Wednesday, August 31, 2011

10 Reasons You SHOULDN'T Go Home With That Hot Guy


You're drunk, he's drunk. You're horny, he's horny. It's getting late. You're getting hornier. You take his hand and whisper into his ear: "wanna get outta here?"

He nods. You smile, and lead him to the door.

::sound of record scratching::

HOOOOOOLD UP buddy! Before you go ahead with your plan, here are some things to think about. Bringing a sexy stranger home with you (or going home with them) is risky business, and not in the STD-way (well, not only in that way). Have you fully considered what it entails?

Here are some things to consider.


10. He's not as cute as you think
Be sure to get your boy of the night in some clear, bright light. Even halogen ugly lights, like the kinds in all-night diners and electronics stores. You know the ones that could make ANYONE look hideous. Club lighting is VERY generous with all of its colors and angles and flashiness. It could make a barstool look gorgeous. So double-check with a friend or two. You want to be ABSOLUTELY SURE you're taking home what you are actually seeing, and not what you think you see.

9. He may be a clinger
Stage 1! Stage 1! You wake up in the AM and he's cuddling you like you've been married for a decade and your kids are screaming in the next room. He wants breakfast. He wants to make lunch plans. He crocheted you a pair of socks while you slept in the shape of your sleeping face. This is always a risk, and not something you can really tell up front USUALLY.

8. You may not be sexually compatible 
Honestly, it's TOTALLY okay to ask the guy if he's a top or bottom before you ask him home. And no, it's not rude or brash. You're about to ask him if he'll come home with you so you can get naked and suck and fuck each other. To ask where he likes to put what is HARDLY an inappropriate question. And don't think you can divine this information. Just because he's bouncing his booty on you does NOT mean he's a bottom. Check first to save the time.

7. He might not look as good naked
I know that some people are looking for pure physical perfection where one night stands are concerned. I support this. You're not looking for a husband, you're looking for nookie. So shouldn't this be the shallowest of decisions? Yes! So give him a squeeze here, there, and OVER there. Make sure he's not hiding things you don't like, or find a turn off, under a scientifically augmented pair of undies or shirt.

6. You have something important to do tomorrow
Okay. Seriously. Is something BIG happening tomorrow? A meeting? A job interview? An audition? Be effing responsible. If you can get him tonight, you can get him another night. Be smart and realize that there are SOME things more important than sex.

5. He may be TOO drunk
Whiskey dick? Ew! No no no. First of all, it's borderline creepy and slightly evil to get it on with a guy who's smashed. You don't want to wake up in the morning to find him screaming like Kevin from Home Alone next to you in bed. Also, if he can't get it up, keep his eyes open, or move his body without vomiting, chances are you don't want him in bed with you.

4. He may have a boyfriend
Cheater! Liar! Guess what? They exist. I suggest you ask him point blank. And maybe you ask some other people. You don't want to get your balls entwined in the brambles of drama by poking someone else's Pokemon. Unless they're open. But even then, they could be lying.

3. They could be a package deal you never wanted
That hot guy? Yeah, he may have a spooky Daddy that comes along with the deal. A sort of unwanted bonus you don't discover til you get to his place and a glandular Daddy Warbucks is waiting there, pulling at his pecker and leering at you.

2. You don't know where they live
Going home with someone is a commitment, one that's not easily broken. What if their home is in shambles? Or they're roommates with a crazy person? Or they live somewhere not near a subway? Be very careful to know WHERE you're going, before you go there.

1. He may be a thief
Imagine waking up to find out that your one-night-stand stole shit from your apartment, including one of your nightstands! Don't think this is impossible. I know people it's happened to. It's always good to do an impromptu background check - see if he knows ANYONE you know, and that the person you know can vouch for him.


Just... be sure to think through these things before you commit to going home with that guy. Be safe, be smart, and be SURE you know someone who knows them. It can help you eliminate MANY of these problems. With that, I wish you luck boys. Have fun out there!

Love,
Justin Luke
BoiParty.com

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

FOR FUCK SAKES! Be Smart. Be Safe.

I've noticed something recently that has been really upsetting me. Allow me to bitch for a half second: I am hearing from people about the unprotected sex that they have been having. It's hotter! They say. Plus, that guy I went home with said he was recently tested! It feels better! They claim.

Allow me to respond by saying: You are a fucking idiot beyond comprehension if you have bareback sex.

It blinds me with both rage AND disbelief when I hear about this. What happened? Why is HIV suddenly so NOT scary anymore? Because of the cocktail? Because it's been THAT long since the scary 80's? Because today's younger generation feels impervious? These are all terrible, terrible reasons.

For some reason people still see the face of AIDS as a man in his forties and fifties. HE can have HIV. Not this cutie I picked up at the club! Not that sexy guy down the street! He's too young. He could NEVER have HIV.

Again, stupid. And I have a lot of anger that I can direct at advertisers who pull punches and use kid gloves when they advertise the risk of HIV. I want to bankroll (and will bankroll, call me if you wanna do this) an ad campaign that goes right for your THROAT. People NEED to know that HIV is still as prevalent, if not more prevalent, than ever.

I want a huge poster that says: "Are you a fucking idiot? No? Then use a condom."

Because ANYONE can have HIV, folks. And there's one basically guaranteed way to avoid it: wear a fucking condom. Do I hate them? Absolutely I do. I could basically slam my dick in a door while wearing one and not even feel any pain. But it's still necessary. BEYOND necessary. It is IMPERATIVE.

Now, keep in mind, I am not telling you to have less sex. Or to NOT go home with that hot guy and get your rocks off. I fully support sexuality, even trivial one night stands. We can live and enjoy ourselves. But that doesn't mean we can turn off our brains, too. I don't care HOW drunk you are. I've been positively obliterated and still reached for a rubber. I've sent boys home who wanted to go at it raw. It's the equivalent of picking a gun off the street, sticking the barrel in your mouth, and pulling the trigger. Is there a bullet in the carousel? Maybe. Maybe not. But is tonight's sex really worth the chance?

Until there is a cure for AIDS and HIV, we all need to be smart. We can still be slutty, have fun, whatever. But, for God sakes USE COMMON SENSE.

YOU, TOO CAN GET HIV. And while there are treatments for it that help, IT STILL FUCKING SUCKS. I have talked to TOO many young guys in the past year who tell me they just tested positive. Their lives aren't ruined but you can bet your bottom (or top or verse) dollar that they wished they had been a little more careful.

It takes five seconds to pull a condom on. Just do it. Because our lives are complicated enough as it is, you don't need to add anything more to it.

And to the rest of you who are smart and are safe all the time, to you I say AWESOME JOB. Keep on being smart, and be sure to let everyone else knows. It's important. And just because gay men aren't dying of AIDS all over the place doesn't mean the virus isn't still sneaking around.

All my love,
Justin Luke
BoiParty.com

Monday, August 29, 2011

Jo Calderone Blows the Press Pool's FUCKIN MINDS!


Last night during the Useless Waste of Time From a TV Channel That Prefers Drunken Guidos to Music, I mean, whoops MTV Video Music Awards, Lady Gaga came as her boy-self, Jo Calderone. She delivered a monologue, almost made out with Britney, did a performance, and accepted awards on behalf of Gaga.

But what I love about Gaga is that when she does something, she does it ALL THE WAY. Proof? This hilariously awkward backstage video of Jo Calderone answering questions from the press who basically were having none of these shenanigans. Except for the woman from AOL Music. Thank you for playing along. The rest of you can go back to your coffins of boredom and type up some bullshit.

So what's YOUR OPINION? Was Jo Calderone awesome? Stupid? Whatever?

Watch the video and let me know!




- Justin Luke
BoiParty.com

Saturday, August 27, 2011

THE WANK BANK: Hurricane and Hotties Edition!

So what do members of Gorgeous, Gay and Twenty-Something do when they're stuck inside because of an oncoming hurricane? THEY GET NEAR NAKED AND TAKE PIX!

Seriously. This is what they do. So, as the creator of the group, I felt everyone else who's stuck inside might enjoy some... material... to keep you busy til we're allowed back out again!

Hope it does the trick!

<3 JL
BoiParty.com































Friday, August 26, 2011

Um... So Are We All Going to Die?


I don't know if this is just me, or most people, but I spend most of my time disconnected from world news. I'm plenty connected, but mostly in a social network or in-person social sense. Living in New York City is sort of a bubble that way. You don't have the time to sit down on the couch and turn on the news. You're reading novels, seeing shows, going to bars, working at a day job. And so maybe you miss some things that so many other people are aware of.

Take, for instance, this bitch of a hurricane named Irene (not cool that we're about to apparently be clobbered or worse by a hurricane named after every diner waitress in America.) "More coffee, Hon? How about I knock your power out and smash all your windows? Okay sweetie, take your time, I'm here all night."

Um, so I actually took a few minutes today to look at these things called news websites. And now I'm sorta scared. A Gawker article is saying that scientists and mathematicians are forecasting that NYC's subway system could end up flooded, that everything could be wrecked. That's pretty fucking scary. This past week when we experienced our little aftershock from the mini DC quake, I felt something I haven't felt since September 11th: vulnerable. And it was a scary feeling to remember.

There's something about being in this city. You work, you play, you climb skyscrapers and go beneath the ground to zip along the island. You can find yourself staying on this tiny island for WEEKS without escaping its 10+ miles of space. Why? Because everything's here. And we're a bubble. A very lucky bubble that has ::knock on wood:: faced minimal amounts of TRUE tragedy through time.

Until, apparently, this weekend. Well fuck! What's going to happen? Will we lose power? Are cars going to be flying around like that cow in Twister? Will there be looting and rioting? What will be destroyed and what will be saved? Should I be fucking hightailing it out of town right now, leaving the rest of my stuff to be ruined? Or do I stay put and it turns out to be nothing?

Lord knows my mother is panicking. The news is panicking. EVERYONE is panicking. And yet, here I am at my day job. There we were last night partying and drinking at Splash. I just think so many New Yorkers assume it'll go off-course or weaken to the equivalent of a strong sneeze. We feel impervious, super-powered. We're NEW YAWK FUCKIN CITY, BITCHES! ::groin grab:: I sure hope that's the case.

And I'm scared of losing my creature comforts... I'm BIG into those. No Internet? I'll go batty. No power? Motherfuck! No WATER? Jesus Christ!!! Can you imagine? I can't. And I don't want to. I'll just lie down on my couch with my boyfriend, go to sleep, and pray our windows don't blow in on us or something.

Listen, guys. Just... be safe, okay? And try to stay connected to some sort of news source, just in case this fucker ends up being as bad as the worriers are claiming.

Read "How to Prepare for a Hurricane"

<3 JL
BoiParty.com

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Ten Go-Go Boys Walk Into A Diner (GULLIVER'S TRAVELERS SNEAK PEEK!)


Okay, so as you know, I published a novel called Gulliver Travels.

Do you know that, to meet the demand of Gully's fans, I also just began a short story series called Gulliver's Travelers? It's true!

The first one, Brayden's Sweet Revenge is available RIGHT NOW as an eBook. The second story, Marty's Big Break, will be on sale September 1st.

And then comes the 3rd one, Chase's Neverending Night. The star of this tale is none other than Chase Winterman, Gully's 3rd-time's-a-charm lover from the original novel. He's a go-go boy with a lot going on. Here's a sample of the story, which is due out October 1st!

<3 JL


Raffy has discovered a fiver in my ass crack. Don’t ask me what he was doing back there… something about reenacting how the guy he hooked up with last night was eating his ass.

“Gurl, what you been eatin’!?” he asks, yanking the bill out of the back of my tiny orange shorts. He waves it around in the air, gives it a good sniff, and crinkles his nose. “Yuck! You should probably leave THIS as the tip.” Then he thrusts into me a few times while howling my name aloud, rattling my teeth with the force.

Our waiter watches this display silently and then whispers, “You like more coffee, sir?” Our booth of ten explodes in laughter as he refills our cups and rushes back to the kitchen.

I take the bill out of Raffy’s hand and add it to the stack in my wallet. This means that I made $409 tonight, which might be the most I’ve ever made in a single night. Celebration was called for, which is why I’ve actually ordered food this week instead of sitting pretty and mooching off the other guys.

Raffy (Boss Spice), David (Easy Spice), Jake (Fruity Spice), Luis (Spicy Spice), Franky (Cocky Spice), Nick (L.I. Spice), AJ (Joisey Spice), Conrad (Stud Spice), Matt (Flyin’ Spice), and myself are the second coming of the Breakfast Club, except we’re all gorgeous, gay, exhausted, and have FAR better hair. And while we’re often in trouble, that’s not why we’re here tonight. Every Saturday at around 3:30 in the morning, we put our clothes back on and leave the FreakOut Friday party at Splash, giggling, flirting, and skipping around the corner to the Hollywood Diner – our weekly haunt. The club stays open for another hour or so, with the last party people still dancing themselves into puddles of sweat. But we have our paychecks and wads of tips in hand and we’re starving.

There’s nothing particularly glamorous about our tried and true breakfast stop, despite its deceptive name. Its title actually comes from a painting that stretches around the walls of the diner – a not-necessarily-beautiful depiction of those famous rolling Hollywood hills. But it’s open all night long, it’s right next to the club, and the waiters could care less about how loud we get and how obnoxiously we behave. The staff doesn’t even bat an eye when Jake lies on the table and shoves AJ’s face between his legs, or when Raffy mimes rimming his toasted whole wheat bagel with butter, or when other late night Splash party people run into the diner screaming one of our names, glitter and sweat flying everywhere. It’s home. We hold court in a large booth in the back corner, often surrounded by others from the party, talking about nothing but this party, past parties, and future parties. Added bonus: the blindingly bright overhead lights do no one’s complexion any favors, which is just what you need to make sure the guy you met in the blinking darkness of the club is worth taking back home.

“Did you guys get a visit from Lord Palpatine tonight?” Nick asks, eyes rolling as he sucks up his vanilla milkshake.

“Hell yeah, girl. He tipped me a twenty,” Luis says, shaking a french fry covered in gravy. “He also asked me to marry him. But only after he quells the rebel Jedi revolution.”

The peanut gallery howls with laughter, minus this particular peanut. It would be so disingenuous to join in considering that there’s that hundred still tucked away in my wallet. “He’s harmless,” I say. “And he’s basically bankrolled this breakfast, queens.”

“Better than harmless, didn’t you hear he gave me a twenty?” Luis says. “But man does he have a set of skeezy eyes! If he wasn’t tipping, I’d have Todd call security.”

Maybe you should try speaking to him, I think. But I’ll leave this potentially toxic topic alone. Many a morning-night has turned into an awkward affair because I went to bat defending the older gentlemen who are the sole reason we leave the club with more than a few dollars to our name. These arguments usually end in laughter and a group conclusion that I’m a Daddy Fucker, getting extra cash from the gentry on the side. Whatever. We all need this money, otherwise we wouldn’t be here. Go-go boys fall somewhere between janitors and post office workers on the Respect Spectrum. Surely each of my fellow Spice Boys has gotten plenty of shit about what we do. I’m not about to turn around and disrespect somebody else who is equally undeserving of such scorn. Unlike my scantily-clad brethren, I’m actually related by blood to plenty of people who HAVE earned the kinds of low blows my boys are so liberally lobbing at Bruce. I will store up all my shit-talking venom for those who actually deserve it, thank you kindly.

The sun is making its grand return to Manhattan, spilling warm early pink-orange light onto 6th avenue. The drunken clusters of boys in torn tank tops and tight jeans have transformed into duos of old women walking their dogs, paper cups of coffee clutched in their free hands and the Saturday morning paper under their arms. I’m just about ready to go down for the count.

My plans for the day are as follows: go home. Shower. Jack off to the memory of Todd kissing me. Sleep. From there, we’ll see. If I have to work again tonight, I should probably preserve what little strength I’m able. It won’t be pleasant, but I can pull it off. The change of scenery will be nice — new faces to stare at, new lights and projections, new music and drag queens. If I’m lucky, all of this change will give me the energy it takes to dance without falling asleep on my feet like a horse and plummeting into the crowd below.

“Chase. Snap out of it, sister!”

It’s Rafael, slapping me in the face with a fry.

“Yeah?” I blink a few times and stare down at my uneaten BLT. I take a bite, but I’m not really hungry. Plus, AJ’s burger melt looks a hundred times better. I’ll have to order it next time.

“Girl, wake up. Eat up. Pay up. We’re going to the beach.”

“I hope you all have a lovely time,” I yawn, taking another bite. “I’ll be sure to dream of sandy ass cracks in your honor.”

“Riiiiiight,” Nick says. “You’re coming, Chase. And you don’t have a say in the matter!”

“Aw, wifey’s putting her foot down,” Franky pouts, earning an angry glare from Nick.

Okay. So Nick and I slept together a few times. Or maybe a few more than a few times. Usually when we’re both drunk, which allows us to pretend it didn’t happen. Well, it allows ME to pretend it didn’t happen. This, of course, leaves Nick as the braggart who obviously clued in all the other boys. I don’t really dignify their jibes with an answer either way. He’s not that good, to be honest. He’s one of those pretty boys – short, with a butt that’s way too big for his body (in a good way). His Long Island accent, complete with “dawgs” and “cawfee,” can be cute sometimes. But he knows he’s gorgeous and likes to lie back and let you do all the work. The time he puts in at the gym and the will power it takes to eat nothing but fresh fruit and salads sans dressing counts as his invested effort. He enjoys your mouth, hands, and dick, and you enjoy the fact that it’s your mouth, hands, and dick that he’s enjoying. That’s it. Much like how he hardly works during his shift, he barely musters any effort between the sheets. I only keep doing it because he relentlessly hounds me into letting him crash at my place and I sympathize with his reluctance to get back on a train bound for Long Island at 5 in the morning. What Princess wants, Princess gets.

Including, I guess, my presence at the beach.

“What beach?” I sigh, knowing this war is already lost.

“My parents have a special pass to this private beach by our house on Long Island!” Nick says. “We won’t have to deal with the crowds of GTL meatheads. Just us. The sun. So you’re coming!”

“I don’t know. I’m running on empty, bitches.”

“Come on, Friendly,” Nick says, rubbing my exposed thigh. “I owe you for all those nights you let me crash at your place.”

“Yeah, and crash on his cock,” AJ adds.

“Shut up!” Nick howls, flinging a sugar packet at AJ, who catches it in his teeth and spits it back at him.

“But I gotta work tonight!” I say, catching the sugar packet to end the battle.

“You do?” asks Matt, AKA Flyin’ Spice, the tight package aerialist-in-training who uses his tips to pay for trapeze and silks lessons out in Queens, taught by some choreographer from Cirque du Soleil. “Since when do you work on Saturdays?”

“Just tonight,” I tear open the sugar packet, pouring it into my already-cold coffee. “I’m doing that eWrecksion party.”

“No way!” Conrad says. “DiTempto put you on that?”

“Yup!” I try not to sound like I’m bragging, though I’m sure I am, slightly. “I think tonight’s the night he’s going to ask me to marry him.”

“Right,” Nick says, clearly jealous. “And he won’t be at all distracted by the live sex show when he’s down on one knee, ring in hand. How romantic!”

“I’ll bet Friendly will be down on BOTH knees, not Todd!” Raffy roars.

“Shut up,” I say, feeling a flush at my face. “What’s this about a live sex show? If I’m going to be doing all that, I think I’ll have to raise my fee!”

“Not you, Friendly. You know, actual professionals, unlike your amateur ass?” says Conrad. “Ugh. Give me five minutes alone with Rowell and Joey, I would never need to have sex again!”

Uh oh. The plot thickens. Rowell and Joey? That can only mean one thing.

“From New York Screwniversity?” I ask, feigning as much innocence as a go-go boy possibly can.

“Oh, ho! So someone’s a fan!”

I shrug demurely. “I just go there to read the articles,” I say. “So... some of those boys will be there?”

“Not boys. Gods,” Conrad corrects me. “And not some. ALL.”

Wow. The fact that the boys from New York Screwniversity will be at the party makes tonight infinitely more interesting. I’m not really a fan of gay pornography, preferring the detailed and intimate scenes my own brain can conjure rather than the forced, usually chemistry-free stuff you can find online. But I know of the infamous Screwniversity via personal experience. I’ve been inside it — and it, in a way, has been inside of me.

Full disclosure: I met the thirteen “dormmates” and even had drinks in their living room. And on one drunken, hazy, strangely magical night last month, I got fucked by one of them. His name was Marty Brayden. And while he may not be the star of the site, he is certainly the most noticeable: a tight, toned twink with an eyebrow ring, chinstrap, and spiky bright blue hair.

If Marty was telling the truth, we fucked in front of thousands that night. Despite some slight stage fright, I performed spectacularly. I guess when you dance in front of thousands of gay men in person, it’s not the biggest deal when those thousands are invisible and stuffed inside of a video camera silently monitoring your exploits. It was amazing. Some of the best sex I’ve ever had — which makes sense, since Marty’s no doubt had a lot of practice. I’ve found myself thinking back to that night during my last few hookups with Nick, but that only makes Nick’s shortcomings in the sack stand out all the more. Most one night stands I’ve had end up being just that — a hot time, and that’s it. Most of the guys I never think about again. But for some reason, I can’t forget my time with Marty. And I’m severely jonesing for a repeat.

Is that primarily because I can’t have it?

Maybe.

I left Marty my number and got nothing in return. Not a call. Not a text. Not a Facebook add. It stung even more when I checked NYScrewniversity.com only to find that our scene was the top viewed on the entire website. Marty didn’t even think to shoot me a text to clue me in on our collective victory? Ouch.

While I didn’t watch gay porn before that night, I do find myself watching it now. A lot. I blew a full night’s worth of tips to get a monthly membership. Now I spend my few free nights watching Marty get fucked by his dorm mates in every which way, including some epic three-way they advertised the hell out of. And when I jack off, I’m picturing myself as whoever he’s getting it on with. I spend hours clicking through the archives, getting to know the mystery boy I never really got to draw a bead on when we shot our scene. And with each clip, I find myself becoming more and more preoccupied with him. My favorite videos are his interviews (weekly testimonials with the dorm mates go up every Tuesday at two o’ clock). The more time I spend listening to him, the more I feel like I’m dating him in reverse. Getting to know him little by little, piece by piece.

But does he even remember me? I guess there’s no reason to seek sex with someone like me when you have twelve potential partners every night just waiting to give it to you. I tried sending a few emails to the website, but the webmaster clearly had no interest in relaying my requests. And why would he? It’s not like I have extra cash to blow on a pricey private video chat. Especially considering that if Marty wanted to see me again, he could easily have texted me. Why waste any more time or money only to get blown off again?

Tonight, I’ll waste neither. When I see Marty Brayden, I’ll go right up to him. I’ll be direct. I’ll tell him I want to come home with him again and repeat our last performance. Outdo it. He’ll say yes because, well, our video is still hovering near the top of the most viewed list. Refusing to do another scene featuring Chase Bliss? That’s just bad for business.

Now I’ve had a month to get buffer, thanks to my membership at the NYU gym. I’ve had plenty of days out on Chelsea Piers with the other go-go boys, baking my skin to a deep brown that makes me look almost Hispanic. There’s no chance I’m not going home with Marty again tonight — and this time I’ll make sure I get HIS number.

“So, you coming to the beach, bitch?” Raf asks as he and the other boys gather their gym bags and split the bill. “We’re leaving!”

“Yes, he’s coming!” Nick says, grabbing my hand and pulling me up from the table. “Right?”

What the hell. My dorm doesn’t have AC. I’d probably spend the next few hours baking to death. I’m sure there will be opportunities to sneak a wink in here or there on the train ride out, or on the beach. Plus I haven’t pulled an all-nighter since my first year at NYU. Could be fun to be reckless, right? I could stand to go a shade or two darker. Might help my chances at landing Marty tonight.

“Okay. Let’s go.”

Thursday, August 18, 2011

DOMINO: The Song of the Summer That Wasn't


Damn ye fates! Curse ye gods! This summer slipped by without what I would rightly deign THE SONG OF THE SUMMER. And then yesterday, what COULD have been that song appeared. It's called Domino. It's sung by Jessie J.

What? Never heard of her? THAT'S THE FUCKING PROBLEM! This song would have SURELY kicked her to #1 on the Pop Billboards. I can feel it in my BONES. But NOOOOOOO bitch had to wait for it to leak out NOW?

Come on, people! Can't you smell a Song of the Summer when it's waving its sand-coated titties in your face?

It has EVERYTHING a summer song needs. The twangy guitar. The high notes (handled by a chick who can HIT those high notes). The infectious beat that matches the speed of passing highway signs as you speed to the beach.

FUCK FUCK FUCK!

It was a recipe for success that stayed in the kitchen too damn long. It was co-penned with Dr. Luke, who is the fucking best thing to happen to pop music EVER. And it was originally pitched to Katy Perry, who must have been dropped on her head last year to be so dumb as to have passed it up. Could you imagine if it was Katy Perry's DOMINO and it had dropped alongside Teenage Dream? It may have seriously given California Gurls some serious competition.

Alas, Katy Perry didn't take it. Jessie J. did, but she sat on it far too long. So now we have this amazing Song of the Past Summer as the weather gets too cold to properly enjoy it.

God dammit. Whatever. Listen to the song. Rip it to your computer since you can't download it anywhere yet. And mourn the loss of the Song of the Summer. Guess we'll give this one to LMFAO, since no one else offered up a healthy enough competitor.





<3 Justin Luke
www.BoiParty.com

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Where the FUCK Did "Justin Luke" Come From?

If you've known me for a while, you're aware that "Justin Luke" isn't my actual name. Well, it sort of is, and it sort of isn't. It's my promoter name, my author name, and basically what I go by anywhere except my day job. Anyway, I've been asked where my name came from, and I figured this was as good a place to answer that question as anywhere.

First: why do promoters and nightlife people have fake names? Is it shame? Guilt? Secrecy? Witness Protection? Maybe all of those reasons. Maybe none of them. For me, it's keeping my boring day job self and nightlife self separate. But, even more important, it's that my actual name is long, boring, un-sexy, and hard to pronounce (trust me, I get confused calls from tongue-tied telemarketers ALL the time.) Mr. Byookbinder? Mr. Boochbinder? Mr. Bockbinder? Mr. Bilchblender? 

Fact: Luke is actually part of my name. It's just not my LEGAL name. Confusing? Not if you're Roman Catholic. You see, "Luke" is my confirmation name. A confirmation is sort of the Catholic equivalent of a Jewish Bar Mitzvah... except it's not fun, rather boring, and we don't get a kick-ass, huge party with a James Bond, Broadway, or Baseball theme afterwards.

Here's the funny thing, though. When I chose my confirmation name, I chose it because I thought "Justin Luke" would sound sexy at the clubs. I actually picked the name and THEN had to research what the fuck St. Luke did. I then had to come up with a good reason why I found this symbolic enough to convince my priest and make it my official confirmation name.

Whatever bullshit I came up with worked! I was confirmed "Justin Luke" and that is now my legal name in the eyes of God. (I wonder how God feels about the way I'm using his name... ha.) I've already forgotten what made Luke a Saint. I just had to Google it. It turns out he's the patron saint of artists, physicians, surgeons, students, and butchers. All of which I can get behind today, especially butchers.

Anyway, "Justin Luke" was a big party queen in his late teens, only retiring when I met my ex-boyfriend. When we got all boyfriend-y, I abandoned the club scene, and the name along with it.

Then time passed, me and my ex broke up, and I stumbled ass-backwards into promoting for BoiParty.com. My partner, Alan Picus, when he decided that he wanted to make me a Nightlife Personality, told me that my actual name was far too long, German, and easy to mispronounce. It had to go. I needed something else. How perfect! I pulled "Justin Luke" out of the closet like he was a cute pair of jeans I just recently re-found. The name fit, and here I am.

Once upon a time "Justin Luke" was the minority part of me. My actual name still dominated. But thanks to my success in gay nightlife, my writing career, and my online persona growing by leaps and bounds, I have basically "become" Justin Luke, and am having a HELL OF A LOT more fun being him. Hopefully the boring, German-named version of me will drop off and out of my life like a hangnail soon.

Justin Luke sounds nice, is easy to say, quick to say, and looks good written down. I couldn't be happier. If you really want to know my last name, ask my friends. Or ask me somewhere that Google can't spider, as I don't want this life permeating my boring day job life that still pays my rent and bills.

Oh, and before you go ask what the deal is with my author name, Justin Luke Zirilli, I'll explain that too: Zirilli is my mom's maiden name. That simple.

So yes, Justin Luke isn't my legal name, but every part of it is honest, and honestly me. And that's sorta how I want people to see me: an honest, legit guy. One whose simple wish is that he brings entertainment, distraction, and enjoyment into everyone's lives. Be it through my writing, my blogging, my events with BoiParty, or whatever. It's what I love, and what I love doing. It starts with my name, but it goes on and on and on.

<3 Justin Luke
www.BoiParty.com

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

6 Ways to NOT Be a Drunken Hot Mess at the Gay Club


You've seen them, I've seen them. Hell, let's be honest, you and I have probably BEEN them at one time or another. I'm talking specifically about That Hot Mess at the party. Standing straight up is impossible, so he's pitching back and forth as his head falls like it's suddenly filled with billiard balls. And God forbid he should try to walk... FACEPLANT! Chances are this is the same guy who will soon have his ass kicked out of the club. Don't worry, he won't go far. You'll find him puking on the sidewalk and crying right around the corner.

Now, can we please agree that this is NOT fun? Of course becoming intoxicated is fun. Hell, getting DRUNK is fun. But the fun stops when you hit this point. When everything you drank is all over your shirt, along with that slice of pizza, the fun has officially come to a stop.

And yet, despite this, I am ALWAYS encountering these hot messes at my parties. Why? Are they doing it on purpose? Are they so fucking stupid they just can't tell how much booze they're pouring down their throats? I have no answer. What I DO have are some strategies that you can pass on to them, or use them yourself.

I am very well-versed in responsible liquor consumption for one reason: I refuse to allow myself to get extremely drunk at parties. I'll get tipsy, and play it up, but that's where I stop. A good promoter can't be shit faced. He has to be ready to deal with problems, run the microphone, head up contests and giveaways, deal with issues at the door, meet and network, herd performers and go-gos and attend to VIPs. Because of that, I have developed a few guidelines that border on Science and Art.

Unless you like waking up the next morning with puke still in your nostrils and no idea who that guy is in bed next to you, perhaps you'll take them to heart and give them a shot, too!

And one last time: I'm not saying you should be sober. Fuck no. Drink up! That's how I get paid! What I am advocating for here is a TINY bit of responsibility. Knowing when to stop, so we don't have to stop you by throwing your ass out on the street.

Here we go.

1. Eat something. Gays don't eat! Gays don't eat! Shut the fuck up. You NEED to eat something. Preferably before you party. A few pieces of low-calorie bread if you're afraid of that upcoming photo shoot you have scheduled. What you need is carbs and protein. Just pretend you're building a small pillow or sponge in your tummy that will sop up the booze. An empty stomach is a dangerous thing when you're drinking because it could very well jump you from sober to trashed in just a drink or two.

2. H20 Breaks. When I drink, I play a game of tennis. It goes like this: alcohol, bottle of water, alcohol, bottle of water, alcohol, bottle of water, bottle of water, alcohol. A bartender once told me: "Getting drunk is a funny thing, you're basically dehydrating and poisoning yourself." BRING IT ON! Right? Right. Let's drink. But seriously, you need to rehydrate as you dehydrate. Imagine every cocktail drawing water out of your body, that's water you need to put back in there. Extra bonus: may help you fight off a hangover!

3. Secret Ninja Shots. I very VERY rarely take shots. Why? Because it's basically like guzzling an entire drink in one breath. Not good. Jumps you to hot mess a lot quicker. And yet, as a promoter, I am constantly being pulled into shot scenarios where someone is buying, and I better be drinking. So what do I do? Simple: I pour my shot into my drink. BOOM! You can pretend you're doing the shot and no one calls you out on it. You still get the booze so your free liquor opportunity isn't ruined. And chances are it won't ruin the taste of your drink, either.

4. Space it out. Listen, I know you're afraid we're going to run out of alcohol. DO NOT WORRY. We are fine. We have tons of bottles under the bar, and even more in storage. You don't need to keep slamming them back with such abandon. Try spacing out your drink orders. Don't order a new drink until 30 or so minutes after your last one. Or 20 minutes. Or whatever.

5. Make one night a science project. Okay, this isn't fun, I know... but it's really helpful. Choose one night sometime soon and make it your Study Night. What you're going to do is MONITOR YOURSELF as closely as you can throughout the night. You want to be conscious of your level of intoxication as you drink. This is, of course, tough, because as the drinks go down, things start to go blurry. So drink SLOW. Do your waters. And keep asking yourself: how drunk am I? This will help you to determine your LIMIT.

Thanks to a night like this, I know the following: Two and a half drinks get me tipsy. I can have another drink every forty five minutes after this and maintain my tipsiness all night. Somewhere between 3 and 4 drinks without that pacing gets me drunk. 5 drinks and more is too much. FOR ME. For every person, it's different. And it differs also based on the amount of sleep you've had, how hydrated you are, and if you ate anything that day. Also how hot it is outside. SO MANY DIFFERENT factors. Take a night and learn your body, your body will thank you later for taking the time.

6. Be happy with drunk. Seriously, folks. You need to figure out when your happy drunk ends and the horror arrives. Do you need to take yourself to, or near, that regrettable point? Or can you have an amazing night when you're tipsy? For me, all I need is a little lightness in my head. I know that the second things look start looking like photographs in my head, I'm not having fun. I know that if I can't walk without the world swinging around, then I'm no longer having fun. I also know that if I get drunk enough, I'll have to deal with the spins when I get home and try to go to sleep. Nothing, in my opinion, is worse than that. Find the point that you need to reach to have the most fun, and stick with it! No need to keep drinking. You can always have more the next morning at brunch.


Whoa, you're thinking. Wait a mo. Is a nightlife promoter telling me to maybe drink less? Sorta, kinda, and not in a judgmental way AT ALL. Remember, as a promoter, all I want is for everyone to have fun. And no one's having fun if they're also having to hold their own puke in their hands.

We can get drunk and crazy and avoid all of that... so why not do it?

<3 Justin Luke
BoiParty.com

Friday, August 12, 2011

Confessions of a Straight-Acting Gay Boy

Last night I was standing in McDonalds at two in the morning, waiting on my double cheeseburger (shut up, I had a craving). A black man, faux-blinged out to the point where he looked like a dollar-store Kanye, turned to me and said:

"Shit, man. You hear that shit? They're saying Bert and Ernie is gay! Faggots! You kidding me? Trying to fuck up our kids. That's fucked. Thank God I don't have a son, just daughters. If he were gay, I'd beat him til he was straight. Beat the gay right out of him. Beat him til he went to seek comfort in a woman's arms and legs. Know what I mean man? Don't you just want to beat the fuck out of them?"

Luckily I got my cheeseburger and was able to leave... because there was just too much wrong with this situation. One - his beginning with the whole Bert/Ernie gay shit. Two, his strange assumption that his daughters are somehow exempt from becoming gay because they are girls. Three his very Tracy Morgan-esque threat to the son he never fathered. Oh, and finally, his stupid assumption that I was a heterosexual.

But that last part is something I often deal with. It's true, friends. I am one of those "Straight-Acting Gays" (or SAGs, which is a far less attractive moniker) that you hear about from time to time. I'm that kinda guy that boys cry out for occasionally on their Grindr and Manhunt profiles. MASC ONLY. NO FLAMERS. DUDES PLEASE. BE A MAN.

Yeah, that's me. And it's not all it's cracked up to be. And I'm not doing it intentionally. Let's just put the facts out there:

1. I have no fashion sense. My outfits come from Gap and American Eagle. What can I say? I like t-shirts and polos. I like baggy-ish jeans. I wear clothing for comfort and as long as I don't look like an idiot, I'm happy. I also never was good at color matching, but thankfully that doesn't seem to be as important any longer. 

2. I have a relatively low, gruff voice. Blame years of smoking. Blame the fact that it tires me to put emotion or energy behind my voice for periods of time - like trying to stare directly at the sun. It tires me out. I dunno, blame my vocal cords? Whatever. My voice is kinda low.

3. I have a wide shoulder span. This is why I shop at Gap and American Eagle. Their shirts won't ride up to my nipples. The side effect is that I end up looking like a JV football linebacker or that douche bag frat boy you knew in college.

4. I hulk. I walk like a hulking beast, my arms at my sides like hanging sausages, my top half rocking this way and that like there's a metal pole between my legs that won't let me bring them closer together. I don't know why. It's how I walk! I lumber. I'm sorta like a giant St. Bernard who isn't aware of how much physical space he takes up.

5. I don't move my hands that much. Even though I'm Italian, I'm not one for moving my hands about.

The sum total of these facts seems to be all it takes for most straight guys to assume I am a part of their fold. They see me and my bad fashion sense and my heavy, slitted eyes and assume I'm a bro of the order. Of course this is preposterous. They should see me screaming showtunes with my friend Dougie Meyer every Monday at Splash. They should see me break into tears and run around like a child at Disney World. Or, you know, they should see me sucking dick. That'd DEFINITELY give me away. But, alas, these guys run into me at McDonalds at 2AM, not at gay bars.

And I ASSURE you I am NOT doing this on purpose! It's just who I am! I can't pick out an outfit, I don't fling my hands around, and I walk like a Muppet! Sorry! It's me! And I'm not really interested in putting the extra effort in to being anything else. 

Let me say the following: being a "straight(ish)-acting gay" is NOT a lot of fun. Sure occasionally you get the guy who wants to live out his fantasy of getting banged by a straight guy, and that's all good fun. But other times, you find yourself in the weird situation of being pulled into homophobia, and not on the traditional side. I don't have to worry about being attacked for being gay, it seems. I have to worry about being asked to help attack someone for being gay.

And please tell me, what the FUCK was I supposed to do in that situation last night as I waited on my goddamn 10-minute-to-make double cheeseburger? Perhaps the right thing to do would be to say "I'm gay, you asshole" and call him out on it. But I'm also a non-violent, anti-confrontational person. I didn't want to start a fight in a McDonalds (or anywhere, but mostly McDonalds). And so I stood there, nodded, occasionally shook my head and shrugged my shoulders. And then I got to leave with my double cheeseburger and the horrible feeling that I had just traitored ever gay friend I have.

It sucks, folks. It's not all it's cut out to be. Oh, and seriously? Stop asking for "Straight Acting Dudes." I'm far more turned on by "You-Acting Dudes," guys who are proudly themselves, not adding extra femininity, nor removing excess amounts of it. You be you and I'll be me, and we'll do just fine.

- Justin Luke
BoiParty.com

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Getting in bed with rising gay pop God, geO Louis!


Let me put it out there: I LOVE geO Louis. I knew this boy before he put a single single out, and I'm so happy I know him now that he's dropping singles faster than a plane full of dance bombs.

geO has performed at my book launch tour events, as well as countless other events. His signature shirtless performance, flanked by two cap-wearing girls, always gets the club up and dancing. His original single, "Work" was even mashed up with Ke$ha's "Blow" by my boyfriend, DJ JoeRedHead!

But the new news is that geO has dropped his SECOND single, "Over&Over" and its title couldn't be more accurate, because I've been listening to it Over and Over again. And, much like he says in the song, I just MAY make it my ringtone. Imagine Michael Jackson came back from the dead and N*Sync stepped into a time machine to about a decade ago. It's that poppy, that dance-y, and that awesome!

I was lucky enough to grab geO for a quick interview. As busy as he is, the only available time he had was right before bed... and WHOOPS! He's naked. I'm not complaining, and I doubt you will have a problem. Check the video interview, read the extended interview, and then get a FREE listen of geO's newest single, "Over&Over" at the bottom of the page!





Over&Over is your newest single... what inspired you to write it?
In life I want two things... a successful music career and a successful relationship; OVER&OVER puts the two together. We all know and want that feeling of first falling in love OVER&OVER. That's exactly how I feel about my music. So I put the two in bed together, they had a kid and I named it OVER&OVER.

What do you want people to feel when they hear this newest song? 
I want them to feel my passion for music. Everyone understands the feeling of wanting to make someone your #1, not everyone understands the feeling of wanting your song to be #1. I related the two so people could understand me better.

Let's talk about your original single, Work... how does it relate/differ from Over&Over? 
WORK is about working to get over a breakup, Over and Over is about wanting the feeling you get in the beginning of a relationship back over and over again.

What is your creative process for creating music? 
Each song that I've written is about how a different person has impacted me, some have built me up, some tried to tear me down. So at times I'm writing with a bottle of Jack, and at times I'm smiling with a glass of wine. 

When can we see you perform your singles live?
These days, everyone relies on the Internet, I want to spread my music by performing live... I want to get in a bus and drive myself around the country and take shots with the audience, check my Twitter, or my website, geOLouis.com for show updates.

Who are your musical role models? 
I dont want to bite role models 'cause the minute I do people will pin me for stealing their ideas or trying to be them. Music as a whole has inspired me. Pop, Country, R&B... there are so many talented artists in every genre that make me want to be something great. 

What is the ultimate venue at which you'd love to perform? 
Stadiums, arenas...all the BIG ones!

If you could have any artist, alive or dead, open for your concert - who would it be and why?
Elvis... he always wore rhinestones and humped mic stands, people thought he was so scandalous.  Today, I'd give him a run for his money.

We have Beliebers, Little Monsters, Spears-throwers (I made that last one up). What can your fans call themselves?
The entertainment industry has turned me into an animal, and I feel I need to attack in order to fulfill my dreams, so I want all my friends to be animals just like me, and to attack everything in life until they succeed... RarrrRRR Fans?  Animals... my friends are all Animals.

When can we expect the NEXT geO Louis single?
Relax! I just released one! Play this one OVER&OVER again! You'll get one soon!

Do you have anything you'd like to say to your fans? 
All the support means the world to me. Help me spread my music OVER&OVER again so one day we can be playing in the middle of MSG, we can all RarrrRRR together, it'll be like one big Animal orgy.

PS: I'm totally down for an Animal orgy... so long as geO is also participating.

And now, without further adewwwwww... Justin Plus One is proud to present geO Louis' NEWEST single, OVER&OVER!



- JL



Monday, August 8, 2011

Missy Elliott + Katy Perry = NEW "Last Friday Night!"


I am a huge fan of Katy Perry's single, "Last Friday Night." I'm also a huge fan of Missy Elliott.

FYI: I am mathematically a DOUBLE-HUGE fan of their new collaborative song!

If I have ONE comment, it's a small one - Missy and Katy sound a bit too separate. It's clearly Katy's song, with some bits added after Missy Misdemeanor stopped by the studio. The producers could have done a BIT more splicing in there. Maybe even brought Katy back in.

But whateves! It's still plenty good.

Listen to it here, grab it on iTunes (where it goes for ONLY 69 cents... har har) and get ready to SHAKE THAT BOOTY! (And regret it by Saturday morning).




- Justin Luke

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

10 Reasons That Hot Gay Boy Might Reject You... And Why It Doesn't Fucking Matter

My post on The 5 Secret Tips for Getting That Hot Guy at the Gay Club got a LOT of attention! I'm glad I helped all of the guys who took the time to write and text me a thank you. I hope that you put them to practice, and that you get the results you want.

But not all is well again in Gayland. Especially in the Pick-Up Neighborhood of Gayland. No, not there at all. It's because there remains a horrible, near-impenetrable blockage among all of my newly empowered gays... and that is the ever-present fear of rejection.

Oh rejection! Fuck you, with a capital Fuck You. For something that isn't a physical being, you sure as hell inspire a lot of fear and loathing in gays both in Las Vegas and in other places, too. The fear of not being hot enough, not being interesting enough, being sent back to the part of the bar from where you came... it's SO overpowering, isn't it? It makes you question your attractiveness, both inside and out. It has the ability to ruin your night before you've even DONE anything.

I understand that my recommendation to approach the hot gay guy you just caught sight of is a daunting task. I'm not going to pretend it's easy. It takes a lot of courage. A lot of balls. It is DIFFICULT. But guess what? It's necessary. Rejection comes in many forms, and the moment you get used to it, the better you'll be for it.

Allow me to make the following statement: You need to go out and BE REJECTED. I'm serious. This is the first step to the rest of your life. Next time you're at the bar or the club, I challenge you to go up to the smoking hottest guy in the place. The one who wouldn't even look your way if you were on fire and screaming for help. Go up to him and drop my tried and true pick-up line: "Hey, you're REALLY cute."

If he didn't reject you and you're going home together, congrats! I told you that taste and attraction is in the eye of the beholder. Come back to the club next time and TRY IT AGAIN. We need to get you rejected outright.

Why? Because rejection is NOT as bad as we think it is. Seriously. I believe that our FEAR of rejection is far worse than the actual feeling of fresh, raw rejection. The best way to get over your fear of it is a bit of exposure therapy: just KEEP trying to get rejected. Numb the pain. Dull the hit. The more it happens, the less you'll feel it. And the day you no longer fear rejection will be the beginning of the rest of your gay life.

Here's the plain truth: very few gays think they're gorgeous (albeit a few choice numbers on Douchebags of Grindr). I've met drop-dead gorgeous gays who have a lower self-esteem than someone half as attractive as them should have. Why? Because. I don't know why. It's just fact. And you know who succeeds in this world of low-esteemed gay boys? The emboldened ones who are NOT afraid of rejection. Think of those couples where you see one guy that you think is so less attractive than the other. How did that happen? Well, I'll bet you dollars to donuts it happened because one guy approached the other with no fear of rejection. And it paid off.

And I'm sorry, but I can't stand idly by while all these pretty boys whine "WHERE ARE THE GOOD GUYS? WHY CAN'T I FIND A GUY?" To them I say STFU, with all due respect. Because until you surgically remove your fear of rejection and start going after what you want, you deserve to be lonely and depressed. Don't tell me you are single because you come off as "hard to get" or "too hot". You're single because you're a goddammed coward.

Let me tell you my dream: my dream is a world where gay men are trampling each other in a marathon to get what they want. No pretty boys waiting to be approached. No boys coming off as "unattainable" because they're chicken shit. I want to create a queer battalion of fearless gay men who go for the boy they're attracted to, regardless of how impossible attaining them might seem. Can you do that? Don't let me down!

Okay, it's still tough. I know. So let's get the monster out in the open, yeah? Let's look at ALL THE REASONS why you may be rejected. The point of this exercise is to defuse the fear. When we fear rejection, we are REALLY afraid of being made to feel unattractive/hideous/wildebeest-like. We're not afraid of the act of being turned down... we're afraid of feeling unwanted because of it.

But guess what, friends? You being cute enough is only ONE of the reasons you may be rejected. And that's important to note. Until scientists develop a technology that allows us to see every person at the club and know what's going on in their lives and heads immediately, we're just going to have to take a chance, like playing three-card monte on the street in Times Square. We may lose, but that's where the excitement and challenge comes from.

SO! Here we go. You MAY get rejected by that hot guy because:

1. He has a boyfriend. Not everyone at the club is single! Something I was guilty of doing in my single days was assuming that every hot guy I saw was unattached and ready for loving. Clearly that is untrue. Unless the guy is in an open relationship, a lying cheat, or dating a girl and diddling on the side, chances are he will reject your advances.

2. He's on the VERGE of having a boyfriend. Maybe that guy's been exchanging texts and emails with a guy he met a few weeks ago all night. He thinks he's got this in the bag. He may be single now, but he doesn't think it will be this way for much longer. So he probably could care less about you because he's waiting on an invite to an evening of passion, or something like that.

3. He just broke up with a boyfriend. While people like to talk about rebounds and jumping in bed with someone after a bad breakup, that's not always the case. Sometimes the heartbroken gay wants nothing to do with gay men ever again (read: for a few weeks at least). Maybe he was dragged to the gay club by a friend, and the LAST thing he wants is to be there.

4. He's visiting town. Tourists are a big thing here in NYC. About 30% of any big party are people from out of town, state, or country. Now, while a one-night stand may be in the cards, they may not be into that. And if they're not into that, then they're not going to be into you. They're probably too busy trying to remember all the things they will have to pack before they head home.

5. He has an STD. Eek! Eew! Syphilis! Gonorrhea! Crabs! Gross, right? Well they're here. Imagine HAVING them, and knowing about it. Maybe they just got diagnosed. Maybe it burned when they peed this morning. A guy might turn you down because he doesn't want to give you anything. Which is a very sweet gesture that you should appreciate.

6. He's Got Life drama. What if the guy just had a death in his family? A horrible fight with a best friend? Lost a job? Lost his house? Got robbed or mugged or raped? Any potential terrible event may be plaguing their mind, thoroughly occupying it and thus squeezing you out.

7. He Doesn't Think You're Cute. Okay, it had to be said. Maybe you're not the guy's type. Whoops! Hit to the ego. FUCK that hurts. He's being a bitch about it too, rolling his eyes like YOU SHOULD KNOW you don't stand a chance with him. Whatever. Smile. Doff an invisible hat. Head off to approach your next guy. How easy was that?

8. He's Heard Shit About You. Do you have a bad rep? Do you have someone who hates you enough to manufacture a bad rep? You never know what might have been said about you to this guy or that. Maybe he heard that you shoot loads in people's eyes and then flee the scene. Maybe he heard you have a horrible rash. Whatever. Perhaps you should guard your reputation more carefully.

9. He's Just Not Looking. Believe it or not, some guys just ARE NOT LOOKING FOR A DATE OR HOOK UP. For whatever reason, right now, they're just there to dance. Or drink. Or catch up with friends. They're not looking, and so you best look elsewhere.

10. He's Not Ready For You Yet. This is KEY, boys. Sometimes, a hook-up/date is just not in the cards FOR TONIGHT. Take a deep breath, accept your rejection like a man, and soldier on. There are many more nights, many more weeks, many more months and years. Guys that once rejected me were the same guys that went home with me months later. (I actually once went home with a guy who rejected me a DECADE previous). "No" today doesn't mean "No" forever. Even if they say they'll never be interested in you. I'm not advocating wedging yourself up their ass like a shadester and pursuing them, I'm just saying chillax, go elsewhere, and keep an open mind in case they change their mind. They may never come for you, or they may. Who knows? How exciting!

THERE! How's that? 10 fresh reasons why you may get rejected by that guy that's got you drooling and dreaming of monogrammed bathrobes and getting a dog. Only one having to do with you not being cute enough.

In other words, there are a TON of reasons why you will be rejected by that guy. But SO WHAT? There's also the chance that you will get him. Because you ARE his type. Or you're his type TONIGHT. Or whatever! You'll never know if you don't gather your balls and approach. So stop standing there and staring, stop feeling down on yourself, and stop being a pussy.

GET OUT THERE AND GO FOR IT!

And if you're rejected, that's awesome. It's one step closer to getting over that silly fear of rejection, and two steps closer to maybe approaching the guy who'll say "yes."

<3 Justin Luke
BoiParty.com

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

5 Ways to Nab That Hot Guy at the Gay Club

A lot of people ask me for relationship advice. Even more people ask me for pick-up advice. They think that because I work in nightlife, I must have some sort of "in" when it comes to understanding the gay twenty-something psyche. Perhaps this is true.

I mean, just two weeks ago, I randomly introduced two Facebook friends to each other at my weekly 18+ dance party at Chelsea's Club Heaven. I turned back to another friend to continue our conversation when he shouted "Oh my God!" and pointed back in the direction from which I had just turned. The two boys I had just introduced to each other were already making out and getting handsy! They left together an hour later.

Now, I'm not going to say I have some homo Midas touch that turns any coupling into gay porn gold, but I have had my hand in many gay couplings, be they lasting a night, many nights, or many many nights.

Anyway, here's the caveat: if you DON'T think this good advice, then DO NOT USE IT. If you think it sounds novel, smart, and worthy of your experimentation, then DO USE IT. It's that simple. Take what you will, leave what you won't.


1. APPROACH HIM. Oh man, this is the easiest peasiest of things for you to do. I'm going to go ahead and interrupt you before you shout "but I'm nervous/quiet/used to being approached!" And I'm going to say shut the hell up, friend. If you want a guy, you have two options: do something or don't do something. If you DO go up to him, you now have put the guy in the position of either accepting or rejecting you. You have a 1 in 2 shot. If you stand there with your drink and make moony eyes at him, there remains a universe of possibilities. He could approach you. He could approach someone else. He could be eaten by a bear (the animal, or the variety of gay).

I'll tell you this: if I didn't approach my super-gorgeous boyfriend the well-known DJ JoeRedHead, he wouldn't be my boyfriend today, two years later. Yes, I thought he was way too hot for me. But thank vodka, I went for him anyway. He never would have approached me, but by me approaching him, I made it happen. And I couldn't be happier.


2. NO LOW SELF-ESTEEM ALLOWED. LET THIS BE A LESSON TO YOU ALL: no one is EVER too hot for you, unless they outright tell you so. I don't care WHAT you think of yourself. You're too short. You're too fat. You're too skinny. You're too pale. Your ears look funny. BULLSHIT NBD GET OVER IT!

You NEVER know what someone is into. Ever! I've met twinks who dig only bears. Hispanic boys who only dig black men. Gorgeous muscle boys who like chubby dudes. Skinny boys who only like tall, hairy guys. Bears who only dig muscle daddies. On and on and on. Taste and attraction is TRULY in the eye of the beholder. An example, my boyfriend. I never in a million years would have thought he'd go for me. I'm glad I took a shot because it turns out my type is EXACTLY what he goes for. So don't rule yourself out of the running. Do NOT approach being all "playfully" self-abusive. Don't be retarded. Be confident, or go home... because what the fuck are you doing out if you hate yourself and how you look in the first place?


3. BE UPFRONT. When I was single, I had an amazing pick-up line. On the whole, spanned out across the years, it landed me 4 out of every 7 guys I approached and used it on, which is pretty damn good where those numbers are concerned. And now I'm going to give that top secret pick-up line to you. Are you ready?

"Hey, you're REALLY cute."

And that's it. BOOM! You've just laid everything out on the table. Again, you're forcing the other guy's hand. You've also skipped four hundred useless steps that occur when you can't quite figure out HOW to let them know that you dig them. Now they can either blush or smile and say "you're pretty cute yourself, mister, hubba hubba hee haw!" (well, hopefully they don't say ALL that... that'd be sorta awkward) or they can say something else like "thanks but I have a boyfriend, I have a hair appointment, I'm actually a potted plant, MAN you're drunk!" You've saved time, you've gotten to the point, and most of all - you're being honest. You can't go up to a guy and tell him you love his attitude or his singing voice or his political leanings. You've spied him across a bar... the ONLY attraction you can have to him right now is of the physical variety. SO JUST OUT WITH IT!


4.GO FOR THE GIRL. Picking up a guy grows exponentially more difficult when they're with a group of friends. It's alarmingly easy to approach someone who's stag and staring at others having a fun time. But if they're in a group of friends, how in the hell are you supposed to break into THAT gay fold?

Easy. Hit up the girl in the group.

Statistically speaking, any large number of cute gay boys has at least one fag hag. She's the injured deer in the pack. She's probably drunk, a little wild, and looking for more gays to bring under her wing. Hit her up, say how much you love her dress, and really make it look like you give more than an eighth of a metric shit about her. It will get attention, it will endear you to her gay friend whom you really want. Just... don't blow it too early. If you say hello to the girl and spin to the boy, you've given up the secret. You honestly must invest a good 10 minutes in this girl. But I'll say it'll probably work, she'll introduce you to her boys and then you can slowly work your way over to the target. Congrats. Good work! Pussy is good for something after all.


5. SMOKE, OR DON'T MIND PEOPLE WHO DO. If you're a smoker, you're probably going to die. That's bad. You also, however, stand a better chance of meeting and hooking up with a guy. The club, as you know, is very dark, very bright, very crowded, and very loud. Also, very hot. Smokers have it easy, they can skip out at any time to the night air and destroy their lungs and speak in normal conversational tones. In the club you dance and drink. In the smoking section outside, you meet and greet. Granted, you'll be making out with someone with cigarette breath, which may be a turnoff to you. I suggest you just wash your mouth with bourbon so you don't notice.

Even better? Carry a lighter with you EVEN IF YOU'RE NOT A SMOKER. Now you can follow the cutie you're checking out to the smoking section AND light their cigarette. Or you can combine THIS tip and the previous one and LIGHT THE CIGARETTE OF THEIR GIRLFRIEND. Oh man, that combination is the holy grail of gay club pick-ups. The girl will love you AND you can immediately follow up with her and her gay. Chances are you won't be heading back into the club before going home with them unless you have to pick up something from the coat check.

- Justin Luke
BoiParty.com

Monday, August 1, 2011

Nocturnal Admission


To say I am not a morning person is an understatement. I've met not-morning-people. They may be a bit grumpy, a bit sleepy-eyed as they begin their days. But, overall, they are still generally pleasant people who, in time, warm up to the day ahead of them and off they go.

This is not me.

I am a night owl that puts other owls to shame. If the sun is out, I'd rather be inside, hiding from it, willing it to dip beneath the horizon quicker than usual. How many of you wake up in the morning, feeling like absolute shit... even when you WEREN'T out late at night drinking and doing destructive things? This is me raising my hand.

If I could strategically skip every morning from now until the day I die, I'd be a much happier person. To know me in the morning is to know a jerk who doesn't want to know you. My head hurts. My throat hurts. My SOUL hurts. Ditto for my skin, stomach, and even my hands. There is no part of me that doesn't suffer when I must wake up before 11 AM. And it doesn't matter HOW much sleep I got the night before.

And when I'm out in the daylight, even with my eyes closed my retinas STILL burn from the exposure. It's like I'm one of those blind bats that spend their lives in caves. Or, more accurately, that I'm one of those bats... one forced to go and work a day job despite its very nature.

Now, the evening. Ah. Now we're talking. When the moon comes out and the sky goes black and New York City fires up its million lights in its million windows... THAT'S when I'm alive. I catch sight of the absent sun and THAT'S when I wake up. When it's night time I'm like a different person. I'm funny! And witty! And usually rather energetic! This is when you want to know me.

And it doesn't matter how late I go. I can go til the morning, so long as I don't go to sleep. But, as soon as I do, you better let me hibernate until late afternoon, or you'll be dealing with the gay version of the Incredible Hulk. JUSTIN NEED SLEEP! ::fist-slam::

This set-up works wonders for my nightlife promoting job. It also wreaks equal parts havoc on my day job. My 9-5 colleagues get to experience me at my most silent and brooding while my nightlife compatriots get to pound back the shots with me as we dance into the night. Whoops. Oh well. Sorry?

Do I wish I were a morning person? To be honest, I wish I was an any-time person. But that doesn't seem to be my lot in life. Ever since childhood I've gone to sleep late, and done most of my best work late into the evening hours. This was a special sort of trouble when I was in high school and had to be up at 6 am (it hurts my teeth just to type that). Now I am lucky enough to be able to sleep until 7:30... but even that's not enough. I need to get a set-up that lets me snooze til 10 or later. Now THAT is something I could get behind.

What about you? Are you a morning person? A night person? Both? Neither?

- Justin Luke