Wednesday, January 18, 2012
6 Drinks to Order at the Gay Bar
Something I've noticed when I offer friends or visitors a free drink is that they often don't know what to order. They say "I don't know, what are you having?" or "I don't normally order drinks!"
Basically these guys are of the "pour vodka in a Diet Coke because that's what's at this house party" variety. This needs to be addressed.
Let me say this: part of your job of being a gay man is to have a Default Drink. Or a Signature Cocktail, if you wanna sound fabulous and fancy when you refer to it.
Don't have one? Well here are my Signature Cocktails, feel free to ask me for a free one next time you see me!
This is my ultimate standard. Why? Because it wakes me up, while knocking me the fuck out. Sugar-free Red Bull is the good gay way to go with this one, so you can stay all skinny and sexy to the moment before you black out. As a sidenote: this is SPECIFICALLY a vodka Redbull. Not a vodka Energy Drink. Caffeinated beverages like Monster taste ASS-AWFUL when mixed with vodka. Trust.
PRO: Wakes you up, not too sweet
CON: Unoriginal to order... won't turn heads
This is a traditional vodka cranberry, done up all girly-like and sweet, because I'm a total pussy and don't like the taste of undressed liquor. The vanilla is vanilla vodka, either Absolut Vanilla or Stoli Vanil are fine. In the end, this tastes like a cranberry Creamsicle. It's good!
PRO: No booze taste.
CON: VERY sweet... almost too sweet. You'll end up nauseous if you drink them all night. Also, way high in calories.
WHIPPED CREAM SCREWDRIVER
The newest craze is Whipped Cream-flavored vodka! It appeared via a company called Pinnacle over the summer, was adopted by Georgi, and then finally taken by Smirnoff sometime this Fall (late to the table, bitches! Still can't find it at any bar). And no, this isn't some gussied up Vanilla vodka. The shit TASTES LIKE WHIPPED CREAM. Add it to orange juice and you're drinking that delicious cold orange stuff you drank when you were a kid, all while getting so sloshed you think you're a kid again.
PRO: Sweet! Tasty! Refreshing!
CON: Very, very girly. Almost infantile. Carry a pacifier and say "goo-goo" when people ask you what the hell it is that you just ordered.
CITRON, SODA, SPLASH OF CRAN
This is my newest signature. I created it out of necessity. All of that cranberry and Red Bull was giving me a gut. No bueno! Now I'm back at the gym 3-4 times a week and running from food like it's pursuing me with a chainsaw... and drinking lower calorie drinks! The soda is seltzer water, which means no calories. The cranberry is LITERALLY a splash. Just enough to add some flavor. The citron mixes nicely. In the end, it tastes like flavored seltzer.
PRO: Flavorful, refreshing!
CON: Tastes like seltzer so I often drink too many and then get smashed
LONG ISLAND ICED TEA
I HATE this shit! But serious drinkers around me love it like a winning lottery ticket. I don't know, nor care, why it's named after my hometown. I know this much: it has every colored liquor in it. Then a drop of something that doesn't have alcohol in it. Also, benefit: they serve them in huge mason jars at Splash every Thursday for only $4 til Midnight!
PRO: Gets you fucked up faster than you can drink it
CON: Tastes like rusty asshole dipped in bourbon (to me)
BLUEBERRY OR CHERRY AND 7
What can I say? I like fruity drinks, mmkay?? Mix 7-Up (or Sprite, or Sierra Mist, or whatever!) with either Skyy Cherry vodka or Stoli Blueberry and get ready for tasty! Also, for some reason, it hasn't occurred to that many people to try this combination. Every time I tell someone what it is I'm drinking, they ask for a sip, and then order one for themselves. Attention! Innovation! Jazz Square!
PRO: Not AS sweet as the first two drinks I listed, clear in appearance so you can pretend it's something more dude-like.
CON: That high-in-calories thing. Don't drink too many of these unless you wanna pull a Paula Deen and end up with Type-2 Diabetes.
xo Justin Luke