bragged about how all these men were farting! Beer farts! Wine farts! Water farts! All sorts of farts! When did farts earn a promotion from something frat boys lit with lighters to something porn actors posing as frat boys did to eachother for a masturbating audience?
2. Sounding & Scat
Two S's and a whole heap of WTF right here. Sounding I just learned about 30 seconds ago when I asked my
BoiParty Compatriot Mikey Mo for a weird fetish. He told me in no uncertain terms: "It's when you shove things in your dick hole." WHAT! WHAT! WHY!? Didn't you ever watch In and Out with Kevin Kline? There are IN holes and OUT holes! Good Lord! You need to watch that movie IMMEDIATELY. Hopefully it'll save your poor cock hole from being stabbed by pins and meat thermometers at least until the film ends. Christ.
And scat, which for so much of my life I always assumed was what cool black singers did during smokey jazz solos, also means when you poop on somebody. Watersports, while I don't partake in them, are at least not foul. Dropping a deuce on a guy? Not only is that smelly, it also can't POSSIBLY be healthy. I mean, I'm not going to get between your sheets and judge you for what you like to do in the privacy of your own home. I can GUARANTEE I won't do this if those very sheets are brown, but came from Bed, Bath, and Beyond immaculately white.
1. Human Rugging
There's a new international trend these days (according to
GG20 member Julian Ramirez). It's called Planking - where a person lies flat on their face in public places for a photo. Odd, right? Well I encountered something like this, but still stranger, three years ago. I was at one of the first-ever Bootie NYC mash-up music parties. Next to the bar I found a long, rolled up rug and a sign set next to it that said "Walk on Me Please." I then noticed a flap in the rug, which I opened, and came face to face with a man who smiled, bid me hello, and didn't react much as I screamed in shock and ran across the bar. Is this a fetish? If not, he's a very unique individual. but I've basically realized that if someone is doing something, there's a good chance that there are other someones doing that same something. So yep, Human Ruggers may be my top misunderstood fetish. He's something you'd expect to be a one-liner from SNL Weekend Update's cracked out gay boy, Stefan. Not an actual person wrapped in a persian and begging you to trample them.
- Justin Luke
